The Angel Of Wammy's House
by Eevil Hero
Summary: This story explores Matt's role in Death Note, his life, and his relationships with the other residents of Wammy's House. ::MelloxMatt:: ::MattxLinda::
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any affiliated characters. They are property of Viz Media.

A/N: I'm not really sure where I'm going with this at all. Because of this and other obligations (like school for instance), updates may be few and far between. I started this for my own personal amusement, but I hope you like it too.

The plan for now is to update this once a week (probably on Thursdays). Due to my lack of a social life, a buffer I've already written, and midterms ending soon, I should be able to keep this up.

Also, for those who read Memories Best Forgotten, I haven't forgotten it. I just had a hard time coming up with an ending. It should go up some time this weekend.

Thanks for reading. 

xXx

The Angel of Wammy's House

Chapter 1

Quillish Wammy gazed over his glasses at the child sitting across from him. The boy was not fidgeting or looking around as was expected from someone his age. He was staring determinedly at his knees. His hands were clasped in his lap and he was perfectly still. Though his small sneakers didn't quite touch the floor, his legs did not swing.

"Mail," Mr. Wammy began, but the child spoke quietly, interrupting him.

"It's 'Mile,'" he said, not defensively. "Not 'Male.'"

Mr. Wammy nodded courteously and corrected his pronunciation of the child's name. "Mail," he said again. "Do you remember who I am?"

Mail nodded minutely. "Mr. Wammy," he said. "You came to the orphanage a few weeks ago."

"I did indeed. How long have you been there Mail?" Mr. Wammy, of course, already knew the answer to that, but he wanted Mail to come out of his shell a little bit before he explained everything.

"…Since I was six," Mail said quietly.

"Do you like living there?"

"….No. I don't."

"Would you like to live here instead, Mail?"

Mail shrugged, paused, then whispered. "Yes I would."

Mr. Wammy watched him carefully, scrutinizing every little movement he made. After a few minutes, he nodded, stood, and walked around to Mail's side of the desk. "You may stay if you wish."

Mail glanced up for a moment, briefly meeting Mr. Wammy's eyes before going back to staring at his knees.

"Names are very important things, Mail. You remember what I told you? Knowing someone's name gives you power over them. For that very reason, you must never tell your name to those here in Wammy's House or anyone outside it. You must use a different name now. Have you decided on a name?"

Mail nodded. "Matt," he whispered.

Mr. Wammy nodded, not surprised. "Very well." He walked toward the door, opened it, and turned back, looking at the thirteen year old sitting in the chair across from his desk. "Come now Matt. There's someone you need to meet."

xXx

Matt sat on his bed, silent and still, his face turned to the side, his eyes glued to the old blue carpet that covered the floor. The boy on the bed across from his was watching him, both with interest and distaste at the same time.

"So… Matt, huh?"

No response.

The other boy sighed and rolled his eyes. "Well whatever. You'll talk sooner or later." He leaned forward, his blond hair falling down on either side of his face. "But you know, since we're room mates and all, you should probably talk to me. Besides," he added with a shrug, "I plan on taking over for L one day, so it'd be worth your while to be nice to me now."

Matt still said nothing. The boy sighed and turned away from him, intending to go back to his book. Before he even rose from his seat, however, something stopped him. He looked at Matt, a little surprised. "What was that?" he asked.

"I said," he repeated calmly, "that neither of those things could make me a good friend."

"What do you mean?"

Matt shrugged a shoulder. "Well, I was assigned here. I didn't choose to be your room mate. And if I were friends with you only to gain some sort of status for myself I wouldn't be much of a friend at all then either. If I'm not interested in you for you and if I don't care about you and your wants, needs, and feelings, I'm not really a friend at all." He pushed his rather thick glasses up higher on his nose with a finger, his dark red hair resettling itself around them, and Matt fell silent once more.

For once in his life, the blond had nothing to say. Instead of an elegant or witty reply, he simply said, "My name's Mello…"

Matt nodded, looking him in the eyes, the corner of his mouth curling just slightly. "Yeah," he said. "I know."

xXx

Matt didn't really know what to think of Wammy's House. The children here were exactly like the children at the orphanage in some ways, and yet in others they were completely different.

For the most part, Matt was most comfortable sitting in silence, watching the other children playing and talking and doing things amongst themselves. While he had talked to Mello, it hadn't become a frequent occurrence. The blond had many, many friends and admirers. He wasn't quite at the top of the all lists, but he was never any lower than second. He hated Near for besting him, but he was still preferred over the strange white-haired child, so for the most part he pretended not to care.

When Matt had been at Wammy's for a week, Mello approached him for the first time in the main house. He usually only spoke to Matt when they were in their room.

He walked briskly up to the red-head and trust something into his hands. "Here," he said gruffly. "Just take it okay?... If you use it you won't look so stupid just sitting there all by yourself."

Matt looked down at the little square Mello had given him. He flipped open the top, revealing a screen on the upper half and a few buttons on the bottom. He flipped the switch on the side and the screen lit up. After a few seconds, the name of the game that was stuck in the back flashed across the screen, the theme music began to play a moment later.

Matt looked up at Mello's red face and smiled just a little at him. "Thank you," he said.

Mello grunted in response, shoved his hands into his pockets, and stalked away.

Matt hadn't expected anything else from him. Instead of feeling hurt by the other's sudden departure, Matt looked down at the game again and started playing. After a few minutes, he was hooked.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I know I said updates would be on Thursdays, but I have some extra time right now, so I'm adding it today. I'm sure none of you fine people mind hahaha. :D

Thanks for reading!

xXx

Matt adjusted fairly well to his new life in Wammy's house. He kept to himself and no one paid him much mind at all. But after a while, the children started to notice something odd about him. He always finished his food, which wasn't in and of itself odd, but once he was done he returned his dishes to the kitchen – something no one else did. He insisted on cleaning them himself. Both of these tasks were generally done by the servants, which Mr. Wammy hired many of. He also insisted that he wash his own clothes and change his own sheets. Many times, he was even found scrubbing floors simply because he wanted to.

It was on one such occasion that one of them decided to ask him about it.

Matt was alone, on his hands and knees, brush in one hand, bucket of soapy water by his elbow. His striped sleeves were rolled up and his glasses were starting to slide down his nose as he bent over the floor he was scrubbing intently.

He was intent on his own thoughts and on his task and didn't notice the other child's approach. After a few moments, however, he could feel someone's gaze on him. He glanced up and jumped slightly at the sight of the child standing not two feet from him. He recovered quickly, pretending he hadn't been startled at all.

"Hey Mello," he said softly. Whenever Matt spoke it was always quietly. He never raised his voice, never tried to talk over anyone else. If what he said was missed, he let it go without trying to repeat himself.

Mello, on the other hand, was not known for his subtlety. "Why do you do that Matt?" he demanded, pointing at the brush in Matt's hand. His tone was harsh.

Matt frowned. "Why? Am I not supposed to?"

Mello seemed taken aback. "Why would you?" he asked, genuinely curious.

Matt shrugged and looked down at the soapy water beneath his hands. "It's what I've always done. I did it for Mother, and at the orphanage, and I figured…" He broke off with a shrug. "I'm sorry it bothers you." Apparently satisfied with the conversation, Matt went back to his laborious task.

Mello, however, wasn't finished. "Some of the other kids make fun of you, you know." He didn't say it unkindly, more as a statement of fact.

Matt sighed, apparently resigned to giving up his task for the moment, and sat back on his heals. He dropped the brush back into the bucket and looked up at Mello, pushing his glasses higher up on his nose with his wrist as he did so - his hands still being coated in soap. "What does that matter?" he asked, looking up into Mello's face.

Mello frowned. "Don't you care what people think of you?"

Matt shrugged. "Not really."

"That's probably why you were never adopted," Mello said bluntly.

Instead of showing any hurt emotions, Matt kept his stare level. "From the look of things, neither were you," he said.

Mello's face turned red. He looked like he was going to yell at Matt, but instead said nothing.

Matt stood, finished for the moment with the floor and with Mello, picked the bucket up by the handle and headed back toward the kitchen.

"Hey!" Mello called after him. "You can't just leave after something like that!"

Matt didn't even turn, just lifted his free hand and waved once before disappearing inside the servant's door.

He set down the bucket on the floor by the door and headed over to the sink. He picked up a few dirty dishes and lowered them into the soapy water with a sigh.

"What's his problem anyway?" he asked himself. Then he shook his head. If Mello wanted to be a jerk, that was his problem. Though Matt couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of disappointment – he had hoped they could perhaps be friends.

Matt glanced around the kitchen – not having done so when he'd first entered – and saw that he was alone. Then he check the clock on the wall and understood; at this time of day, most of the servants would be out working in the gardens.

He had just set aside the dishes and begun working on a huge cast iron skillet when he heard Mello come in. He paid him no heed – technically one wasn't supposed to wash a cast iron skillet, but this one was an exception and he had to try not to ruin it.

When Mello spoke, he sounded very angry. "What the _hell_ was _that_?" Mello demanded.

"What the hell was what?" Matt asked evenly, his eyes never leaving the sink.

"What makes you think you can talk to me like that?"

Matt shrugged. "What makes you think I can't?"

Mello was stunned into silence, and Matt took the opportunity to speak. He figured that if he didn't now, Mello might not give him the chance later.

Matt glanced back over his shoulder so he could watch Mello's expression. "Why do you think I should treat you with respect?" Matt asked. "You give me none, I show you none. That's how it works. You want to be my friend, you treat me like a friend. You want me to look up to you, I'll end up looking down on you. I don't like people who try to force authority on themselves when they don't deserve authority."

"That's a pretty speech for someone who works in the kitchens," Mello snapped, his face red. Matt wondered if it was really Mello talking or just his wounded pride.

Matt shrugged again. "I choose to do this because I want to. You asked me why, I told you. You shouldn't get mad at me because I'm not upset about what you said. And you shouldn't be upset about what _I_ said because _you_ did the same to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really want to get this done." After he said that, Matt expected Mello to walk away, but he didn't.

"You _do_ owe me respect. I'm better than you are. My scores are higher, I work harder, and… and I'm older than you!"

Matt looked up, thinking. "Really? How old are you?"

Mello glared. "Thirteen."

Matt shrugged. "Alright then. So you are. But Near's younger than both of us, remember?"

"Yeah but-"

Matt easily lifted the heavy black iron skillet he'd just rinsed from the sink and swung it around to point it at Mello. He only needed one hand to lift it. "No. I'm done listening to you. If you're honestly trying to pick a fight, fine. We can take it outside, but you know I'll win. And I don't really want to fight you anyway." Mello backed away a step and Matt didn't follow him. "I told you. You want my respect, you respect me. You want to be friends, you be friends with me. If you don't, then get the hell out cause I have no patience for people like you." He turned and set the skillet on the counter and started washing another pan in the sink.

After a few moments he still didn't hear the door open or close. Instead of speaking, he simply waited.

"…I don't have any friends," he heard Mello say.

"Why do you think that is?" Matt asked, trying to sound kind.

"I don't know," Mello said honestly. "I've got people that hang around me and stuff but they're not really my friends. All they care about are my scores."

"Is that all _you_ care about Mello?"

"….No."

Matt smiled, his back still to the other, knowing he was gaining ground. "That's all you ever seem to talk about."

"It's all that matters here," Mello told him. "Though you don't seem to have realized it yet."

Matt set down the pan, dried his hands on a towel, and turned to face the blond, his hands resting on the counter on either side of him. "It's all that matters as far as becoming the next L is concerned. But I don't care about that."

Mello seemed not to know how to respond to that.

"I know I'm smart. My tests all said so. But I'm not smarter than you or Near. One of you will be the next L, so why should I concern myself with something that won't happen?"

Mello frowned and a slight crease formed on his forehead. "So what are you doing here?"

"I can't tell you that. Not yet anyway."

"Why not?"

Matt considered how to phrase his answer for a moment. "Cause my reason for being here might change. It all depends on… well _you_, really." He didn't add that it depended slightly on Near too.

"Me?" Mello repeated, perplexed.

"Mm-hmm." Matt smiled a little. "I'll tell you when it's time."

"How will I know when _that_ is?"

"Trust me, you'll know."

"_How?"_ Mello insisted, looking a little annoyed.

Matt bit back a laugh. "I'll either tell you why I'm here… or I'll leave."

"That makes no sense at all," Mello snapped.

"I know," Matt replied easily. "But it will. Just give it time."

The conversation ended there and Matt went back to work. Mello didn't help him, but he couldn't bring himself to leave either. He pulled up a kitchen stool and sat on it, watching Matt work for nearly an hour before he spoke again.

"So we can really be friends?" he asked suddenly.

Matt smiled, not looking up. "Yeah, we can," he assured him. "Just stop being a dick and be honest with me."

"That's all it takes?" Mello seemed suspicious.

"Yep," Matt reassured him. "That's all it takes."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Once again, I know it's not a Thursday. In fact, it's Friday. BUT I'm in a wonderful mood because today is my birthday SO I'm updating again. Hahaha. I'm just so nice, aren't I? :P

I already have 100 hits on this story! Yay! It makes me so happy. :D

Thanks for reading!

xXx

After the incident in the kitchen, Mello behaved much differently toward Matt. He tried to talk to him in public and he quit mocking him for helping the servants and for "only being third."

Matt, on the other hand, didn't change much. As the weeks lengthened his habits rarely changed. He had arrived at Wammy's House just before the new year and now the end of January was quickly approaching. He still sat on the sidelines most of the time, observing rather than participating. At times he could be seen playing the game Mello had given him (though he'd finished it several times already, but let's face it, Fire Emblem is a classic!), but even then he could be seen watching the other residents of Wammy's House.

Matt and Mello got along best behind closed doors. When they were alone together, Mello felt comfortable showing his true colors to Matt. Even though they weren't always particularly pretty, Mello kept true to Matt's request and was as honest as he could be. Matt, in turn, showed Mello equal respect that he was given, but didn't talk much about himself. This irked Mello, annoyed him even. He wasn't used to having friends, but even he knew it was meant to be an equal relationship. This, he knew, was not the case with him and Matt.

Mello asked Mr. Wammy what he should do to make their friendship stronger. He had no one else he could ask and he knew Mr. Wammy would keep their conversation a secret. Mr. Wammy was good with secrets.

Mr. Wammy was silent for a few moments after Mello made his request, apparently thinking over something. He seemed both pleased and grim at the same time. "Matt's file is very scarce, so even I do not know much about him," Mr. Wammy admitted after a while. "But I do know when his birthday is."

"His birthday?" Mello repeated, confused.

"Yes. It's next week. February first."

Mello was slightly stunned. Matt was only a few months younger than he was. He had thought the gap was bigger. "So," he said, recovering, "what should I do about that?"

Mr. Wammy smiled a little and answered him with another question. "Does he get along well with the other children?"

Mello shook his head slowly. "He doesn't talk to anyone. He just watches everyone. He's so… _weird._"

Mr. Wammy chose not to respond to that particular sentiment. "I would suggest finding a way to help him integrate himself into the social group here at Wammy's House. One day, he may be a great asset to us. We should make him feel more welcome."

Mello considered this for a moment. "So… is it okay if I… throw him a birthday party?" he asked tentatively.

Mr. Wammy nodded. "Of course, Mello. I'm sure the staff will want to help out. They are so very fond of Matt."

Mello nodded, already starting to think it over. "Alright. I'll work on it then." He stood and turned to go but stopped at the door, his hand on the knob. "Mr. Wammy?" he asked, turning back.

"Yes Mello?"

"Matt said something to me that seemed a little strange. I was wondering if you knew what it meant." When Mr. Wammy waited, Mello continued. "He said he's not here to try to become the next L, like the rest of us. He said he was here for a different reason but that he couldn't tell me what it was yet. He said he might not tell me at all because it might change… his reason, I mean. And that he might… leave… if his reasons changed too much. Do you know what he was talking about?"

Mr. Wammy's smile faltered a little bit. After a moment of silence, he said, "Good luck planning the party, Mello."

Mello knew a dismissal when he heard one.

xXx

The week passed too quickly for Mello's taste and, before he knew it, Matt's birthday was upon him. He had gotten the staff together and was going to throw something of a surprise party at dinner. He'd asked that all Matt's favorite foods be made and had convinced all the other kids to join in. Well, except Near, but he never joined in anything. They almost seemed enthusiastic about the idea. Apparently, Matt was something of a mystery they didn't know how to solve. They could do anything they liked to him, but he rarely responded with more than a reserved, polite smile.

Mello had everyone get in the dining hall a little early, then they waited for Matt.

When the red-haired teen walked into the room, everyone shouted "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!" in unison.

Matt instantly froze, stiffening up. Then he saw Mello, smiling encouragingly at him, and forced himself to relax a little. He walked over to the table and seated himself between Mello and a blond girl named Linda. He was spared speaking through most of dinner, having the excuse of not talking with his mouth full.

Though, near the end, Matt couldn't help himself but to speak. He turned to Mello and asked, "Did you plan this?"

The people nearest him fell instantly silent, for most of them had never heard Matt speak before.

Mello, however, paid them no heed. "Yeah I did," he said. He lowered his voice so only Matt could hear and asked, "Is this okay? Do… you like it?"

Matt smiled in response and forked some more mashed potatoes into his mouth. Mello took that for a 'yes.'

After dinner, one of the servant brought out a large chocolate cake with thirteen candles places neatly in the top. She placed it in front of Matt and stepped back after handling Mello a silver lighter.

The blond flipped it open and lit it. He heard Matt's sharp intake of breath and smiled. "You have to wait til I light them," he muttered, thinking Matt was preparing to blow out the candles.

Matt's smile was wary as he watched Mello set fire to the tops of the little pillars of wax. He continued to smile through the off-key (or rather multi-key) singing of "Happy Birthday," paused, and blew out his candles in one smooth, easy breath. The children around him clapped and laughed and smiled at him. Matt did his best to return to gestures.

The children quickly devoured the cake. Matt ate the smallest piece the servants and Mello would allow him to have. He plead an over-full stomach soon afterwards and fled from the room. He beamed at Mello before he left, a little too brightly, reassuring Mello that he was grateful, but he couldn't stay any longer. He just felt too sick.

Mello wasn't sure what had gone wrong, but he was glad everyone else seemed to be having a good time (except Near, of course). It was very late when he finally left too and went looking for Matt.

The first place he went to look was their room. When he got there, he received something of a shock. Matt wasn't there as he expected, but even worse than that was the fact that none of Matt's belongings were either.

Mello sat down on his bed, feeling extremely, unexpectedly sad. What had he done wrong? What had made Matt run out and then _move_ out like that?

Mello jumped up, his heart constricting as he realized something. Maybe Matt had left for good, like he'd said he might. The thought made Mello's stomach clench and he didn't really know why, but he knew he didn't like it.

He wanted to run out and keep looking for Matt, but it was late – almost midnight – and he didn't have the energy. He sat back down on his bed, his arms resting on his legs, his head bowed.

After a long time, he sighed very heavily and stood, resigning himself to go to bed. He undressed, pulled on his pajamas, and climbed into bed. He turned so his back was to the room and instead he faced the wall that his bed was pushed up against. He expected to hear nothing since the room on the other side of the thin wall was unoccupied. Yet despite knowing that, Mello could have sworn he heard something.

Mello made himself go very still. He barely even breathed. He just listened. What he heard made his heart go cold.

In the next room, Matt was sobbing.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Because I have a really good buffer already written, I'm updating today even though it's only Tuesday. If my workload stays at this fairly low level for a while, I can probably update twice a week. I really hope so.

I'm also updating because the last chapter was kind of a cliffhanger and I hate when people leave _me_ hanging, so… yeah. Hahaha. Just wanted to be nice. :D

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

xXx

Mello didn't know what to do. He'd never dealt with a crying person before. But this wasn't even ordinary crying – Matt was out and out _sobbing_.

Not really sure why he was doing it, Mello tentatively lifted his hand and knocked gently on the thin wall that separated him now from Matt. When he got no response, he knocked a little harder.

"W-what?" Matt's voice was rough and thick, and he sounded annoyed.

"What's wrong Matt?" Mello asked, his face barely an inch from the wall so the sound would carry a little better.

"_Nothing,"_ Matt snapped.

Mello frowned, obviously unconvinced. "Did I do something wrong."

"No. Just… go away."

Mello sat up in bed and crossed his legs beneath him, a determined look crossing his face now as he stared hard at the wall. "No," he snapped back. "Not until you tell me what's going on."

"It's not your concern." Matt sounded very like his normal, practically emotionless self, and yet nothing like himself at all. Mello wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Stop trying to shut me out Matt We're friends, aren't we?"

No response.

"Since you said we could be friends, I've tried to talk to you, but I know that for this to work, you have to talk to me too."

"I don't _want_ to talk about it," Matt insisted.

"But _I_ want you to. Maybe it'll help," he argued.

When Matt again refused to respond, Mello got up, stalked out of his room and, without so much as even knocking, walked into Matt's new room next door.

The first thing Mello noticed was how strange Matt looked without his glasses. It made the fact that his gray eyes didn't match stand out much more clearly, even in the semi-darkness.

Matt was curled up in a ball, his knees hugged tightly to his chest, his thin, wiry arms wrapped around them. He glared as Mello closed the door and walked up to him.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone," he muttered darkly.

Mello shrugged in response. "You did. And I don't care."

Matt huffed and lay back down, turning his back to Mello, intent on ignoring him. He tried to stifle his sobs, but he didn't manage very well for long. He buried his face in his pillow to shut out the sound, but even across the room Mello could see his shoulders shaking.

His fierce determination melted away, and left, for the first time ever, compassion. He tread slowly, carefully on the floor as he crossed the room and sat lightly on the bed beside Matt. When he next spoke, his voice was extremely gentle, comforting even.

"Matt… please… tell me what's wrong."

Matt shook his head, his face still hidden. "I… I can't," he said, almost too softly for Mello to hear.

"Why?"

"It hurts too much."

Mello then did the only thing he knew to do – he gently rubbed Matt's back and stroked his hair, soothing his friend. Neither of them spoke for a long time, not even after Matt's pitiful cries had died down to gently flowing tears.

Mello didn't leave even after Matt had fallen asleep.

xXx

The next morning, Mello awoke to find himself alone in Matt's bed, the room eerily vacant. He sat up and looked around, but, as he thought, Matt was not there.

He went back to his own room, dressed quickly and headed down the stairs and into the servant's hall. A girl inside told him Matt was in the kitchens, again working alone.

Mello wandered in, feeling uneasy and unsure about what to expect when he and Matt came face to face. He hesitated for a moment before pushing open the door into the kitchen.

He saw Matt, dressed in stripes and thick glasses like he always was, his hair spiked like it always was, his unmatching eyes ever focused on his task. At the moment, he was carefully cutting up vegetables.

The door swung shut with a gentle click behind Mello but even then Matt didn't look up.

"Matt…?" Mello asked hesitantly.

Matt's hands froze and his eyes flickered up to Mello's face, though his head stayed bowed. "Good morning," he said, then went back to his task.

"…Are you upset with me?" Mello asked tentatively.

Matt cut through a particularly thick piece of celery and the knife hit the cutting board with a resounding _thunk._ "…No," Matt said quietly. "I'm sorry I made you think that."

Mello walked up next to Matt and stood by his side, watching him work. "Matt…"

Matt set down his knife and turned his head so he was looking directly into Mello's eyes, something he rarely did. Mello was taken aback.

"Mello," Matt said quietly, "please don't ask me what I was so upset about. No one here knows, not even Mr. Wammy. And I just… can't talk about it."

Mello's look softened. "I understand."

Matt nodded and turned back to the counter. He picked up his knife but then put it down again. "…Thank you," he said. "For being my friend… and for not leaving when I told you to."

Mello didn't know what to say. So instead of speaking, he grabbed a spare knife and started cutting vegetables too.

xXx

Later that day, Matt was in one of the of the many living rooms, curled up on the couch, playing his video game in silence. Several of the other children were sitting in a circle on the floor together, playing some game or another.

After a time, Mello walked in. The children on the floor brightened at the sight of him and immediately asked him to play. He was about to accept, but something stopped him. He smiled and shook his head. "No, I don't really want to." Instead, he turned and walked over to Matt, sitting down on the couch beside him. He picked up a book from the end table and started reading. Matt didn't move.

"Why didn't you play with them?" he asked Mello a few minutes later, his eyes still fixated on his game.

Mello shrugged, and they were so close together that Matt could feel Mello's shoulder brush against his arm. "Like I said. I didn't feel like it. I had something better to do."

The corner of Matt's mouth twitched but he didn't smile. "…Interesting," was all he said.

Mello smiled for a moment, then went back to reading.

Over time, both of them shifted so they were sitting back to back, leaning contentedly on each other. Once they were settled, neither of them moved except for Matt pressing the keys and Mello occasionally turning a page. They didn't speak, but they didn't really have to. The message was pretty clear.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days passed pretty uneventfully. Mello and Matt continued to function peacefully, though mostly in silence. Matt really wasn't fond of speaking and most of the time Mello didn't mind. But something still bothered him. He knew Matt wasn't ready to talk about whatever it had been that had made him cry like that, but the cause was still a matter of great curiosity and concern for him, though for once it was more the latter than the former. He resigned himself not to ask Matt about it because he knew having it brought up would be painful for the other boy, but he couldn't help but wonder.

He didn't have to worry about not bringing it up, however, because the opportunity presented itself only a couple of weeks after Matt's birthday.

Mello had stayed up late studying – something he did often – and was just thinking of going to bed when he thought he heard something. He set down his pencil on his book and stood, looking over at the far wall.

Afraid Matt might be crying again, he crept over to his bed and crawled on top of it. He pressed his ear against the wall, listening hard, and frowned. He didn't hear crying, he heard… muttering, really, though he couldn't make out the words.

After a few moments, though, the speaking stopped. Mello breathed a sigh of relief, convinced everything was alright, and was just about to get up again when he heard a bloodcurdling scream.

Caught by surprise, Mello threw himself backward away from the sound and, as a result, fell off his bed, landing with a _crash_. He sat up, eyes wide and frantic as the scream continued.

He scrambled to his feet and ran into the next room. He threw open the door and dashed to Matt's side and tried desperately to shake him awake.

"Matt!" he hissed. "Matt! Wake up!"

Matt gasped and sat up so quickly that Mello had to jump back so he didn't get hit in the face.

Matt sat there, breathing hard, one hand clenched in his shirt over his heart. He was covered in sweat and he was shaking all over. He looked up at Mello with wide, terrified eyes, then threw himself into Mello's arms. He clung hard to his friend, shaking in fear.

Mello sat down beside him and held him, trying to think of something to say to him.

Mello looked up when he noticed movement in the doorway and a flash of blond hair and blue pajamas caught his eye.

He recognized Linda, though they rarely spoke. He vaguely remembered that she was next in rank below Matt, though she'd been here much longer than any of them.

Mello waved her out over Matt's bowed head, hoping he wouldn't notice that he'd caused a scene. Mello knew others would soon follow. He gestured to Linda to close the door. She looked grim but did so. He hoped she would keep the others away. She was pretty good at dealing with people.

That dealt with, he turned back to Matt.

"Matt… please… tell me what's going on," he begged. He hated seeing his friend like this.

He felt Matt sigh rather than heard it. The other boy gently pulled back from Mello and the blond let him go. Matt lay down again, his arms spread wide, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. A few minutes passed in silence.

"I hate only two things in the world," Matt said abruptly. His voice was surprisingly level and even despite the fact that he'd been moments from crying.

"What do you hate Matt?" Mello asked tentatively.

"My birthday," Matt answered instantly. "And," he added, more hesitantly, "…fire."

Mello frowned slightly in response. "Why…?"

A tear rolled down Matt's cheek as he answered. "My family was killed in a fire on my birthday a few years ago."

"…You dreamt about it, didn't you?" Mello asked as gently as he could.

Matt nodded, then rolled over onto his side, facing away from Mello.

"I'm sorry Matt," he mumbled.

"Why should you be?" Matt shot back, sounding harsher than he'd intended. "It's my problem, not yours. You shouldn't worry about it too much."

"It upsets you," Mello pointed out. "And that upsets _me._"

Matt sighed and rolled back over, looking up at Mello. "I know," he admitted. "But it doesn't change anything."

"Is there nothing I can do to stop it?"

Matt hesitated.

"Please… tell me…"

"It helps when I don't sleep by myself," Matt said after a time. "It's why this didn't happen until now. But my birthday…" He sighed. "It's always worst on my birthday. It's why I moved in here. I didn't want you to know."

Mello sighed noiselessly, not sure how to respond.

"Look, don't worry about it," Matt told him when he noticed Mello's unease. "Really. I'll be fine."

Mello shook his head. "It's not _that_ that bothers me. It's something else."

"What?"

"I just wish there was more I could do."

"More than what?" Matt asked, confused.

"Than stay here with you," Mello said, speaking as though that should have been obvious.

"You don't have to do that…" Matt said, though his tone was unconvincing.

Mello smiled down at him. "Yeah I know. Now move over. I'm not _that_ small."

Matt obligingly moved over and made room for Mello, who lay down beside him, not caring that he was still fully dressed.

It was a little awkward at first, but after a while both of them relaxed a little.

Matt fell asleep first, exhausted from dealing with his nightmare. Whether he was aware of it or not, he gently grabbed onto Mello's arm and held it almost like one might hold a teddy bear. His grip didn't slacken even once he was asleep.

When Mello finally fell asleep too, he was smiling.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I'm not sure if I ever said, but for those that are unaware (as she is so extremely minor) Linda is 4th in line to be the next L (as I believe Mello mentioned in the last chapter? Maybe?). She _is_ in Deathnote, but only for (I believe) one panel. However, I wanted to expand her character (as well as other obviously minor characters, like Matt). I just really enjoy doing it. It gives me a lot of freedom to work with them however I want.

Anyway, I just wanted to explain to avoid any confusion. Sorry I didn't mention it earlier.

xXx

The next morning, Mello woke up earlier than he expected. He tried to sit up, but something held him back. He looked down and saw Matt still holding onto his arm. The corner of his lip curled up in a half-smile and gently tried to pull his arm away. Matt let him go without struggling. At first Mello was confused, but then he noticed Matt's eyes were open.

"Morning," Mello said, grinning.

"Hey," Matt muttered sleepily. "What time is it?"

"Um…" Mello looked around at the digital clock on Matt's desk. "Looks like 6:30 in the morning."

Matt sighed. "Damn. It's late." He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. "I should get up."

Mello was surprised. "What time do you usually get up?"

"Five," Matt answered absently. He turned around, apparently looking for something. "You can go back to sleep if you want," he said. Then he leaned over Mello and reached for something sitting on the edge of his desk.

"U-um…" he mumbled, his eyes fixated on Matt, "I-I'm not really…"

Matt sat back, settling his glasses on his thin nose. "It's alright. I don't mind. You must be tired."

Mello found it a little easier to breathe once Matt was sitting up again. "_I _must be tired?" he asked, perplexed.

"Sure," Matt said. "You were awake when… you came in last night. That means you only got…" he paused to think, "three or four hours of sleep tops."

Mello shrugged. "It's alright," he said unconvincingly.

Matt carefully climbed out of bed over Mello. He stretched his arms up over his head and walked toward his closet. Mello watched him but, against his own objections, lay back down. He was tired despite himself.

"Just go back to sleep," Matt said again. "I've got some stuff to do. You should sleep. You can stay in here, I don't mind." He pulled open his closet and sighed. The closet contained mostly shelves filled with books rather than clothes. The shelves were packed so tightly that it looked like it would be difficult to pull any of the volumes out. Mello wondered vaguely where Matt had gotten them and when he'd had time to move them into the room.

Matt tugged his shirt over his head. He dropped it onto the floor and reached up to the top shelf and pulled down a long-sleeved black and red striped shirt and pulled it on. He had to readjust his glasses afterwards. He glanced in the old, tiny mirror hanging on the wall, didn't even try to straighten his spiky hair, and crawled under his desk to find his boots. He pulled on his socks and shoes sitting on the floor and tied them tightly. Then he grabbed a thick leather jacket out of the closet and pulled it on.

He glanced up at Mello and, noticing he was still watching him, said, "Mello it's alright. You can go back to sleep. I don't want to deprive you of sleep."

Mello nodded and closed his eyes again, rolling over onto his back.

Matt waited until he was sure Mello was trying to sleep again before he left the room.

He headed down the stairs and into the kitchen. He grabbed some cold pieces of French toast the servants had left out and headed out the back door and into the grounds.

The spacious grounds were covered in a thin layer of snow. His boots crunched beneath his feet as he crossed to a large tree near the center of this section of the yard. When he reached it, Matt stuck the toast in his mouth and climbed the tree, settling himself in one of the large, lower branches. He leaned back against the trunk, one leg resting on the branch, the other left to swing free. Once he was settled, he slowly started to eat his breakfast.

After one piece, he couldn't eat anymore and he stopped, holding the food in his lap, his eyes staring, unfocused, at his white surroundings.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before he heard someone else approach. He knew he must have been very out of it because he didn't hear anything until the approaching person was only a few feet away on the ground below him. He didn't have to look down to know who it was.

"Good morning Linda," he said, just loud enough for his voice to carry down to her.

She stopped just short of the tree, her hands in the pockets of her long overcoat. Her nightdress swung down around her ankles, covering the tops of her boots. Her blonde hair was braided into pigtails and hung down around her shoulders. She looked up at Matt, her cheeks pink from the cold. "Morning Matt," she called back, raising her voice just slightly so he could hear her.

"You're up early," he commented. He took another bite out of his toast, more for something to do than out of hunger.

"I couldn't sleep," she said lightly.

"After I woke you up, you mean," he pointed out. Linda chose not to comment.

"Mind if I come up?"

"Sure."

Linda started climbing the tree. She made it up to Matt's height almost as quickly as Matt had. She settled herself on a branch next to his. Both her feet were swinging beneath her, her hands resting on the branch beside her for balance. She leaned toward Matt, watching him intently though he was extremely still.

"You wanna know what happened?" he guessed, his voice purposely devoid of emotion.

Linda's expression didn't change. "Yes, I want to know what happened," she confirmed. "But only if you want to tell me."

Matt deliberated. While he was thinking, he tore off the piece of bread that had been in his mouth when he climbed and handed the rest of the piece of toast to Linda. She accepted it and broke off pieces and put them in her mouth, chewing slowly.

Finally, after several minutes of silence, Matt sighed. He swung his head around to look Linda in the eyes over his glasses. "So what have you figured out?"

Linda looked him steadily in the eyes but didn't want to say she knew he'd had a nightmare straight out. Instead, she asked, "Who's Matt?"

Matt's eyes widened in shock. "…I said that?" he breathed. When Linda nodded, he had to look away. "I haven't talked about him in years…"

"Who was he?" she asked again, as gently as she could.

"…My older brother," he said finally.

"Why were you dreaming about him?"

"I was with him… on my sixth birthday." He swallowed hard. "He took me out to celebrate, just the two of us. He wasn't around a whole lot. I can't really tell you why. I'm not supposed to …and it's hard to remember… Anyway…" He paused and swallowed again. "When we got back, my family's house was on fire. And I don't mean just part of it. The whole damn place was _swallowed_ in flames. Matt told me to stay in the car. I tried to follow him and he locked me in. The windows were partly rolled down and I tried to climb out. I called for him, screamed for him to let me out, but he just ran. He knew our parents and younger sister were still inside. He tried to get them out. But they died. All of them died, including Matt."

Linda didn't know what to say. "Was that…?"

"Yeah. That's what I dreamt about." When Linda still didn't speak, Matt forced himself to smile. "I know I should be over it but… it's kinda hard, you know? I don't dream about it as often as I used to… but I always do on my birthday. It's like clockwork, you know? …But don't worry about me, okay? I'm alright."

"Matt… you don't _sound_ alright."

"Yeah, I know."

"Did you tell Mello this?"

Matt shook his head. "A watered down version. My family died in a fire on my birthday. Mr. Wammy doesn't even know that much." He paused for a moment, thinking. "Linda?" he finally asked. "Why are you out here? It can't be more than 20 degrees out."

"Because I was worried about you." Her answer came instantly, though her voice was very soft and she sounded almost embarrassed.

"How did you know I was out here?"

"I… saw you out the window. So I just threw on my coat and came down."

Matt paused for a moment to let that sink in. "Hey Linda?"

"Yeah?"

"Does that mean you wanna be friends?"

Her cheeks turned a pink that was unrelated to the cold. "Y…yeah," she admitted. "Is that okay?" She looked away out of embarrassment.

Matt looked at her and smiled, unreservedly for once. "Yeah," he answered her honestly. "That's more than okay. I think it's great."

She looked up, her eyes shining. "Really?"

"Yeah!" He grinned at her.

Her face fell for a moment. "I don't think Mello likes me very much."

He tilted his head to the side, confused. "What does that matter? I'm not saying you've got to be _his_ friend. We're talking about you being _my_ friend. What's he got to do with it?"

"Isn't he your friend too?"

"Yep." Suddenly understanding, Matt shrugged. "Well hey, if he's really my friend he'll be alright with it. A friend of my friend and all that, right?"

"Yeah. Right." Linda smiled. She shivered a little bit and rubbed her hands together.

Seeing this, Matt pulled a pair of thick gloves out of the pocket of his jacket and offered them to her. "Here. Put these on. They'll keep your hands warm until we get back inside."

Linda slipped her small hands into them and followed Matt as he climbed down. She slipped on the last bit coming down, but Matt caught her before she fell. Then he took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders.

"You probably should have gotten dressed you know," he pointed out.

She laughed. "Yeah, probably."

He put his arm around her and led her back toward the mansion. "Are you hungry?" he asked. "I can make you some breakfast if you want."

She grinned up at him. "Sure. That sounds great."

Matt couldn't help but smile. Linda's smile was contagious.

When they got back into the kitchen, Matt's glasses fogged up. He pulled them off and cleaned them on his shirt. When he went to replace them, Linda stopped him.

"Hey, hold on. Your eyes are different colors!"

Matt shrugged. "Yeah, I noticed that," he mumbled.

"I never noticed before. It's… _weird,"_ she said, but she was still smiling. "I like it."

He offered her a half-smile. "Yeah?"

She nodded fervently.

He nodded as well and turned his back to her. He put his glasses back on and smiled. No one had ever said they liked his eyes before. Most people found them creepy.

"SO," he said, flipping on the stove in order to warm the room, "what are you in the mood for?"

"Hm…" She sat down on a stool at the counter, thinking. "I'm not sure."

He leaned on the counter across from her, and smiled at her. "What's your favorite?"

"Scrambled eggs and cheese on toast. And orange juice."

He grinned. "Awesome. Something simple. It'll be ready in a few minutes."

He got the orange juice first. He poured some into a glass and slid it across the counter to her. It slid to a stop directly in front of her. She picked it up and started to drink as he made preparations for the rest of the food.

Matt pulled out a frying pan, cracked some eggs into it, and put it on the stove to start cooking. His back was to Linda as he worked.

After a minute or two, Linda set down her glass, both hands wrapped around it. "Hey Matt?"

"Hm?" he asked, not turning.

"…Thank you."

He looked up and back at her, stunned. "For what?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"For being my friend too." She smiled at him again and he returned the gesture.

"No problem Linda." His smile turned into something that resembled a smirk as he turned his attention back to the stove.

Even though it hadn't started out that great, today was going to be a good day.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry this one was is being posted so late! Where I am, there's about an hour left of Thursday. I had an amazing yet crazily busy day, which is why I didn't have the chance to post until now. I'm sorry!

Also, starting in November because I've been peer-pressured and self-pressured into NaNoWriMo (or however you spell that), updates will, unfortunately, only occur once a week instead of twice until the end. I have, as I said, enough buffer chapters that even if I slack off it won't effect story posting.

However, Tuesday there may not be a post due to other reasons. We'll just have to see.

Sorry this is so long!!

Thanks for reading. See you next time! –E.H.

xXx

When Matt returned to his room a couple of hours later, it was to find that Mello was still asleep. He was curled up on his side, facing Matt. He had kicked the covers off of him in his sleep.

Matt smiled when he saw this. He took off his shoes and jacket by the door and left them on the floor. He padded over to Mello in stocking feet and gently pulled the blankets up around Mello's shoulders. He started to back away when Mello opened his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Matt said quietly. "Did I wake you?"

Mello shook his head. "I don't think so." He sat up and leaned back against the wall, watching Matt. "What time is it?"

Matt consulted the clock. "Almost 8."

"What have you been up to?" Mello pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his arms on them.

"Oh, this and that," Matt said vaguely. "I was outside for a bit, I did some work in the kitchen, and I talked to Linda for a while….Did you sleep alright?" he asked.

"Yeah," Mello said, stifling a yawn. "I did. Thanks."

Matt smiled. "Good. I'm glad."

Mello watched as Matt walked over to his desk and sat down in his chair. He leaned back and rested his feet up on his desk, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Are you… feeling any better?" Mello asked after a moment, sounding apprehensive.

"Mm," Matt replied. Mello could tell he didn't really want to talk about it and dropped it.

When Matt said nothing more, they fell into silence again. Mello wasn't sure whether or not to speak his mind, but as the silence lengthened he figured it was better than letting the silence go on.

"Matt?"

"Hm." He continued to stare at his feet.

"Why do you seem so sad lately?"

"Do I?" When Mello answered the affirmative, his look turned thoughtful. "I guess… it's cause I have to make a decision a lot sooner than I thought I'd have to."

"A decision?" Mello repeated. "About what?"

Matt's jaw clenched. He took a moment to figure out how to respond. "A decision concerning the thing I can't tell you about."

Mello felt a twinge of pain somewhere in his heart – it wasn't something he was expecting. "Can you ever tell me?"

"Once a decision is made? …Maybe."

Mello wasn't satisfied. "Does _anyone _know?" he demanded hotly.

"Yes."

Mello waited, but Matt didn't respond. "Who knows?" he finally asked, trying to keep his impatience out of his voice.

Matt raised a hand to push his glasses higher up on his nose, then was still again. "One person outside of Wammy's House, two in it."

"Mr. Wammy?" Mello guessed.

Matt nodded.

"Who else? Or can you not tell me that either?"

"Why are you so angry?" Matt asked calmly. "I don't understand what the problem is."

"Because you're keeping secrets from me," Mello snapped. "I thought we were _friends._"

Matt infinitesimally winced. He hoped Mello hadn't noticed. "We _are_ friends," he said. "But I can't say because it will effect things. Things on which my decision will be based." He sighed, unable to say more. "The other person… is Linda." He swallowed hard. "She was given the opportunity to make the same choice, but she turned it down. She doesn't want the life it would lead to. I can't really say I blame her. But she's sworn to secrecy, so don't bother asking her."

"Sworn to whom?" Mello sounded both extremely confused and extremely agitated.

Matt was silent for a long time before he answered. "…L," he said simply. "We swore secrecy to L."

Mello closed his mouth then. There was no way anyone here could argue against that. He doubted any of them would even be foolish enough to try.

xXx

"Hey Matt?"

"Hm?"

"What was your home like?"

"…..What was that?" Matt glanced up briefly from his game but then went right back to it.

Linda frowned slightly and readjusted herself on the couch. She sat facing Matt, who was leaning against the arm on the other end of the sofa. She turned to face the empty room. The light from the fire in the hearth made her eyes glitter. "Forget it," she muttered.

Matt really looked up then. "No please. Tell me."

Linda sighed. "All right. I asked what your home was like."

Matt glanced down at his game, up at Linda, down at the game, up at Linda and switched off his gameboy. "Why are you asking?" It wasn't a defensive question, just a curious one.

"Because… I just… want to know."

"Do you remember your home at all?" Matt asked gently. "Your family?"

Linda thought hard for a long moment, then shook her head. "Not at all."

Matt nodded, understanding. "My strongest memories are of my brother Matt," he said quietly. "I remember what he looked like, what he smelled like… sometimes I even think I remember the sound of his voice. I remember his laugh, but his voice… it's mostly faded away."

"And the rest of your family?"

Matt had to think for a moment. "I hardly remember my parents at all, isn't that strange?" He didn't wait for an answer; he wasn't really looking for one. "I remember my baby sister though. She was… three, I think, when she died."

Linda looked a little sad. "What was her name?"

"…Mischa." He looked away.

"I-I'm sorry," Linda stammered. "You don't have to talk about it. I was just… wondering, that's all…"

"I know. It's alright," he assured her. "I just remembered her a little _too_ well all of a sudden. Her little smile… her happy little laugh… her little hands… God she was so small…" His voice sounded suddenly thick. "My brother and I looked a lot alike. Dark red hair, mismatched gray eyes – like our father. But Mischa… she looked like mom. I don't remember my mother very much, but I remember everyone always said she'd grow up to look just like mom. She had black curls and… gold eyes, if you can believe that. And she was always so happy…"

"Why couldn't your family get out of the house?" Linda asked the question before she even realized she'd been thinking of it. At once she wished she could take it back – the look on Matt's face was agonizingly painful. She was shocked when Matt actually answered.

"They were in the cellar. They'd been setting up a surprise or something for my birthday while Matt and I were out." His voice was very soft and very hoarse. "They didn't even know the fire had started until it was too late. Mom forgot to turn off the stove or something. I don't really know. A beam fell from the ceiling and trapped them in. There were no windows or doors to the outside. And they died. Matt choked to death on the smoke because he wouldn't stop trying to get them out." He turned his face away and stared at the flames in the fireplace.

Matt started when he felt Linda gently remove his glasses. He didn't realize why she'd done it until he felt her carefully wiping his tears away. He hadn't even known he'd been crying.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I shouldn't have asked."

"It's alright," he said just as softly. "I need to get over it. It' been seven years Linda. So why does it still have this kind of effect on me?"

Linda thought for a moment. "Have you ever talked about it before recently?"

Matt shook his head. "Never."

She sat back, though she was still very close to him. "Maybe you needed to, you know? Get it out and all that?"

Matt attempted a smile. "Yeah maybe."

"I'm still sorry I asked."

"Don't worry about it," he said, smiling a real smile now.

"…Alright."

Silence fell between them.

After a while, Matt laid down on the couch. Linda started to get up to accommodate him, but he motioned for her to stay. She obliged and lay down as well. Since the sofa was so narrow, she was half on top of him, one of his arms draped casually over her, the other hanging off the other side. He stared at the ceiling, deep in thought, long after Linda fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry this is a day late! I'm so bad T.T Happy Halloween / L's Birthday!!! :D

A/N: Just as a side note: I know Mello and Matt are supposed to be younger than I say they are. I did this for my own reasons. At the time of L's death, Mello is supposed to be 14 years old, but I changed that. In order to more fully develop his relationship with Matt and to further his character development more, I felt that, for this story, he should be older. I apologize if there is any resulting confusion.

Also, I don't remember how old L is at any given time, so if I'm wrong, I apologize for that too.

xXx

**Two Years and Three Months Later (May)**

Matt was in the kitchen, making breakfast as usual. The radio he'd received for his birthday from the servants a few months before was sitting on the counter in the corner, the volume cranked way up. He and the servants danced to the music as they cooked. Matt laughed and tossed the food in the frying pan in time with the music.

They carried all the food out on silver trays and set it all down in the centers of the tables. The children smiled and laughed, enjoying the bright spring morning. Things were going well in Wammy's House and spirits were very high.

Matt sat down in between Mello and Linda – his two best friends – and was about to start eating when something interrupted him.

As soon as Mr. Wammy entered the hall, Matt's heart sank. He rarely came to Wammy's House as it was (being far too busy helping L with his detective work), and when he visited, he _never_ came to breakfast.

Silence fell as soon as Mr. Wammy's presence was noticed.

"Matt," he called into the silence.

Matt closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and stood, setting his napkin down on his plate. "I'm coming," he said. Mr. Wammy nodded and left, not saying where he was going. He didn't need to – Matt already knew.

"Matt?" Both Mello and Linda – indeed, _all_ the children – were looking at him with mixtures of confusion and concern on their faces.

"It's alright," Matt said to Mello and Linda. He shot Linda a look and she immediately understood. She seemed paler than she had been a moment before.

"Good luck," she whispered, though she didn't sound like she was sure that was the right thing to say.

Matt squared his shoulders and walked out of the dining hall and into the grand entry. He passed up the main stairs and headed instead for the farthest corner and turned into a rarely used servant's stairway. He climbed the rickety steps, the wood creaking beneath his shoes. He stared straight ahead, not daring himself to think.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he turned left down a long and dusty hallway. Shafts of light streamed in from the dirty windows onto the floor. He felt the sun's warmth on him when he passed through them, though it didn't make him feel any better.

He paused for a moment at the end of the hall, then pushed on the wall in front of him. The hidden door clicked and slid open. Once he was inside, the closed it again, hiding the room from view.

Matt took a deep, steadying breath and slowly turned around.

"Good morning Matt."

The man before him looked maybe eighteen or nineteen years old but was, in fact, twenty-three. He was perched on a chair, his knees drawn up to his chest, his long-fingered hands resting on his knees. His bare toes curled and uncurled in the fabric of the cushion beneath them. Matt knew he was tall, but he didn't appear to be so due to the severe slouch he had adopted. His black hair was wild, spiking in all directions. He was very pale with large, dark circles under his wide, staring eyes.

Matt swallowed. "Good morning L."

"You may have a seat, if you wish," L told him, gesturing to the chair across from his own. A small coffee table sat on the floor between them, two cups of coffee resting on it. Matt knew better than to drink the one L offered him – it was far too sugary for his taste. It was almost more sugar then coffee.

Matt sat down, feeling extremely apprehensive. He clenched his fists in his lap, gripping the fabric of his jeans very tightly.

"Relax, Matt," L said kindly. "You need not look so worried."

"But I _am_ worried, L."

L tilted his head as he considered the fifteen year old before him. "Why is that?"

"Because…" Matt bit the inside of his cheek. "Because I'm not ready to declare my decision."

L didn't seem particularly surprised. "Why is that?" he asked again, though this time it was a different question.

"I can't make a sound, _unbiased_ decision at this time," he said, stressing the word.

L considered this for a long moment. "Is that so? Very well. Tell me what you know for now. Just to divulge my curiosity. After that I will give you… three months. Is that sufficient time?"

Matt found he was having a hard time speaking, so he just nodded.

"Very well. Please, by all means, begin."

xXx

Matt left L two hours later, then visited Mr. Wammy. That visit was brief – he picked up a whole load of files (literally as much as he could carry) and went on his way again.

He headed straight back to his room, not stopping or deviating from his path. When he finally arrived, he dumped the files on his already messy desk and threw himself down onto his bed.

He sighed heavily and removed his glasses so the world slipped away into a massive blur. He set them gently on his desk by his head and lay back, watching the monochromatic ceiling.

"Three months," he muttered to himself. "How the hell am I supposed to decide in three months?" He shook his head. "Now I know why Linda refused the job."

"Why Linda refused what job?"

Matt started and sat up. He hadn't heard Mello come in. He reached for his glasses and quickly replaced them. The world slid back into focus around him.

He quickly forced a smile. "Oh, you know. Paper work and stuff." He gestured toward his desk. "I just got a ton of work from Mr. Wammy."

"What kind of work?" Mello asked, eying the files with distaste.

"Recruiting work," Matt said smoothly. His eyes were wide and innocent looking.

Mello stared him down for a moment, then shrugged. "Alright, whatever. I was just afraid you'd gotten the chewing out of a lifetime or something. You were gone for _forever._"

Matt laughed. "Yeah, I know. But them's the breaks, neh?"

"Eh," Mello replied. "Well hey, listen, remember how I said your birthday present was gonna come way late?"

"Yeah…?" Matt said slowly. "But my birthday was three months ago."

"So?" Mello retorted. "It just got here. It took for-flipping-ever to get it to come in. So come by sometime soon and I'll give it to you."

Matt nodded. "Okay."

"So," Mello said conversationally, sitting down in Matt's desk chair, "what are your plans for the day?"

"Well," Matt said, thinking it over, "I have to start on this stuff ASAP. And I'm doing something with Near later, and-"

"Near?" Mello interrupted, distaste in his voice. "What are you hanging out with _him_ for?"

Matt shrugged. "Just cause you don't like him…" He trailed off. He and Mello both knew Matt wasn't terribly fond of Near, but Mello had known Matt to hang around the white-haired kid before. He didn't raise any questions about it.

Mello shrugged. "Alright," he said. "They were your brain cells."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah," he muttered. Then he grinned at Mello.

Mello laughed. "I'm never gonna get over how weird you are Matt."

"Oh shut it you," Matt snapped and chucked a pillow at Mello.

Mello caught it and threw it back. Matt caught it before it hit him in the face.

"Well," Mello said, standing and stretching a little bit, "I've got some work to do. I'll catcha later."

"Yeah," Matt said. "See ya."

He found it was much, much easier to breathe once Mello had left the room.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry! I've spent the last two days sleeping, so I forgot to update. I'm sorry. I'll do better next week. And this isn't the best update. This chapter and the next aren't my favorites but they just kinda came to me when I was writing, so I left them in. The real story will continue soon.

A/N: I was in a weird mood when I wrote this, so it's kinda jumpy. But I don't have the time to rewrite it right now, so it's just gonna have to do.

xXx

Later that night, Matt was losing his grip on the composure he'd kept so well earlier on in the day.

"Matt……._Matt_…?" Linda watched him pace back and forth and listened to him muttering to himself and cursing in what sounded like seven different languages. She was stationary, sitting in Matt's desk chair, though her eyes moved to follow him.

Matt either didn't hear her or didn't care.

"Matt, calm down, will you?"

Still he refused to listen.

"_MATT!"_

He started and spun on his heel to face her. "What?" he snapped.

"_Chill out," _she snapped back. "Seriously! You're freaking me out."

"Chill out?" he repeated. "Chill _out?_ Linda!" he cried in frustration. "He gave me _three months._ How the hell can I decide in three months?"

Linda sighed. "You knew this would happen eventually, didn't you?"

He sighed heavily and sunk down onto his bed, his face in his hands. "Well yeah, but…"

"But what?"

"But I didn't think…"

"That your personal feelings would get in the way?" she suggested.

"No!... Yes… I don't _know_ Linda. But think about it." He paused and ran his hands through his already disheveled hair. "In the next three months, I have to make the biggest decision of my entire life. _While I'm fifteen years old._ And I can't change it once the decision is made. And it doesn't even just affect _me!_ It…" He stopped, unable to make himself finish. "I don't want this anymore."

Linda's look was hard but her tone was sympathetic. "Matty, please. Calm down." When he started to protest, she interrupted with a raised hand. "Just give me two seconds, okay?" He sighed and waited.

"Listen Matt," Linda went on. "L entrusted you with this. He knows you're the only one who can really make this decision with everyone's best interests at heart. I know it, L knows it, Mr. Wammy knows it… so what made you lose faith that you can do it?"

Matt sighed again. "I don't know," he muttered. "Every day the choice is there, looming in front of me like some… I don't know… like a barrier, almost. It won't let me think about anything without thinking about it too. It's always on my mind no matter how hard I try to forget it." He shook his head. "And I think the worst part is knowing it wouldn't even be any easier if you'd accepted L's offer too."

"So…" she said slowly, gauging his reaction carefully, "what are you gonna do? How are you gonna decide?"

Silence.

"Matt?" she prompted gently.

Matt stood abruptly and walked determinedly toward the door, as though he were forcing himself not to change his mind. "I'm going to go talk to Near."

The door shut behind him before Linda could say a single word.

xXx

"Near?"

The white-haired boy was staring intently at the blank puzzle in front of him, one finger twirling a lock of hair. With the other, he placed pieces in their correct places without a moment's hesitation. He was sitting on the floor, his white pajama-like clothes standing out in start contrast to the dark carpet. Matt could see his toes curl and uncurl even through his white socks.

"I'm listening," Near said, his tone more than a little monotonous.

"Near, I need to ask you something."

"Go ahead."

Matt sighed. Near might seem accommodating, but he was really discouraging. "I just want you to tell me… what your sense of justice is like."

"Is that all?" Near asked, placing another piece in its place within the wooden frame.

"Yes. For now that's all." Matt watched the younger boy from the side. He was sitting on the couch, his arms resting on his knees, his fingers lightly knit together.

"It's not about right and wrong. It's about law and about winning over those who break the law. That is all justice is."

Matt absorbed this slowly. After a moment he rose. "Thanks Near."

Near didn't so much as twitch in reply.

xXx

A few minutes later, Matt was knocking on Mello's door.

"Mello? Mell, are you in there?"

He eased open the door when he got no response. He looked in. "Mell?" No answer. Mello wasn't inside.

Matt closed the door with a frown. He turned back and returned the way he had come. He stopped a few steps away, thinking. At this time of day, Mello was always in his room studying. Where would he have gone?

The answer hit him and he headed off again.

xXx

Despite the fact that this was a home for extremely bright and gifted children, the library was rarely used. Matt pushed open the huge oak doors easily and stepped inside among the old volumes and somewhat dusty shelves.

He closed the doors silently behind him and listened very hard. After a few moments, he heard a sound and headed toward it.

"Mell?" he called softly.

"Nmh," Mello muttered.

Matt rounded a corner and saw Mello sitting on the wrap-around balcony that circled the whole room. There was a ladder not too far away, but Matt didn't approach it yet. He had to pause for a moment and take all his own anger and frustration and push it aside. There was something more important going on at the moment, he could just tell.

"Are you alright?" Matt asked him tentatively.

"Nmh," Mello said again.

Matt's face fell. "What happened Mell?"

"I got a letter today," he said, his voice sounding more dead than Matt would have liked.

"Who from?" Matt asked apprehensively.

"L." He tossed it between the bars holding up the banister and Matt pulled it gently from the air. He scanned it quickly. His heart sank even lower.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked again, even more gently this time.

"Not really," Mello said honestly. His voice barely rose above a whisper.

Matt deliberated for a moment, then climbed up the ladder and sat a foot or so from Mello. The blond had his arms wrapped around his knees and his hair covered most of his face. Matt sat cross-legged, leaning forward to try to look at Mello.

"I wish there were something I could do to help."

"Well there's not!" Mello snapped, whipping his head around to glare at Mello.

Matt didn't even wince. He returned Mello's stare with his own level gaze. After a few moments, Mello sighed and looked away first.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "This is just… hard for me."

"I know," Matt said. He thought for a moment. "Mell?"

"What?" he asked and sniffed.

"Do you want to see him?"

Mello looked up, confused for a moment out of his anger. "What?" he whispered.

"I said, do you want to see him?"

Mello bit the inside of his cheek and looked away, thinking hard about his answer. "Yeah," he said finally. "Yeah I do."

Matt stood and helped Mello to his feet. "Ok," he said. "Let's go."

"How?"

Matt shrugged and lead the way down the ladder and onto the floor. "I can drive."

"Without a license?" Mello asked skeptically.

Matt couldn't help but chuckle despite the grave situation. "Never stopped us before, right?"

Mello attempted a smile as he followed Matt out of the library. "Yeah… Right."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: SPOILER WARNING FOR THE LOS ANGELES BB MURDER CASES. The ending is revealed. Sorry. If you don't want it to be ruined, this chapter really isn't important, so you can skip it if you want.

This was originally written because my friend was planning on writing a parallel story following Mello. This was kinda just a filler for the time Mello spends with B. I'm not sure if she's going to end up writing the story or not but I decided to leave in this chapter anyway. Not my favorite, but whatever.

Thanks for reading. Haha. :D

xXx

Matt spoke with the nurse at the hospital while Mello sat, slightly dazed, on one of the plastic couches in the waiting room.

"I _know_ this is a sudden visit," Matt was saying. "That's what I've been telling you." Matt was doing his best to keep his voice low and even. "We came the moment we heard. Word travels fast in the family, ok?"

The secretary sighed. "You're sure you're asking for the right guy?"

"Yes," Matt said firmly.

She sighed again and resigned herself – fighting with the boy was obviously getting her nowhere. "I'll need you to sign in. And I'll need to see your IDs. He's under jurisdiction of the state."

"I understand," Matt said, trying not to look smug. He pulled his thin wallet out of his back pocket and pulled out a driver's license and showed it to her.

"Jeremy Asher," she muttered as she took down the name and date of birth on his fake ID. "And your brother's?" she asked.

Matt grimaced. "Josh isn't taking this too well. Can I just show his to you?"

She glanced at Mello and nodded.

Matt pulled one of Mello's fake IDs from his wallet too and showed it to her.

"Joshua… Handling?" she asked, squinting at the tiny print.

"Yeah," Matt said. "We have different dads." He looked down, pretending to be ashamed.

"I see it all the time dear." She finished filling out the form and handed it to him. "I'll need both you and your brother to sign it, then you can go and see your uncle."

"Thank you," Matt said with a genuine smile. He took the clipboard and pen from her and walked over to Mello. He sat down beside him and finished his own practiced signature, then handed the forms to Mello. "Your name is Joshua Handling. H-A-N-D-L-I-N-G," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth. Mello signed the forms with a flourish. "Ok," he said, taking them back from him and helping him to stand. "We can go in now, she said."

Once Matt handed her the papers, the nurse pressed a button on her desk. "Please send out Agent Misora," she said into the miniature microphone.

"There's an Agent here? Like from the FBI?" Matt asked, sounding confused and a little concerned.

"Yes," the nurse answered once she'd lifted her finger from the mic. "She was the one who caught your Uncle. She's only here on follow-up."

Matt nodded, taking this in silently, careful to show nothing on his face.

The door opened a few moments later the door opened and a young Japanese woman stepped out.

"These are the boys," the nurse behind the counter said.

Agent Misora nodded and led them inside. They followed her down the twisted hallways and into the back of the ward. Matt knew which door was the right one before Agent Misora even pointed it out – there were two heavily armed officers standing outside it.

Matt felt Mello falter and gently gripped the other boy's hand, attempting to give him silent strength. Mello squeezed Matt's hand, his own sweaty and a little shaky.

"It'll be okay," Matt whispered to him. "Really, it will."

Mello nodded, not daring to speak.

Agent Misora stopped outside the door and opened it for them. Mello and Matt entered silently and she closed the door behind them. Matt was surprised at first that she didn't follow them in, but then he realized there was no need to do so.

Mello took one look at the man on the hospital bed before he collapsed into one of the hard, uncomfortable chairs. Matt had to look away, feeling a little uneasy.

The man before them was hand-cuffed to his hospital bed despite his obvious incapacity. Every inch of his skin was mutilated by severe burns. A moment's glance told Matt everything he needed to know – Beyond Birthday had covered himself in gasoline, been lit on fire, and been put out somehow, probably by a fire extinguisher. The fact that he was still alive was a miracle in and of itself.

"Matt, would you um… give me a minute with him?" Mello's voice was very weak.

"Are you sure?" Matt asked, looking at him with intense concern.

Mello hesitated, then nodded. "I'll call if I need you."

Matt nodded and stepped outside. He closed his eyes as he pulled the door shut behind him, trying to rid his thought of the horrific scene he'd just witnessed.

Agent Misora was upon him in an instant. "Jeremy, was it?" she asked.

"What?" Matt had to pull himself out of the image burned into his memory. "Oh. Yeah."

"Will you come with me for a minute?"

Matt glanced back at the room, knowing Mello was still inside, alone. "I really don't want-"

Agent Misora didn't give him a choice, however. She grabbed his arm in a vise-like grip and pulled him away. She turned him into a vacant room, pushed him inside, and closed and locked the door behind her.

"I want to know who you really are, _Jeremy._" She started speaking before Matt had even really recovered from being grabbed and shoved into a room by a strange woman, and an FBI agent to boot. "Though I don't really care what you're doing here."

"So then, Agent Misora," he replied calmly, "why take me away from my-"

"You can save the act, Jeremy," she said calmly. "I know Beyond Birthday has no family."

"-friend," Matt finished, frowning at her. "There's no need to tell me how to behave, Naomi Misora. Yes, I know who you are." Matt shook his head and seated himself in the physician's seat. "L told me about you."

"L?" she repeated, taken aback.

"Sure. You were his man on the scene in the LA BB Murder Cases. B - or Beyond Birthday – is the perpetrator. And I choose not to ask you about anything, just as I expect you to perform the same courtesy."

Naomi looked unchanged, though Matt knew he's surprised her. "How does a…?"

"A child like me know about L? I'm afraid I can't tell you that. I'm sure you understand."

Naomi sat down on the examining table. "So… why are you here? Surely L doesn't need…?"

Matt shook his head. "No, of course not. He trusts you to complete all the work, as he told you before I'm sure. No, this is a personal visit. BB was 'Joshua's' mentor. He took the news of B's… condition very hard, as I'm sure you can imagine. I brought him here so that he might be able to gain a sense of… closure, if you know what I mean."

Naomi nodded.

"Now, Agent Misora, I don't mean to be rude, but I should get back. My 'brother' might need me." He stood and headed for the door. "You should be more careful about who you pull into rooms without warning. I _am_ armed, you know. If I thought you were going to harm me, I would have killed you or at the very least incapacitated you. I know this is an emotional time for you, but please, be more careful."

Naomi nodded minutely. "Please forgive me for being suspicious. You learned of B's condition so quickly that I was afraid you were here to break him out or … something." She shook her head. "But since you know of L… Well…"

Matt nodded. "I understand. B tried to kill himself only a few hours ago. You must still be in shock. Go home, Naomi Misora. Reassure Ray that you're not pushing yourself too hard. He'll appreciate that."

"How did you-?"

"It's all about who you know, Agent Misora." Matt let himself out of the room and walked back to B's room. He waited three hours for Mello, calm and composed at last, to emerge.

xXx

A/N: I know Naomi was kinda OOC for this one. Okay, REALLY OOC, cause she's awesome and I purposely made her annoying and incompetant. I wrote this on a whim and I kinda like it, so I'm keeping it. Besides, it's not fun to have Matt just waiting around for Mello to come out.

In case you are unaware (and missed my note above), the events involving L, Naomi Misora, and Beyond Birthday are found in Death Note: Another Note, also called The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases. I didn't just make it up. :D It's an amazing book. Go read it if you haven't.

I also realize that B would be in a hospital in L.A., where he was at the time, but work with me on this one ok? It helps Mello's character development. And Matt's too, really. Just deal with it. :D


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Decided to post this one today too cause the last chapter is the epitome of pointless. XD Plus I just don't like it.

xXx

Mello didn't speak the whole drive back to Wammy's House. Matt understood and didn't say anything either. Instead, he turned on some calming music on the radio. Matt drove in silence, his eyes on the road. Mello leaned against the passenger-side window, staring blankly at the road.

Finally, when they were about an hour away from Wammy's House, Mello finally spoke. "I don't want to go back yet Matt." His voice was barely audible, but Matt heard him clearly.

"Alright," he said gently. A few minutes later, he pulled off into a gas station. He parked the car and turned it off, then faced Mello. "Are you hungry?" he asked hopefully. Mello hadn't eaten anything all day. "I really think you should eat something…"

Mello deliberated for a moment. "Okay. Sure… but only if you do something for me."

Matt frowned slightly. "What?"

"Just give me some cash. I'll be right back."

Matt sighed, pulled out his wallet and handed Mello some cash. He sat in silence as Mello climbed out of the car and headed inside the mini-mart.

Matt waited impatiently, his fingers drumming lightly on the steering wheel. His legs were bouncing and he chewed the inside of his cheek.

After only about five minutes, Mello came back carrying a plastic grocery bag. He got in the car and sat down.

"So what's the deal?" Matt asked as soon as Mello was settled.

Mello didn't answer at first. Instead, he pulled out a sandwich, unwrapped it, and took a bite out of it. Then he reached in, pulled out two small things and handed them to Matt.

Matt frowned, looking down at them. "What do you want me to do with this?"

Mello swallowed and said, very seriously, "You said you were afraid of fire, right?"

Matt bit his lip. "Yeah…"

Mello met his eyes squarely. "I was thinking about it this way. If you get used to it in small quantities, it won't be so bad in slightly larger quantities."

Matt looked down at the things in his hand again and sighed. "You're probably right. But that doesn't make this any easier."

"Yeah… I know."

Matt's hand shook slightly as he lifted the light. It was one of the cheapest ones made – it was made of blue plastic and he could see the lighter fluid inside.

He hesitated for a moment, then lit it. He kept it going for a couple of seconds, then had to put it out. He noticed his heart was racing and looked away from Mello's gaze.

"It's alright Matt. You did well for your first time."

Matt shook his head. "No I didn't. This is _ridiculous._ I know this can't hurt me or you or anyone but… it still scares me."

Mello rested his hand on Matt's shoulder gently. "I know," he said quietly.

Matt looked up and met his eyes, then nodded. "Ok. Gimme a second. I'm gonna try again."

Mello nodded encouragingly and took another bite of his sandwich.

Matt took a deep, steadying breath and lit the lighter again. He let it burn for almost ten seconds this time, then put it out. His hands were still shaking slightly, but he wasn't having trouble breathing now.

He set down the lighter, then opened the box – the second object – Mello had handed him. He pulled out a cigarette, but then turned it upside down and stuck it back in the box. "It's supposed to be good luck," he explained absently. "You smoke the first one last…" He shook his head, knowing Mello didn't care, and pulled out the second. He stuck it in his mouth, then very carefully lit it.

"Have you ever smoked before?" Mello asked.

Matt shook his head and carefully inhaled. He immediately coughed and choked as the smoke burned its way down his throat.

"Are you alright?" Mello asked.

Matt nodded, but Mello handed him a bottle of water anyway. Matt gulped some of it down, then tried again. The second time was a little easier, the third was even easier. Soon, Matt found he wasn't having any trouble at all.

Seeing this, Mello smiled. "We make an interesting pair, don't we?" he asked absently. He finished his sandwich and pulled out a chocolate bar from his grocery bag.

"Mm," Matt murmured in reply, taking another drag on his cigarette. "Yeah... I guess we do."

xXx

They got back to the mansion very late – at almost 3 in the morning. Matt used his keys to get them through the gate and into the house (he parked the car back in the garage where it belonged). They crept inside and up the back stairs.

They walked together back to the hall where both of their rooms were. Matt stopped at his room and was about to go in when Mello stopped him.

"Hey Matt," he whispered, mindful of the other children.

Matt looked up. "Yeah?"

"Come here. I have something for you."

Matt, vaguely recalling Mello talking about a late birthday present, nodded and followed Mello into the room they had once shared.

Mello had his back to Matt when Matt shut the door quietly behind them. Mello was rummaging through the trunk at the end of his bed and, after a few moments, pulled out a package wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with string.

"Sorry it's not wrapped better," Mello muttered, seeming embarrassed.

Matt shook his head and carefully took the little package from Mello. He crossed to his old bed, slipped off his shoes, and sat cross-legged on top of it. He untied the string and tore off the paper to reveal a plain white box. Smiling, he lifted the lid of the box and looked at the object inside. He stared at them for a moment, then carefully lifted it out.

The goggles had thick, plain black frames and dark lenses. They looked a lot like ordinary sunglasses but made for someone who rode a motorcycle. Matt looked up at Mello, his expression one of slight confusion.

"They're prescription lenses," Mello said, fighting back a light blush. It was hard not to when Matt was looking at you like that. "I… I got them for you because… well…" He bit the inside of his cheek, took a breath, and explained. "I noticed that you… hate looking most people in the eyes… because a lot of people are uncomfortable with your eyes because they don't match…"

Matt couldn't speak. He swallowed hard, looked down at the goggles and then back up at Mello. He looked away again very quickly.

"Do you um… not like them or something?"

Matt shook his head. "No," he said, a little hoarsely. "I really do like them. But I… I'm just surprised, that's all."

"Surprised?" Mello repeated. "By what?"

"The fact that you noticed something that no one else ever has." When Matt next met Mello's eyes, his own were shining with tears. He smiled warmly at his friend. Then he slid his glasses off and carefully replaced them with the goggles. He had thought the room would get a lot darker due to the color of the lenses, but it didn't. He didn't even want to think about how much money they had cost Mello.

"So, how's it look?" he asked after a moment.

Mello grinned at him. "Awesome. Just like I thought they would." He smirked smugly, but then laughed it off, playing.

Matt laughed too, but quietly, ever mindful of the other children nearby. "Thanks Mell. I mean it."

Mello's expression softened a little. "I'm glad you like them so much," he said honestly.

Soon after, the two fell asleep in Mello's room, smiles on their faces as they slept.


	12. Chapter 12

Matt's three months were quickly running out. He had only a month and a half left with no conscious decision made. He'd read every single line of all the files L had given him without coming to any solid conclusions. He was starting to become afraid. He wasn't afraid of L, per se, but he _was_ afraid of making a mistake. His choice would effect not only L and those directly involved, but himself, the other children in Wammy's House, and, in the end, the rest of the world as well.

Needless to say, Matt was _stressed._

Since he couldn't really talk about what was bothering him, he started to pull back into himself, ignoring most of those around him. He was brooding and extremely irritable. He snapped at people most of the time when he spoke and he hated it, so eventually he simply refused to speak.

The whole of Wammy's House seemed to be aware of Matt's rapidly declining tolerance. It wasn't hard to see the change in him. Where before he was _never_ angry at anyone or anything, he was now irritated (to say the least) at _everything._

Linda was sitting with some of her other friends in the dining hall, watching Matt from a distance. He was sitting alone on the other side of the hall, barely even touching his food though she knew it was all stuff he loved.

"Linda, why don't you go talk to him?" her friend Leah asked.

Linda shook her head. "I don't want to bring it up…"

"But _you_ know what's _wrong_ with him," Jesse chimed in. Linda glared at him in response.

"So _what?_" she snapped. "I can't help him with this."

"You can't help him choose… whatever that means," he retorted. "_But_ you _can_ help him deal with the stress. He can talk to you about it. He can't talk to the rest of us."

Linda groaned. "Does the whole damn house know about this or something?"

He shrugged. "It wasn't hard to figure out. Remember, you're living with a bunch of geniuses."

Linda rolled her eyes as she reluctantly stood. "Yeah. Bunch of humble brainiacs," she muttered darkly. She sighed to herself and turned so she was facing Matt. She hesitated for a moment, then made her way through the tables toward him. She stopped on the side of the table opposite him. "…H-hey Matt," she stuttered.

Matt sighed and glanced up at her, then went back to playing with his food. "What do you want Linda?" he mumbled. He looked very tired.

Linda's spirits fell. "Matt, have you been sleeping lately?"

Matt glared up at her though she couldn't see that behind his goggles. "Is _that_ what you came over here to ask me?"

Linda frowned. "No, but I _am_ worried about you."

"Yeah well. I'm a little stressed. You of all people should understand."

"And I _do_ understand," she said instantly. "But that doesn't stop me from worrying."

"Worrying won't do much to help," Matt said, sounding even more worn.

"Is there anything I _can_ do to help?" she insisted.

Matt groaned and stood, his hands still resting on the table. "Look, Linda, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but _please_ just leave me alone." He picked up his tray and turned away, heading for the kitchen.

"Matt _please!"_ she called after him. "Don't ask me to do that."

"Why not?" he snapped back at her. He turned his head so he could see her over his shoulder.

"Because I…!" She stopped, her face instantly flaring red. She glanced around at the other children, most of whom were watching them now. She shook her head, went up to Matt and whispered something in his ear.

Matt rounded on her. He opened his mouth, intent on yelling at her, then just shook is head. He looked furious. He slammed his tray down on the nearest table, then gripped Linda's arm very tightly and dragged her out of the dining room and into the main hall. As soon as the doors shut behind them, he pushed her so she stood facing him. "You wanna run that by me again?" he demanded.

Linda looked almost afraid. "I said I can't leave you alone because _I love you._"

Matt groaned. "That's what I thought you said," he muttered darkly.

Linda crossed her arms over her chest. "And what's wrong with _that?"_ she snapped defensively.

Matt looked utterly dumbfounded. "What… what's _wrong_ with that?! Are you fucking _kidding_ me??" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Linda!" He turned away from her, trying to compose himself. "Do you have _any_ idea how much I do _not_ need to hear this from you right now??"

Linda's face turned even redder. "I'm just telling you why I can't let you go on being such a jerk to everyone! You're not acting like yourself at all!"

"Well gee. I'm _sorry_ I'm too fucking _stressed out_ about something else to worry about whether or not people _like me!" _he shouted.

"Matt, please," she said in a rather soothing tone. "Keep your voice down or people will-"

"Or what?" he interrupted. "People will hear me? Well too damn bad! Let the whole damn world know! I'm _exhausted_ and I'm _irritated _ and I'm _stressed _as _hell!_ So forgive me I don't care if other people 'hear me.'" He turned and started for the main stairway behind him.

"Matt!" Linda called after him, "Matt, wait!" She sprinted after him. She followed him to his room, but he had already disappeared inside and shut the door. She knocked cautiously. "Matt? Matt please. Can we talk? I just want to talk to you."

She heard Matt sigh. "Alright," he said reluctantly.

Linda pushed the door opened and saw Matt, his back to her, leaning on his desk for support. She bit her lip and quietly closed the door behind her.

"…I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I just… I'm so tired and I…" He shook his head, unable to finish the thought.

"I know you're stressed out Matty," she told him gently. "Anyone would be."

He sighed. "That's no excuse. None at all. I've been a jackass for the past couple of weeks. And not just to you. To everyone. I hate it but… there's nothing I can do."

"When did you last sleep?" she asked, taking a couple of steps forward.

Matt shrugged. "I don't really remember. A couple of days ago I think."

"You still have time Matt. Why don't you try to relax a little?"

"I _can't_ Linda!" he snapped, then stopped himself. "I can't," he repeated more gently. "I've already been here for two _years_. A month and a half in comparison is no time at all."

Linda reached out and gently touched his shoulder. She half expected him to recoil, but he didn't. Instead, he turned to her and wrapped his arms firmly around her, hugging her very tightly. She could feel him shaking beneath her hands.

"I'm _scared_, Linda," he said, almost too softly to hear.

"Scared of what?" she asked, equally softly.

"Of choosing wrong," he admitted.

"Matty, I know you. You're my _best friend._ And I know you won't choose wrong. If you really and truly believe you know the answer, then you know it. You're not wrong."

"But I _don't _know," he moaned. "That's just _it._ I'm so confused and scared that I can't even _think_ properly half the time."

Linda carefully pulled back from him. "Come here," she said, gently leading him to his desk and pushing him down into his chair. She turned to the piles and piles of reports and Matt's own notes. She leaned over it, a determined look on her face now. "Let's see what you have."

xXx

At the end of the night, Matt's decision was far from made, but he felt much more at ease. Linda didn't do anything more than help him to organize his thoughts and decide what to look for in his remaining time, but it had helped him more than he could say.

Linda had fallen asleep sometime around three in the morning, lying on Matt's bed, files and notes scattered all around her still form.

Once Matt was finished with his work, he cleaned up the papers around her and lay down on the floor. He grabbed the folded blanket off the end of the bed and rolled it up to use as a pillow. He fell asleep almost instantly, and for once he slept peacefully.


	13. Chapter 12 and a half

A/N: So because I was rushing to get the chapter up, I didn't remember that this was written out of order. This was SUPPOSED to be posted between the original chapters 12 and 13, so it was labeled 12.5. I'm posting it now because I think it was probably important at some point. XD

xXx

Matt woke later, much later than usual, to find that he was still on the floor. His muscles were slightly stiff from his night spent on the ground, but he felt much better than he had in a long time, and it wasn't just because he'd gotten a good night's sleep.

He looked up to see that Linda's eyes were open too. She was just barely in range of his clear vision. He could see that she was watching him intently. When their eyes met, she smiled at him.

"Morning," she said.

"Morning," he said back.

"Did you sleep ok?"

"Mm," he replied. "Yeah, I did."

The corner of her mouth curled a little more. "Good. I'm glad."

Matt sat up, stretching. He messed his hair with his hands and shook himself out. He stood and stretched again. He turned toward his closet, intent on changing into clean clothes.

"Matt?" Linda called quietly.

"Yeah?" He turned back to look at her, still smiling.

Linda bit her lip. "I just want you to know… I… I meant what I told you yesterday… about how I feel…" She met his eyes squarely, though he could tell she didn't really want to.

Matt's smile faded. He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets and walked back over to her. "Look… Linda, I-"

She didn't let him finish, however. Before he could so much as blink, Linda stood, closed the distance between them, and kissed him, one small hand on the back of his head.

Matt was stunned. He wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't even sure if he kissed her back or not before she pulled away, her face the brightest red he'd ever seen.

"I…I-I'm sorry," she muttered. She seemed almost as surprised as Matt felt.

Matt shook his head, the color of his face and his heart rate unchanged. "No, it's okay," he told her. "Don't be upset."

Linda shook her head and backed away.

Matt frowned. "Don't do that," he pleaded gently with her. "Without my glasses, I can't see you when you're so far away."

Linda hesitated.

"Linda please…" He reached out blindly in her general direction.

He heard her take a few steps forward, then saw her hand reaching out for his. He curled his large hand around her tiny fingers. He gently tugged on her hand until she was back in his very limited realm of clear vision. Then he pulled her into his arms.

"I'm sorry Linda," he told her.

"So… you don't love me," she said, sounding very sad but unsurprised.

Matt shook his head. "Of course I do. I just… don't know if it's the same way you love me. I just… I don't know."

Linda met his eyes for a moment and then nodded. "Alright. I understand."

Matt sought her eyes again and waited to speak until she begrudgingly met his gaze. "Linda. You're my best friend. You and Mello both. And I love you both more than anyone else in the world. Really, I do. I want you to know that more than I want anything else in the whole world."

She smiled despite the tears that were in her eyes now. "Yeah…" she whispered. "I know."

xXx

Matt was lying on his back on his bed, one of his many, many files in one hand. His other arm was beneath his head. He was reading over this particular file for probably the thirtieth time. More files were lying beside him, the cover of the manila folder on the top flipped open. On the desk next to him was a lit cigarette, smoldering gently in the ashtray, forgotten.

There was a knock on Matt's closed door. Matt glanced toward it once, then looked back up at the file.

"Come in," he called.

The door open and in walked Mello.

Matt sat bolt upright, startled. He had been expecting Linda, not Mello. He slipped the file back in its folder, flipped the cover closed and slid the whole stack behind him smoothly. "Hey man," he said, smiling. "I thought you'd gone out."

"Expecting someone else?" Mello asked, raising an eyebrow.

Matt shrugged. "Not really. So what's up?"

Mello closed the door behind him and crossed the room. He pulled over Matt's desk chair and sat down in it backward, his arms resting on the back of it. "I just wanted to talk to you. You seem really out of it lately… I was worried about you, you know?"

Matt adjusted himself, crossing his legs beneath him and fixing his glasses more securely on his nose. "Mm," Matt replied. "Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry about that…"

"Are you okay?" Mello asked. "I know you can't really tell me what's going on with you. It's about the choice, right?" When Matt nodded, Mello continued. "I thought so. I've never seen you so upset about anything. You just don't seem like yourself… Is there anything at all I can do for you Matt?"

"I'm doing a lot better," Matt assured him. "Really, I am. I'm just…" He cast about for the right word. "I'm really stressed out, you know?"

"Is it really such a big deal?" His tone had no trace of sarcasm in it; he really wanted to know.

"Mm," Matt said. "It's a request from _L_ _himself_. And it's got a lot of weight to it. The last time I spoke to him, he gave me three months to decide. I have about a month and a half left. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm having a hard time eating so I'm just so exhausted that I can hardly think. It's just really getting to me lately."

Mello was silent for a very long time following Matt's words. Matt, assuming Mello had nothing further to say, turned and reached for something on his desk when Mello spoke again. He froze at the sound of his friend's voice.

"You're not gonna leave… are you Matt…?" His voice was barely audible.

Matt looked up, meeting Mello's eyes squarely. "No," he said, softly but very firmly. "No, I'm not."

Mello nodded, relieved. "Good…I'm glad…"

Matt couldn't help but smile.


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry this is a couple days late guys. I got caught up in stuff over break. I'm heading back to school where I will attempt to go back to regular updates. Hopefully twice a week (Tuesday/Thursday), but definitely once a week for sure (Thursdays). The semester is ending soon, and that means finals. But next semester will be easier. Just a couple more weeks until the madness stops! WoO!

Until then, enjoy the next chapter in AWH. :D

Btw. This is where Matt's secret is finally revealed. Sorry it took so long. :P

xXx

One day, two weeks before the deadline, Matt was pretending to be paying attention to some stupid show that was on the TV in the main living room, but he wasn't. Instead, he was watching the other children around him. One of the advantages of the goggles Mello had given him was that he could watch others without them noticing, since no one could now see where his gaze went.

At the moment, Matt was watching Near. There must have been twenty, maybe thirty other children in the massive room, yet Near never spoke to any of them. Once or twice he would say something to Mello or perhaps Matt or Linda, but from the way he so blatantly ignored the others, it seemed to Matt as though he thought them all beneath him. Matt frowned just slightly and switched his gaze over to Mello, who was playing another boy whose name Matt didn't remember in a game of chess. It was obvious that Mello would win, but Mello took the time to play anyway. Other children were watching, some sitting in silence, others offering pointers or words of encouragement.

The two halves of the room were like two different worlds. Near's silent, monochromatic world of study and superiority and Mello's brighter world of attention and understanding. There were some aspects of the one in the other and vice versa, but for the most part they were very different. Matt, sitting alone in the corner seat of the couch at the back of the room, was probably the only one who could see that. Most people saw Near as the one who knew things, the one who didn't have to try or care and saw Mello as someone who tried but didn't always succeed, who was more approachable than the formidable Near because he was more like the other children. But Matt knew that wasn't true. Neither Near nor Mello was anything like the other children. The others only saw the difference in Near. They didn't notice it in Mello because Mello tried so hard to be just like them while not trying to be like them at all. He depended on them but didn't need them. He looked to them for guidance but followed his own path at the same time. And yet… and yet there was something about Near. He was stable and sure, not impulsive, a clear thinker, someone who could detach himself in a way that Mello never could. And in that way, Near was superior. Matt understood all of that.

In the instant he realized that he understood this and so many other things, his decision was made.

Matt jumped up without realizing he'd done so. The other children stared at him, startled by his sudden movement. He didn't even glance at them. He sprinted out of the room, through the hallways, and up the large main stairwell. He ran as fast as he could to Mr. Wammy's office, knowing that for once the older man would be there.

Matt shouldered through the door and skidded to a halt in front of Mr. Wammy's desk, almost completely out of breath.

Quillish Wammy looked up, not showing so much as an ounce of surprise at Matt's sudden appearance. "Yes? What is it Matt?" he asked calmly, laying aside the reports he had just been reading over.

Matt had to pause for a moment to catch his breath so that he could speak. "I… need to… speak… to L…. Now."

Mr. Wammy considered him for a moment, then nodded. "We were hoping you would decide soon," he said calmly. "L is not here at the moment and will not be able to be here for some time. You have heard of the new case he is working on?"

Matt nodded. Of course he knew. Everyone in Wammy's House knew about L going after the killer the general public had named "Kira." The case had been going on for about seven months.

"If you will wait, I will arrange for you to speak with him directly."

Matt nodded, his breath finally returned. "Thank you sir."

xXx

An hour later, Matt was sitting alone in a secured conference room, a computer on the table before him in the otherwise empty room. He jumped a little when the static suddenly cleared and a calligraphic letter "L" appeared on the screen.

"I have been told you have made a decision, Matt." The voice coming from the computer didn't sound like L's at all, but Matt would know that synthetic voice anywhere.

"I have," Matt said. He sat up a little straighter despite the fact that no one was watching him.

"Is that so?" L said, not really asking a question. "Please, tell me."

Matt felt his voice freeze in his throat. All of a sudden he wasn't sure. His decision might be wrong. It _must_ be wrong somehow!

And yet… he knew in his heart that it wasn't. He knew he was right, but he couldn't deny the fact that he was afraid to tell L what conclusion he had come to. He swallowed several times before testing out his voice again.

L said nothing, just waited patiently in silence.

Finally, Matt shook his head. Now was the time to say it. Now was the moment when it all ended but, at the exact same time, everything would start.

"L… Neither Mello nor Near should be chosen as your heir…." He swallowed again, then finished his thought. "It would be best for you not to name an heir at all. Ever."

Silence greeted Matt's words. He swallowed yet again and wiped his palms on his jeans.

"…Interesting," L finally said. "Would you care to explain?"

"…Y-yes." Matt shook his head, clearing it a little, and breathed a silent sigh of relief. "I had originally intended to say that Mello should be named your heir. Though Near's scores are higher than his, Mello has compassion, something that Near lacks in its entirety. Compassion is essential. And yet… Near would be the logical choice because of his… logic, actually." Matt paused and shook his head. He took a moment to recollect his thoughts, then tried again. "Yet Near could never understand. He could never put himself _out there_ and really _do_ the work that you do. He's an armchair detective, and you're… well… _not._ So… When I thought about it… though Mello is the better choice, he should not be named heir either. When neither of them are, it will force Mello to try to prove himself. And I know he already does that to a certain degree, but it's so much more… _different_. Here, he has a chance of _maybe_ becoming someone who _might_ become the next 'L' _if_ he fits some hidden criteria no one ever talks about. But if he and Near were really competing to _be_ L, no maybes, just win or lose, he'll give it his all. He'll risk _everything_ for the cause, and _that_ is what the next L should be. Not someone who will sit back and watch others go out and do the work for him."

More silence followed Matt's speech. His fingers drummed nervously against his leg as he waited.

"I agree," L said after a few moments. "I will not name an heir."

Matt sighed audibly in relief. If L agreed with him, there was no way he would be wrong.

"Matt," L said, getting the boy's attention again. "You have been following the Kira case, have you not?"

"Yes, I have," Matt answered honestly.

"Then you have probably reached the same conclusion I have reached." L didn't wait for an answer. "Catching Kira will not be simple and it will not be easy. I do not expect that I will live to see it through."

Matt's breath caught. The thought had not really occurred to him. He had thought it, but never really believed it could happen. He wanted to say something, but found he couldn't speak. It was as though the ground had been pulled out from beneath him like a rug.

L went on. "It is a sacrifice I am willing to make to see this case end. However, this means that Near and Mello will be finishing this case for me."

"Y-yes," Matt stammered, his voice weak. "I s…suppose so."

"…Do you think both of _them_ will survive?" L asked seriously.

Matt clenched his jaw.

"Matt?" L prompted when he received no reply.

"…No. In all honesty, no. I don't think they'll both survive," Matt whispered.

"With whom will your allegiance lie?" L asked, more for curiosity's sake than anything, though he probably already knew the answer to that.

"With Mello," Matt answered at once. "Just as it always has been."

"Very well," L replied. "Thank you Matt. Your insights have done much to put my mind at ease. I must go now. Farewell." The line went dead.

"…Goodbye… L…"

xXx

Matt's heart was neither light, as he expected it to be, nor heavy, as it had been, when he left Mr. Wammy's office a little while later. He simply felt nothing at all. What was he supposed to do now?

Matt dragged his feet as he headed back to his room. He opened the door and didn't bother to shut it behind him.

He sat down heavily on his bed, his eyes glued to the floor, his hands clasped tightly together. He could feel sweat on his face yet he felt suddenly very cold. He shivered but made no other movements, just stared blankly at the floor.

He didn't move for a very long time.

It was done. And neither Mello nor Near could ever know.

xXxXx

A/N: Congrats to Demon Hiei's Girl for guessing it almost 2 weeks ago. XD

Yay Matt! :D

The fact that Matt was the one appointed to choose L's successor was the idea I decided to write this story again. It was kinda fun not saying that for a while though, not gonna lie. Haha. :D

Hope you like it. Please review!

Thanks for reading. :D

- Eevil hero


	15. Chapter 14

A/N: Thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter! It really improved my day. My flight back to school got delayed so much that I would have missed my connection in Cincinnati, so they rebooked me for tomorrow. Then I got home and felt way sick, slept for several hours and am not feeling much better so whatever. And on top of that I've been told that if I even attempt to contact one of my old friends ever again I'll be arrested. Why? No idea. Girl's become a real bitch.

Anyway, I know this must be fascinating to all of you, but oh well. XD Just saying.

In any case, it really made me feel better knowing my last chapter was so well received. :D Thanks for making my day better guys. To thank you for it, have another chapter. :D

:hearts:

-Eevil hero

xXx

Matt had no idea how much time had passed before someone came looking for him. He'd been lying on his bed for hours, staring blankly at the wall, trying not to think. He knew the magnitude of what he had done and that knowledge hurt him more than anything else in the world.

It was dark outside when Mello came for him.

When he got no answer to his knock at the door, Mello walked in anyway. He flicked the switch to the light Matt had neglected to turn on. Matt closed his eyes against the glare and hid his face in his pillow.

"Please not now," he moaned. "Just leave me alone Linda."

"I'm not Linda," Mello said. He didn't seem angry at being mistaken for her for once. Matt generally expected her more than he expected Mello, so it had happened before.

"Sorry Mello," Matt said half-heartedly.

Silence fell while Mello tried to think of something to say.

"You made your choice, didn't you?" Mello finally asked, though it wasn't really a question. He knew.

"Yeah, I did," Matt said quietly.

"Are you leaving…?" Mello asked tentatively.

Matt grimaced, then set his face back into a neutral expression. He sat up, then slowly, very slowly got to his feet. He faced Mello squarely, then walked right up to him. He reached around the other boy, their faces very close to one another, and closed the door behind him.

Matt stared into Mello's eyes for a long moment. Mello's eyes were wide and confused, almost afraid but not quite. Matt wasn't sure Mello had it in him to truly be afraid. Matt's gaze was level.

"No," he said firmly. "I'm not leaving. I am not leaving here and I am not leaving you."

Mello looked relieved, but Matt wasn't finished.

"Mello, there's something I have to tell you."

Mello instantly looked apprehensive again. "What is it?" he asked hesitantly.

"My choice had been made so I can do no further good here in the same respect that I did it before. So now I have to change things. The difficult choice I had to make involved L. It set everything into motion the moment I told him my decision. And now I have to make a personal change as well. My life will be worthless at this point if I don't. And so I've chosen you."

Mello stared, bewildered. "I don't understand."

"I choose to help you. That is what I'm going to do. Stay by you, follow you, do whatever I can for you. I want to help you become the next L."

"So… you're saying you want to… serve me or something?"

"Yes, if you want to think of it that way. I want to be your servant."

"But I… _why?_"

Matt was silent for a moment, then answered him honestly. "I don't know. I just know it's what I want." He waited, gauging Mello's reaction, then asked, "Will you accept me?"

Mello seemed at a loss for words. "I… I guess so…"

The corner of Matt's mouth curled. "Thank you."

"Yeah…" Mello said weakly. "N-no problem…"

xXx

The next morning, Matt found himself being shaken awake at around 3 am.

"Whassamadder?" he muttered, half asleep still.

"Matt, wake up," someone said enthusiastically.

"Mero…? Wussa problem?"

"Come _on _Matt. Get _up_. I wanna talk to you."

Matt finally sat up, rubbing his eyes and blinking several times to clear his vision as much as possible. He grabbed his glasses and sleepily put them on. "Ok, ok," he mumbled. "I'm awake. What is it?"

Mello was sitting on Matt's bed, watching his friend. "Well I was thinking about it, right? The thing you said earlier, about serving me?"

"Yeah, what about it?" Matt stifled a yawn.

"Well, I'm really starting to like the idea," Mello said and grinned.

"That's great," Matt said unenthusiastically. "Can I go back to sleep now?"

"Nope. In fact, I order you not to."

"You _order_ me not to?" Matt repeated, bewildered.

"Yeah. I _order_ you not to. That's what I decided. Since you serve me, that means I'm your master and I can tell you to do whatever I want."

"Well yeah…. I guess so…"

"So, from now on, whenever I order you to do something, you have to do it, no matter what it is."

"Yeah okay fine. Can I _please_ go back to sleep? I'm _tired._"

Mello sighed and exasperation. "_Fine_. Sleep all you like. But move over. I don't feel like going back to my room, so I'm staying here."

Matt rolled his eyes and did as he was told.

The two fell asleep relatively quickly, but before Matt fell back into his dream world he remembered quite distinctly that he smiled. Though it might sound crazy to most people, this idea actually made Matt…really, really _happy_.

Even though his answer to L was still eating away at him (though he knew he'd been right), he felt more at ease about his own life. In that respect, at the very least, he knew he'd made the best choice.

xXx

A/N: Sorry this one's kinda short. This is the last of the already-written chapters. Now I'm gonna have to actually start working again. XD Wish me luck!


	16. Chapter 15

A/N: Couldn't sleep last night and then as a consequence accidently slept through both my classes today XD I didn't wake up until my Mello (cosplay partner) called me around 12 or 1230. So, since I have nothing much else to do, have another update.

xXx

The next morning at breakfast, Mello decided to test out his new position over Matt. He had Matt get both their plates of food while he sat at the table and when he was finished ordered Matt to take the plates back to the kitchen himself. Matt simply smiled a little, nodded, and did what he was told.

When he was back in the kitchen, cleaning up a bit, Linda decided to take advantage of his being alone.

"What's up with you today? Why are you doing whatever Mello says?"

Without turning around, Matt said, "Good morning to you too, Linda."

"He's acting like you serve him now or something." She sounded disgusted.

Matt shrugged. "I do," he told her simply. "My decision has been made. Now I'm just setting up a new position for myself so I don't become obsolete."

"Obsolete?" she repeated. "How could you ever think-?"

"My directive has been completed," he interrupted smoothly. "So I gave myself another."

"And that is…?"

"It's not your business is what it is." His voice was silky smooth and extremely calm.

Linda huffed. "So what did you tell L?" she asked, choosing not to rise to Matt's bait.

"I gave him his answer. That's all you need to know."

Linda frowned. "Why are you acting like this Matt? I thought we were friends."

Matt sighed and turned around to face her. "We _are_, Linda. We are. But…" He ran his hands through his hair. "It's just… hard to explain." He pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

"I wish you'd stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Smoking," she said. She put her hands on her hips. "Do you _want_ to die young?"

Matt just took a long draw on his cigarette and didn't answer.

Linda just shook her head. "Fine. Don't talk to me. I'll see you later."

Matt turned away as she left, feeling a little guilty, but his decision was _not_ something he wanted to discuss with anyone right now. The issue had just been resolved and he _still_ wasn't sure about it, only now there was nothing he could do to change that. He just wanted to let it go and move on with his life.

"Linda looked pretty mad," someone said behind him, sounding amused.

Matt jumped and coughed, choking on his cigarette smoke. He turned to face the newcomer. "Hey," he gasped out. He cleared his throat and took a moment to get his breath. "Sorry. Hey," he said again. "You startled me."

Mello shrugged nonchalantly. "I came in when she left. You only heard the door shut once, so naturally you thought no one else was here."

Matt shrugged. "I guess so."

Mello frowned. "Is something wrong?"

Matt shrugged. "I don't know. It's just… weird… being around Linda now."

"Why…?"

Matt blushed a little and stared down at the floor. "I don't know if I should say…"

Mello propped his fists on his hips. "Yeah? Well… well, I order you to tell me."

Matt sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "When she was trying to help me with my decision… well… she told me she was in love with me."

Mello's hands dropped to his sides. He looked genuinely shocked and a little horrified. "What?" he gasped.

"I know, right?" Matt muttered. He sat down on a kitchen stool and leaned lightly against the counter in the center of the room.

"Do… do _you_ love _her?"_ Mello asked, staring at Matt with wide eyes.

Matt deliberated. "Well…" he said slowly, "yes and no."

"Meaning…?"

"Meaning I said I love her and I love you. Both of you. Just… not the way she apparently loves me."

Mello took this in for a few moments. "Mm… Yeah…" he said at last. "I guess I get how that would be awkward…"

Matt nodded. "I tried not to let it change anything, but now every time she looks at me or touches me or… anything… it feels different. I feel like I'm leading her on if I reciprocate at all. I don't even feel like I can hug her anymore. I don't want to hurt her, but I think I'm going the wrong way about it."

Mello's frown turned thoughtful. "I don't really know a whole lot about girls… never really took an intense interest… Can't really help you out with this one."

Matt shrugged. "I wasn't intending to ask. My problem, not yours, you know?"

"Yeah I guess…" Mello took a seat next to Matt. "So your idea of letting her down," he mused, "was saying you loved both me _and_ her?"

Matt hid his face in his arms which were resting on the counter. He held his cigarette carefully away from his hair. "Yeah, I know, I know. It wasn't the best thing to say but it was all I could think of."

"I'm just kinda surprised, you know…" Mello said, trying to sound light. "You saying you love me and all…" He chuckled. "I never took you for a fag."

Matt kicked Mello's stool. "Oh shut up."

Mello laughed.

xXx

After that, things only got more awkward between Matt and Linda. He was never sure how to behave around her, and it was pretty obvious. One day she finally got fed up with it and decided to call him out on it.

He was busy working in his room, doing some paperwork Mello had ordered him to do so he wouldn't have to do it himself. He didn't even look up when Linda came in.

"Sorry Mell," he muttered, shuffling the papers around on his desk. "I'm not finished yet."

Linda sighed exasperatedly. "Does your whole _world_ revolve around him now?" She sounded more than a little annoyed.

Matt sighed and pushed back his chair. He turned and leaned against his desk, facing her. He watched her over the tops of his glasses. "What does it matter to you if it does?" he retorted, trying to keep the bite from his voice.

Her face betrayed her hurt.

Matt sighed heavily. "Linda…"

She shook her head, her eyes on the floor. "Look, I get it okay? I guess you just don't want me in your life anymore." She turned to go, but before she had even taken a step Matt lunged forward and caught her wrist.

"Wait," he pleaded.

"Why?" she demanded. She tried to hide the tears in her voice but he heard them clearly.

"Why would you think I want you out of my life?"

"You don't treat me the same way you did before. Ever since you made that ridiculous _choice_ of yours, you've been treating me like an entirely different person."

Matt shook his head. "That's got nothing to do with-"

She rounded on him. "Well then _why_?" she snapped. "Why don't you even _look_ at me the same anymore?"

Matt was silent for a moment then said, very quietly, "If Near, say, confessed his love to you, would you think of him the same way?"

"Wha-?"

"No, let me finish." He cast about for just the right words. "What I told you that day was true. I do love you, just… not like that…. I don't think…" He shook his head. "Anyway, that's not the point. Look, Linda… any time I see you, I want to act the same as I always did. Only now I'm not as confident about it. I keep trying to change my words and actions so you won't get the wrong idea. I know it's a stupid thing to do, but I can't help it. I do it without even thinking about it now. And I know that makes me sound like a jerk. I _should_ be able to just go on like we did before and not worry about what you told me, but I just… I _can't._ Do you understand that at all?"

Linda seemed stunned. "So you've been treating me like _shit_ so that I won't… get the wrong _idea?_"

Matt shrugged, relatively unrepentant. "I guess so."

Linda laughed despite the tears left on her face. "Typical… I never pegged you as a typical guy."

Matt shrugged. "I _am_ a guy."

She rolled her eyes. "I _know_ that. I just… figured we had something special, I guess."

"We _do_," he said fervently. "We're friends. That _is_ special."

Linda met his eyes and hers were sad. "Even knowing you were doing this deliberately… I still can't help but love you."

Matt's face fell slightly. "I wish you wouldn't."

"Believe me," she told him, "I do too."

They stared at each other in silence for a long time. Finally she turned away. "I should go."

This he didn't physically try to prevent her from leaving. "Linda," he called her quietly.

"Hm?" She kept her back to him.

"Please don't blame me for my feelings." He sighed. "Part of me really does want to love you. But I don't know if I do."

She turned back to him, a confused look on her face. "What do you mean… you don't know…?"

Matt shrugged and couldn't meet her eyes. "I've never loved anyone since my family died. And that was a different kind of love. Now I find myself _thinking_ I love you and Mello but… how can I be sure when I've never felt it before?"

Linda couldn't help but smile. He was so _adorable_ when he said things like that. It was sad, yes, but also incredibly cute. "Matt," she sighed. "It's something you just _know."_

He frowned, confused. "So how did you know then?" he asked, a little of matter-of-factly.

"That I loved you?" When he nodded she paused for a moment to think. "I'm not sure, really. It was almost like I'd always known I loved you… like I always _had_, but I was only just realizing it. Does that make sense?"

He nodded even though it only sort of did.

"So…" she said tentatively, "can we be friends again? Like before?"

Matt sighed. "I can't make any promises… but I'll try."

She crossed to him and hugged him. "Thanks Matty."

He hugged her back and smiled. He really had missed her despite the fact that it was his fault she hadn't been around as much. "I'm sorry," he said. "I just didn't know what to do."

"I know," she said when she pulled away. "I'm sorry too. It wasn't fair of me to throw my feelings at you like that."

He shrugged. "I guess that makes us even."

She nodded and smiled. "Yeah. I guess it does."


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: This chapter is kinda short but w/e. I had some time and didn't feel like studying (again), so I wrote another chapter. I'm putting it up today instead of tomorrow cause I get the feeling I'll forget if I do.

Next chapter will come soon. It'll be full of angsty, gooshy goodness. :D So look forward to it!

Oh, and if you could, please review? I haven't been getting as many lately and it's rather discouraging. D:

Thanks for reading!

-Eevil hero

xXx

Matt and Mello started falling into a pretty regular routine. Matt followed Mello most places and did the things Mello didn't feel like doing. The rest of Wammy's house very quickly realized what was going on, and many of the children took it upon themselves to question Mello and Matt about it. Their answers, however, were always the same.

"I don't know," Mello would say, not generally looking up from what he was doing. "Ask Matt."

"Huh? Oh… well…" Matt would always say. "I guess it's just the way things were meant to play out. Now would you hand me those pliers? I've gotta finish this."

No one, not even Linda, really seemed to understand what was going on with them. She and Matt remained close friends, but even she never fully understood the strange new relationship the two boys had formed with one another.

She _really_ didn't understand it the first time Mello sent Matt on a "mission."

Matt was sitting in the common room, talking to James and Kalvin about some game or another when Mello came up to him.

He had his DS in hand and was talking about his newest game to his friends. "The graphics are alright I guess," he was saying, "but it's really the music that got me hooked, to be honest. Something about it really-"

"Matt."

Matt stopped midsentence and looked up at Mello from his position on the floor. "What's up?" he asked, turning away from James and Kalvin to look at him.

"I have a mission for you," Mello said.

"A mission?" Matt repeated, sounding a little confused. Mello had never sent him on a "mission" before, so Matt really wasn't sure what to expect.

"Yep. A mission. I need you to go get something for me."

Matt instantly stood, his friends and unfinished conversation forgotten. "Alright," he said obediently. "Where, when, and what?" Those were generally the only three questions Matt ever asked when Mello wanted him to do something.

"It's a special order firearm," he said, handing Matt the order form and an envelope. Matt didn't even look at them, just slipped them into his pocket. "It's from a specialty shop in Avon, south of here. It shouldn't take more than a day or so for you to get it and come back."

Matt nodded slowly, thinking. "Alright. I know Avon pretty well. What's the name of this specialty shop?"

When Mello answered him, Matt's DS fell out of his hands. "Jeevas Firearms," Mello said. "It's the only weapon shop in Keynsham. It's near the ruins of-"

"Yeah, I know where it is," Matt said quickly. He tried to cover up the fact that he had dropped his DS by instantly turning and heading towards his room. "I'll just grab my keys and get going."

"Matt?"

Matt didn't answer.

"Matt!" Mello snapped. "Stop right there. I _order_ you."

Matt stopped instantly and turned, hands in his pockets, and stared determinedly at the ceiling. "I thought you wanted me to get going."

"I do," Mello said. "But what the hell was that about?" He pointed to the dropped console. He didn't particularly care, but he knew Matt treasured his gaming systems more than just about anything.

Matt shrugged. "I just figured the first mission you gave me was more important."

Mello studied his face for a long time, then nodded, letting him go.

Matt ran from the room.

xXx

Instead of going to his room, Matt fled into the kitchen. It was much closer and he felt safe there. He ignored the servants – his friends – and walked into the pantry. He closed the door and curled up on the floor, not even bothering to turn the light on.

One of the girls knocked on the door. "Matt?" she called. "Are you alright?"

"Not now, Cindy, alright?" he said back, his voice thick. She didn't knock again.

Matt pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, then buried his face in his knees. Mello's unfinished sentence still echoed over and over in his mind.

"It's near the ruins of…" He hadn't finished, but Matt knew what it was. "It's near the ruins of this big old house that burned down over a decade ago."

Matt had never wanted to return to his home town. But he had to. He didn't want to explain why he didn't, and he couldn't ask someone else to go for him, so he had to do it himself. Besides, Mello had asked him to….

Someone new knocked at the door. "Matt?"

"What is it Linda?"

She opened the door a crack. "Are you alright? Cindy came and got me…"

Matt shook his head. It's nothing. I'm fine."

She flicked on the light as she came in and closed the door behind her. "No you're not. Anyone can see that." She knelt down on the floor beside him and gently rested her hands on his knees. She tried to get him to look her in the eyes, but he avoided her gaze at first. "What's wrong Matty?"

Matt sniffed. "Mello wants me to go pick something up for him. A gun or something."

Linda frowned. "And you're upset about that?" She didn't sound convinced.

Matt shook his head. "It's not what I'm getting. It's where I'm getting it _from_."

"Where are you getting it from?" she asked gently. "Mello said the name of it was… Jenkins or something…"

"Jeevas Firearms," Matt corrected her.

"Did something bad happen there?" she asked, obviously missing the problem.

Matt shook his head. "Linda… _my _name is Jeevas."

Linda gasped. "Matt! It's forbidden to tell-"

"Yeah well," he said sarcastically. "Would you have understood otherwise?"

She fell silent. "No," she said at last. "I guess not. Sorry. Just a reflex I guess…But Matt… I thought… all your family were…?"

"They _are_," he said. "I guess the new owner didn't change the name. It had a good reputation. Guess he decided to keep that as well."

She tentatively reached out and stroked his hair. "Matty… does Mello know?"

He shook his head. "He has no idea I'm even from England."

Linda was silent for a few minutes, thinking. "This store… is it near-?"

"Yeah. You have to pass my… my old house to get to it."

She bit her lip. "I… Matty… do you want me to go with you?"

"What?" He sounded shocked.

"Well," she said slowly, "you haven't been there since… since it happened, right?"

"Right," he said, still not entirely sure where she was going with this.

"So I imagine it'll be hard for you, won't it?" When he nodded she continued. "Well then, if… if you have someone with you… won't it make it a little easier than if you had to face it alone?"

He was silent for a minute or two, taking it in. "You… you don't have to do this for me, you know."

She shrugged. "I know. But I want to. I care about you Matty."

"M… Yeah… Matty's good…" He shook his head, feeling stupid for almost telling her his real name.

She looked at him, confused, but didn't ask him to clarify. "So," she said instead, "should we get going then? It kind of a drive, right?"

Matt nodded and stood. "Yeah, it is. It'll probably take more than a day to get there and back. Meaning you're gonna have to stay in whatever crappy lodgings Mello decided to pay for for me."

Linda shrugged. "I don't really mind. I didn't always live in a mansion, you know."

Matt nodded and reached down to help her up. He tugged a little too hard, though, and she stumbled forward into him, pushing him back against the shelves behind him.

"Ngh." He grunted when his back hit the hard wooden racks.

Linda was instantly apologetic. "I'm so sorry! Are you alright?"

He forced on a smile and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just wasn't expecting that, is all." He looked down at her and realized suddenly just how close their faces were to one another. He felt his face go red and then gently disentangled himself from her. "So uh…" he said, feeling awkward, "should we go?"

"Yeah," Linda said quietly, following him out of the pantry. "Let's go…"


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: So, I'm going through something of a rough time right now. This chapter was always meant to be angsty, but now it will probably be more so than I originally intended. I apologize in advance. If not, definitely the next chapter.

Also, there will probably be no update next week due to final exams. I may have time to whip up another chapter, but in all likelihood I will not. I apologize for this as well.

xXx

Matt and Linda didn't talk much on the five hour drive from Wammy's House to Keynsham. Linda tried to make light conversation but gave it up after a while. To be fair, Matt did try. He just wasn't too successful at it.

After a while, Matt turned on his stereo so the awkward silence would go away. He had forgotten it was up full blast and it made Linda jump. He instantly grabbed for the dial and turned it down.

"Sorry," he said when it was quieter. "I forgot about that."

"It's okay," she said quietly. "…Matt?"

"Mm."

He was driving with only one hand at the moment, the other now on the gear shift. Linda tentatively reached over and placed one of her hands over his. She almost expected him to pull away but he didn't.

"It's gonna be okay you know."

Matt didn't answer. She hadn't seen the house yet.

xXx

Matt was determined to deal with the shop first and the house later. He knew when they were passing the ruins but he kept his eyes straight ahead on the road and refused to look. He heard Linda gasp but was grateful she did nothing else. There would be time for that later.

Matt drove the familiar streets almost without thinking. He had never driven them before (never being old enough as a child) but he had been down them so many times that he knew them by heart.

He pulled the car to a sudden stop less than a block away from the store. His hands gripped the steering wheel very tightly and he made no move to get out of the vehicle.

"Matt?" Linda asked tentatively.

"Okay, let's go." He tugged his goggles down more securely over his eyes and got out of the car. Linda scrambled to keep up.

The smell of gunpowder and metal hit them as soon as they opened the door. They walked into the store and saw a middle aged man cleaning a rifle at the counter. He glanced up at the sound of the bell when they walked in. Matt hesitated, watching him.

"Hello," he said pleasantly. "How can I help you today?"

Matt strode over to the counter and pulled the order form from his pocket. He placed it on the counter so the man could read it. "I'm here to pick up an order placed by Alexander Kakoshi," he said smoothly, not even pausing when he gave one of Mello's many aliases.

The man looked it over and nodded. "I'll get it. Should only take a moment." Matt nodded as he disappeared into the back room.

Silence fell as they waited. Matt shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably as Linda watched him.

"Matt?" Linda was staring at a photograph on the wall with wide eyes.

"Not now, Linda," he said, a little to harshly. "…Please," he added more gently.

"But Matt-"

The man came back into the room at that moment, cutting her off. "Here you go." He set a glossy wooden box on the counter. "Everything's in order." He named the price and waited while Matt inspected the box and then its contents. "You know your guns then son?" he asked, watching Matt turn the gun over and over in his hands, feeling its weight and testing its balance. He inspected every inch of the thing with an expert's eye.

"Yeah…" Matt muttered. "I guess you could say that." He placed it carefully back in the box. "It seems fine," he said and started rummaging in his pocket for the envelope with the money inside.

"Hey… don't I know you kid?"

Matt winced. "Uh… no. I don't think so." He pulled out the envelope and pulled out the money.

The man didn't seem convinced. "No, I think I do…Then again, you look like my brother's kid. Oh, what was his name… Course, he'd be much older than you now… Matt, I think his name was."

Matt's hand froze on the counter where he had placed the money. "I'm sorry sir," he said after a few tense moments of silence. "I'm afraid I don't have any family."

The man looked slightly dejected. "Oh. Well… sorry then. I just thought…" He sighed and ran his hand through his slightly disheveled red hair. "Never mind then. I know Matt died. His brother would be about your age now… Mail, his name was… I expect he'd look a lot like you."

Matt scooped up the box, his face set in a mask of indifference. "I'm sorry about your family, Mr. Jeevas. It must have been hard for you to lose them."

He nodded absently. "I shoulda taken the kid in when I had the chance. But I didn't. Don't even know what happened to him. I'm the only family he has left, poor kid."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Well, we should be going. C'mon Linda." Matt turned and walked to the door. Linda went out before him. He went to follow her, but something made him turn back. He pulled his goggles away from his mismatched eyes and smiled - almost smirked, really - at the owner of the store. "By the way… Don't worry me anymore, Uncle Landon," he said firmly. "I'm doing just fine."

He left the store owner that way, staring, dumbstruck, after the nephew he had abandoned so many years before.

xXx

Once they were back in the car, Linda couldn't keep her silence any more. "You didn't tell me your uncle was the new owner."

Matt shook his head. "I didn't know. It was as much a shock for me as it was for you. I barely even remembered his name in time to say it. I didn't know he had been given the option of taking me in. He's the only family I have, like he said. But I don't think he counts. I'm surprised he hasn't gambled the place away. He drinks too much, too. Kind of a dead beat." He said it all casually like he didn't care at all. And, truth be told, he didn't.

"Matt, are you-?"

"I'm fine," he said honestly and rather lightly at that. "That wasn't the hardest part of today." He glanced up at the setting sun. "I don't wanna drive back tonight... I don't think I'll have the energy after… well… just after." He looked down for a moment, fighting back his emotions.

"Matt-"

"Look Linda," he said, gently but firmly, cutting her off, "I don't want your sympathy. Really." He sighed and said, much more quietly, "I'm not the only orphan at Wammy's…"

Linda seemed about to drop it but as Matt started the car and turned it back the way they had come she couldn't seem to contain herself. "That pictures on the wall in the store… I think it was of your family."

Matt said nothing. He barely even reacted.

"There was a boy that looked a lot like you. About the age you are now. And a younger boy… they looked like brothers. Their parents were with them. Their mother was holding a little girl."

Matt's jaw clenched. "Yeah… that was them."

"You miss them… don't you?"

Matt shook his head, more to rid it of memories than to disagree. "They died a long time go."

Linda didn't always know when to shut up, but this time she knew for certain that the subject was closed for now.

xXx

The site of his old home was even more horrible than Matt remembered. The property had never been sold and had therefore never been restored to its former glory. The charred and broken remains of his family's old house still lay before him as it had the day it happened.

He and Linda stood at the gate, looking through the iron bars at the ruins of the once magnificent house. Pieces of Matt's life were literally strewn about the grounds. He gripped one of the cold bars in his hand and rested his forehead lightly against them.

Linda hovered nervously a few feet behind him. Just the sight of the house – if you could even still call it that - made her feel sick.

"They never recovered the bodies," Matt said suddenly. "Did I tell you?"

"…No, you didn't," Linda whispered, horrified.

Matt nodded, still staring ahead of him. "Yeah… they're still in there. All four of them… somewhere beneath all that shit."

"Matt…."

Matt fished in his pocket for a key and unlocked the rusty lock with it. He pushed the heavy gates open easily and they screeched in protest on their hinges as he forced them open.

Matt walked forward slowly but deliberately, counting his steps carefully. Linda followed, not really watching him but rather staring at the house. She didn't notice when he stopped and accidently ran into him. He didn't appear to have noticed.

"This is where I was when I last saw my brother," he said. "I was right here, on this spot… in his car." His eyes were trained on the ground, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. His head was bowed, though if it was out of respect for the dead or simply from grief, Linda had no idea.

Linda reached forward to put her hand on his arm when she noticed he was shaking. She pulled back a fraction of an inch, completely unsure of what to do.

Matt covered his face with his hand and the shaking only got worse. He fell to his hands and knees there in the dirt, unable to stand any longer. He was obviously crying but he was so quiet about it that had she not known what he was doing, Linda might have thought he was having a fit of some sort.

"Oh Matty…" Linda murmured, kneeling beside him and gently stroking his hair. "I'm so sorry…"

Matt shook his head. "I can't even blame myself," he whispered. "I can't blame anyone_. No one_ was at fault here… it was just an accident… There will _never_ be any closure because no one will ever be held responsible…"

Linda carefully wrapped her arms around his trembling shoulders. "I know, Matty," she whispered. "I can't even imagine what you're going through right now."

"I should have died that day too," he said miserably. "I should have been there. Matt wasn't even supposed to be home. He came back unannounced to surprise me." Matt shook his head over and over again, his voice on the verge of cracking. "Everything would be so much better now if he'd never come. It'd be so much better if I had just died."

Linda pulled back from him, shocked. "How can you say that?" she whispered.

Matt shrugged and sniffed, his face turned deliberately away from her.

"Matt…" She put her hand on his cheek and made him turn his head back so he was looking at her. "Don't ever say it would be better if you were dead. No one that knows you would ever think that."

Matt guffawed half-heartedly. "Yeah? And what makes you say that?"

Linda sighed. "Matt, do you really not see the respect people have for you? Everyone in Wammy's _loves_ you. Do you really not see that?"

When he didn't answer she decided to continue, hoping _something_ she said would get through to him.

"I know _my_ life is better because you're in it. Mello's too. You don't know what he was like before you came to the orphanage. He was violent and unstable and… well… he wasn't very nice, Matt. But he's – ironically - mellowed out since you showed up. He doesn't try to kill Near any time he feels like it. They used to get into fights _all the time_. Over anything and _everything_. People would literally _run_ whenever the two of them were in the same room together. All that changed when you came into our lives. Everything is more peaceful… more relaxed. It's just so much… _better_."

Matt turned to look at her now, eyes wider than before. No one had ever told him how bad things had been at Wammy's. The top two students had _always_ been rivals, that much he knew. But he had known nothing of the magnitude of the problem.

"What makes you think _I_ changed things?" he asked, still not entirely sure whether or not to believe her.

"L," she said simply. "L put his faith in you. He believed you would change things. He told me so the only time I've ever spoken to him – the day he offered me the same job you had."

Matt was completely taken aback. "What…?" he breathed, nearly dumbstruck at this new information.

Linda nodded. "He told me he knew you would never beat Mello or Near because you don't apply yourself. You're smart enough but you don't care enough. You care more about other things. But he also said something else. You were like a backseat driver. A… shadow king, or something like that. The black queen in a broken chess set – that one was my favorite. He said that, while you aren't at the top, you are an extremely integral part of the whole. Without you, things would not run smoothly. Without you, things would slip back into chaos. He could see it almost from the day you arrived. _That_ was why he picked you. Not because you were ranked third, but because of the way people treat you and see you. They love you Matt. They trust you without really knowing why and they _love_ you."

Matt had no reply to Linda's speech. He didn't say anything – he couldn't, really. What do you say to that?

Linda turned herself a little to face the house again. "Do you really think it would be better if you were part of that?" She gestured toward the ruins. "Do you _really_ think things would be better if you were dead?"

Matt shrugged. "Maybe. Who knows?"

Linda sighed and gave up the fight. She stood and got Matt to his feet as well. She gently nudged him forward. "Go on Matt," she said gently. "Talk to them. I know you want to."

Matt stumbled forward and nodded when he had caught his balance. He heard her retreating back toward the car and knew she would wait for him there.

Only when he heard the gates close and the car door open and shut did Matt even attempt to walk forward. He shuffled his feet, knowing he had to go forward even though he _really_ didn't want to.

He stood with the toes of his boots barely resting on the ashes of his former life. He stuffed his hands in his pockets again and hung his head slightly.

"Hi mom… dad…" Matt whispered to the silence. "It's me… Mail…" He sighed heavily but silently. "I know I look a little different now…" He pulled his goggles away from his face and let them rest on his head. "I look a lot more like Matt now than I did before…" He had to swallow a couple of times before he was able to continue speaking. "I'm sorry it's been so long since I was here." His voice was barely more than a whisper but he knew it didn't need to be loud for them to hear him. "I should have come sooner… I'm sorry…"

Matt looked around the ruins, a stabbing pain in his heart. "I wanted to find you," he said heavily. "I didn't want to leave you here in this… pile of garbage." He kicked half-heartedly at a piece of rubble. "But I didn't have a choice…"

He paused for a moment before he continued speaking. "…Mischa, I'm sorry. You were never even given the chance to live. Your life was taken from you before you even understood what you had… I would change places with you in a second, you know. But I can't… And I'm sorry for that."

He was silent for a long time before he was able to speak again. "Matt-" He stopped again when his voice broke. He swiped at his eyes and cleared his throat before he tried again. "Matt…" he said, more calmly now. "I'm sorry you came back to see me. I was so happy at the time, but now I… I wish you'd never come. I wish you hadn't died. You were my idol… I loved you more than I loved _anyone_ in the whole _world_. And you died that day because… you loved me too."

After that he fell silent again, not knowing what else he could possibly say. When he finally went to turn away he stopped, something having caught his eye. He turned back and, after a moment's hesitation, stepped into the rubble and walked toward it. He had to push some pieces of wood (probably from the furniture) aside in order to get to the thing that had caught the light.

Matt felt his breath catch in his throat. With a shaking hand he lifted the thing from the remains of the metal box that had shielded it. He cradled it in his hands like it was made of glass. He curled his fingers gently around it and hugged the tiny thing to his chest, a few more tears escaping his eyes now.

"Mother…" he whispered, remembering when he had last seen her holding this. It had been the very last time he had seen her.

Matt more gently wiped his eyes now and slipped the chain around his neck and dropped the end under his shirt, hiding it from view. It was cold against his skin at first but slowly it started to warm from his own body heat. He rested his hand overtop of it, his fingers curling protectively in his shirt. He hadn't thought it would have been able to survive, seeing as little else had. He smiled to himself.

"Thank you," he whispered to no one. "…Thank you for keeping at least this memory alive."

Matt slowly turned back to the car and made his way toward it and Linda. He felt a little more hopeful at the moment, but he knew it wouldn't last long. It would only be a matter of time before the reality of it all would come crashing down on him again. But Matt smiled anyway, taking pleasure in the peace of the moment while it lasted.

xXx

A/N: Yeah I know, wasn't very emo after all. Kinda sad, but whatever. Next chapter will be much worse. Poor Matty! T.T I loves him but I'm so mean to him.

Ah well. Next chapter will be the night after this. Cha. Linda will be there in the hotel with him, mmyes. Fun times. However it may have to wait until a week after next. We'll see ;)

Review please!!!! :D Pretty please!!

:o If I get reviews, maybe I'll update sooner. :P So please review!!!!!

(By the way, thanks to all that did last time I asked. :D I really appreciate it! I'd hug you, but that's impossible over the interwebz. Lawl.)

Sorry. _I'M_ being OOC. Finals mess with my head.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

-Eevil Hero


	19. Chapter 18

A/N: So. Finals are finally over! Yay! :D Christmas is the day after tomorrow and I'm just hanging around the house, so I decided to write another chapter even though I wasn't planning on it. I hope you enjoy it.

Happy holidays everyone! And thanks for reading!

- Eevil Hero

P.S. As a Christmas present to me, think you could maybe review? :o Maybe? …please…?

xXx

It was already dark by the time Matt and Linda left the remains of the Jeevas house, so they decided to room up for the night and head home in the morning. The ride to the nearest (and cheapest) motel was a pointedly silent one.

Matt didn't have a whole lot of money (Mello having only given him enough for a single room and some food), so Matt pooled his room and some of his food money and paid for a rather cheap room with a double bed (since getting two singles would have been more expensive).

When they got to the room, Matt dumped his stuff on the floor and went straight into the bathroom. He closed the door before Linda even had time to react. He switched on the shower, putting the water on cold full blast, then slumped down onto the floor.

The day had drained him so much. He had thought it wouldn't be so hard, but it was. And keeping on a fairly strong mask in front of Linda had only made it harder. He felt so completely devoid of energy that he could hardly even stand.

He leaned back against the wall, eyes closed, and tried to rid his head of all thoughts. He concentrated on the sound of the running water and tried his hardest to think of nothing else.

After over an hour, Linda was getting really worried. She hesitated, then knocked on the door. The sound hardly even reached Matt.

"Matt?" she called tentatively. "Are you alright?"

When she still got no response, Linda slowly opened the door, not really sure what she would find. When she saw Matt sitting on the floor like that, her face fell. There were tear tracks in the dirt on his face, though he hadn't been aware that he'd been crying at all.

"Oh Matt…" she said quietly. She hesitated for a moment, then walked forward and took hold of his arm. "Come on sweetie," she said gently. She tugged on his arm until he stood. He usually stood up very straight but now his shoulders were slumped and his head was down. He leaned on Linda as she lead him back into the main room. She sat him on the bed and went back to turn off the water in the shower. When she came back into the room, Matt was bent over, arms resting on his knees, head hanging down near his hands.

Linda knelt down in front of Matt and looked up at him. "Are you okay?"

Matt didn't respond.

Linda sighed heavily. She reached down and started unbuckling his shoes and gently pulled them off his feet. She gently pulled his goggles over his head and placed then on the bedside table. Then she pulled off his gloves and the vest he sometimes wore. He let her do it without complaint and without moving much at all. She took his phone from his pocket and set it next to his goggles. She had him lie down and headed toward the bathroom to wash her face when she heard Matt's phone ring. She froze when he picked it up.

"Hello?" Matt's voice sounded hollow. "Oh. Hey Mell…. Yeah, I got it. No trouble… Yeah… I'll be back first thing tomorrow. I just got tired, so decided to put off for the night… Yeah… Ok I'll see you tomorrow." He hung up and set the phone down.

She watched him for a moment, then walked back over toward him. She rested her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Matt," she said quietly.

"Yeah," he said hoarsely. "I know."

She was going to leave it at that, but there was something she had to know. "Matt… why didn't you tell him?"

He shook his head. "He didn't need to know."

"But-"

"Linda, I really don't want to talk about it."

She sighed. "Alright…" She turned to go again but he caught her wrist. "…Matt…?"

He didn't speak. He released her and rolled over to face away from her.

Linda deliberated for a moment, then kicked off her shoes and climbed over him to sit in the middle of the bed. She crossed her legs and watched him, a serious expression on her face.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I shouldn't be behaving like this."

Linda smoothed Matt's bangs away from his sweaty forehead. "Sweetie, you're not doing anything wrong."

"I must be," he said quietly. "No matter what I do, nothing ever goes right."

Linda had no idea how to respond to that, so she decided not to say anything at all. Instead, she laid down beside him. He absently put his arms around her though he was staring blindly over her head. She rested her head against his chest.

"Matt, I'm so sorry…"

"Yeah I know."

She looked up at his face. "I wish I could help you," she said quietly.

"Why do you care so much Linda?" he asked dully.

"I told you. I love you Matt." She lifted herself up and kissed his cheek. He looked down at her, eyes wide and slightly shocked.

"Linda, I-"

She didn't want to hear another word. She couldn't stand seeing him this sad and upset. It hurt _her_ too much. So she lifted herself up again and kissed him, but for real this time.

He was frozen for a moment, probably out of surprise, but then he started to react. He kissed her back, which he hadn't thought he would want to do, his arms firmly around her waist, pulling her against him.

Their breathing became deeper, more ragged as the kiss become more heated, but finally Matt pulled away.

"Linda wait," he said gently.

"Hm?" She looked more concerned than upset. "What is it?"

"I don't know," he said slowly. "Something… I don't know… something doesn't feel right."

She smiled at him. "It's alright. I understand." She pulled back from him a little. "You've had a hard day. I didn't mean to spring this on you."

He shook his head. "You didn't. It's alright. Really."

She nodded and didn't say anything else. Instead, she rolled over to face away from him but was careful not to break his hold on her. She snuggled back against him and closed her eyes. She was tired now and felt like going to sleep.

Matt pulled a blanket over them both, glad to have her company while he slept. It would make the nightmare stay away for at least one night. Well, probably anyway. He clicked off the light, sighed and started to relax.

"Hey Linda?" he said after a few moments.

"Mm?"

"That was my first kiss you know."

"Yeah I know," she said quietly. "It was mine too."

"Yeah," he said back. "I know."

When they fell asleep that night, both of them were smiling.

xXx

A/N: Merry Almost Christmas!! Haha. Yeah. Sorry it's not Mello/Matt. I know people like that much better for the most part. But we're not quite there yet. :P Besides, I thought this was cute.

Part of me was always rooting for Linda, but I knew she'd never win. Especially in one of my stories haha. I love Mello and Matt WAAAAAAAY too much. XD

Happy Holidays everyone! And thanks again for reading!!

-hearts-

Eevil Hero


	20. Chapter 19

A/N: So…. I made a liar out of myself. Sorry guys! I meant to work on this way sooner, but things kept getting in the way. I'm tentatively gonna say that I stick to a Thursday updates schedule… I don't know. I'm working on writing two legitimate books right now (it was one until a couple hours ago XD oh me) so it's hard to do that, school, have a life, and get some SLEEP in addition to this. Or rather do this in addition to all that. Haha. I'm gonna try, but be patient with me, ok? I'm a really busy and (at the moment… well, perpetually, really) exhausted college student. Gimme a break, ok? I'll do the best I can. Sometimes I get caught up in other things and forget about this story, which is what happened this time. So if you don't hear from me in a week or two, remind me about it ok? It really does help me. :D

Sorry. LOOOOOOONG explanation. Now on to story awesomeness. You know. The reason you CAME to the website.

Enjoy!

xXx

When Linda woke up the next morning, it was to find Matt already awake, dressed, and preparing to leave. He had packed everything back into his bag and had apparently gone out to get some food. He had a breakfast sandwich sitting on a napkin for her on the bedside table, his own apparently already eaten.

She sat up and watched him tying his shoes. "What time is it?" she asked rather sleepily.

"Around 5," he responded. His voice was calm, composed. He had gone back to the Matt she was used to, not the emotional train wreck he had become the night before. While things had seemed peaceful when they went to bed, Linda had woken more than once to the sound of Matt crying and calling out in his sleep. He'd never woken so probably wasn't aware of what he'd done, and she didn't feel the need to tell him.

"I take it you want to get going?" she asked when he stood.

"Yeah," he replied, nodding to emphasize his point. "Mello's expecting me. And it won't be long before you're missed either." He gestured to the food he'd left out for her. "That's for you. It's not as warm as when I first got it, but it'll have to do. Do you mind eating it in the car?"

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, still watching him closely for signs of weariness or sadness, neither of which she saw. "You really _are_ in a hurry, huh?"

Matt shrugged. "I'd like to get back soon if that's what you mean. And I see no reason to stay. This place is kind of a dump." He offered a lopsided smile.

Linda sighed and shook her head. "You never change, Matt," she said quietly. Then she stood and grabbed her things, then followed him out the door.

The drive back to Wammy's was a relatively quiet one. It was peaceful this time though, rather than tense.

Linda and Matt seemed to have reached a silent agreement not to talk about their little "moment" the night before. It simplified things a lot and still left room for possibilities. Linda was tempted to ask him about it but knew he had enough on his mind for the time being and decided to let it alone.

When they finally got back to the orphanage, Matt parked the car and immediately headed inside. "I have to go give this to Mello, ok? So I'll see you later." He flashed his signature grin her way then jogged up the lawn and the front steps until he disappeared inside. It was a rather long time before Linda got out of the car.

xXx

"Mello!" Matt called when he reached the general area of the hallway where his "master's" room was located. "Are you up here?"

Mello stuck his head out of his bedroom door and smiled when he saw Matt, though it looked a little like a smirk. "Welcome back. Did you get it."

Matt pulled the box out of his bag when he got up to Mello and showed it to him. "Yep. No problems. It's in really good condition, too. This guy Jeevas really knows his stuff."

Mello grinned. "Yeah, I know. I did some research. Apparently the whole family was good with guns and stuff. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah. Sounds awesome." If Mello noticed that Matt's smile was suddenly very strained he didn't say a word.

"Hey… Mello…?" Matt finally asked, interrupting Mello's close examination of the shiny new weapon.

"What is it?" Mello replied placidly, still eyeing the gun.

"What do you need that thing for anyway?"

The tone in Matt's voice made Mello look up at him. "What do you mean?"

Matt scratched at his ear uncomfortably. "Well, I mean…" he muttered. "What else do you use guns for but to kill people with?" He paused for a moment. "Are you… planning to kill someone, Mell?"

Mello's face turned very serious and he carefully returned the beautiful weapon to its case. He closed it and tucked it under his arm. "With lives and futures like ours… well… you never know, Matt." He sounded almost sad as he said it.

"You don't have to accept that future if you don't want it," Matt said quietly.

Mello couldn't meet his eyes. "Yes I do."

Matt wanted to know if Mello meant that he had to take that life or if he simply wanted it, but he was too much of a coward to ask. He said nothing and the conversation ended, leaving both of them with an odd feeling in the pits of their stomachs.

xXx

A/N: Sorry. This was really short and not much happened. I'm just VERY tired today and VERY VERY hungry, so I really don't feel like making anything else happen. That delays this whole eating and sleeping thing. XD haha. I'll figure something more interesting out to happen soon.

The story isn't actually that much longer, believe it or not. I have… lesse… maybe 6 more chapters that I have planned, though more crop up unexpectedly. Something along those lines.

Oh! So a couple weeks ago someone asked me to read over a story of his and it's really pretty good. If any of you are Kingdom Hearts fans, check it out. It's called "Illumination" by photo88. :D Yay shameless advertising! Haha.

Anyway. That's all from the me for now. I'll update again ASAP… hopefully… v.v;;


	21. Chapter 20

A/N: Woo! Another chapter! Sorry guys. I'm so awful at updating. I'm trying though. My school work is just picking up at a riciculous rate and I'm getting less sleep than usual lately. I'll keep trying though.

Please review! It helps the process go faster. :D

Thanks for reading!

- Eevil Hero

xXx

Mello's words didn't sit well with Matt at all. He tossed and turned in his sleep over them for days on end.

_"With lives and future like ours… well… you never know, Matt…"_

Finally, Matt just couldn't take it anymore.

It was four in the morning but he didn't care. He got up and walked out of his bedroom, not even bothering to put on his glasses. He knew the way blind.

He walked the few steps down the hall to Mello's room and walked in without bothering to knock. He knew Mello would probably still be awake studying anyway.

Matt had been right. The light was on and Mello was hunched over some book or another. He looked up when Matt come in, a little shocked. It was unlike the red head to be up so late or to come in without knocking.

"Matt, what's wrong?" Mello asked, setting his pencil down.

Matt closed the door behind him a little more sharply than he meant to. Mello jumped but Matt ignored that.

"I don't like what you said the other day," Matt snapped.

"What are you talking about? What did I say?"

"That thing about our futures. When I gave you the gun from my Uncle's store."

"Your… uncle? …What?!"

"Forget about that!" Matt snapped. He didn't even care that he'd just given himself away without even meaning to. "Why the _hell_ would you need a gun to be a detective? One like L?! WHY?!"

Mello sighed and pushed his chair back from his desk. "Matt…" he said quietly, "you know as well as I do that I'm not going to be chosen as L's heir. It's going to be Near, I just know it." Matt felt like someone had punched him in the gut when Mello said that. "I kill myself every day, trying to beat him… but I can't, Matt. So what else is there? I don't have a lot of choices… This is the only other way I know."

Matt was shaking his head over and over as Mello spoke. "No! That's not good enough!"

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Mello snapped, finally starting to lose his patience with Matt.

"Me?!" Matt yelled back. "Are you _kidding?!_ You're talking about dying trying to be something you're not! So _what_ if you're not L? You don't know what will happen!"

"I never said I'd stop trying, Matt. I just think one day I might have to do things my own way."

"So it's _okay_ if you die in the process?"

Mello finally stood and took a rather cautious step forward. "Matt, I-"

"It's Mail," he snapped.

"…What?"

Matt felt himself blushing a little bit, but his face stayed firm. "My name isn't Matt. It's Mail… Mail Jeevas." His voice had become less fierce by the end.

Mello didn't seem to know what to say. "…Why…did you tell me that?" he asked weakly.

"If… if you're determined to die… I…" Matt looked down even though he couldn't see Mello anyway. "I wanted you to know…"

"Well yeah but… why…?"

Matt bit the inside of his cheek very hard.

He heard Mello coming closer to him. Slowly but he was moving forward nonetheless. "Matt?" When he got no response, he tried again. "…Mail?"

Matt had to look up then despite the fact that Mello would see the tears in his eyes.

Matt opened his mouth to speak but he had to try a couple of times before he could finally get the words out. When he finally did, it was a rather hoarse whisper. "Because I… well I…" He swallowed again. "Because I love you, ok?"

Mello stopped moving for a moment, then seemed to fall back a step. He seemed completely at a loss for words.

Matt nearly started crying then. He knew rejection when he heard it. Or rather when he didn't. He turned to go. "Well… I just thought… you know… that you should know." He started to leave, but was stopped in his tracks when Mello grabbed his arm.

"Mail, wait."

"What?" he asked quietly.

"When did you… decide… that you… that you _love_ me?"

Matt swallowed again. "When Linda… kissed me. It felt…wrong. And when I thought about it, I realized that was why." He was hesitant to ask his next question, but thought it needed to be said. "Does that disgust you?"

The silence seemed to go on forever, but only a second or two actually passed.

"…No," Mello finally said. "No, it doesn't."

Matt was shocked to say the least, but not unhappy about this.

They stood that way for a long time, Matt headed for the door and Mello's firm grip holding him back.

Then, something happened that Matt didn't expect at all. Mello turned him around and closed the distance between them very quickly. Before Matt even know what was happening, Mello had his arms around him very tightly. The blonde's face was hidden somewhere in Matt's chest. Matt was stunned for a moment, then returned the tight embrace, his cheek just barely nuzzling Mello's hair.

The hug ended far too quickly for Matt's taste, but he didn't try to stop Mello from pulling away.

They looked at each other for a moment, then Matt turned to go again. "I should go back to bed. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow."

"Alright… Goodnight Mail."

"Goodnight Mello."

"Mihael," Mello said quickly.

Matt looked back at him, stunned. "Huh?"

"It's my name… Mihael Keehl… it's uh… It's Russian…" He seemed a little embarrassed by this fact.

Matt smiled a little and shook his head. "I like it," he assured the other. Then he nodded. "Goodnight then… Mihael."

When Matt went back to his room and tried to sleep again, he found he had no trouble sleeping at all.


	22. Chapter 21

A/N: I am not a happy kid right now. My cosplay partner, very best friend, and my Mello and I are no longer speaking, nor are we friends. It's been a really rough past 2 weeks. I'm doing my best here, but this update will probably be overly emo. Deal with it.

My friends keep hurting and excluding me, so this time Matt and I are kinda in the same boat.

Thanks for reading! Please review if you have the time. Much appreciated!

- Eevil Hero

xXx

Matt woke up the next morning feeling like a complete and total idiot. He sat up, cursing in several languages and hid his face in his hands.

He groaned. "Damn it! _Why_ did I _do_ that?!" He shook his head in disgust. "He probably thinks I'm a freak." He threw himself back onto his bed in frustration. "He's gonna treat me like I have the plague or something… not that I can really blame him…"

But Matt was wrong. Mello didn't treat him any differently than he ever had before. Mind, he wasn't very friendly, but he never really had been. He treated Matt just as he had the day before and the day before that and so on.

In fact, Matt started noticing, in stead of acting more strangely toward Matt, Mello seemed to be completely neutral toward him. Almost… _formal. _Matt didn't like that. And he couldn't really talk to anyone about it just in case he was overreacting. Linda was the only person he trusted with this kind of thing but she wasn't talking to him either.

Matt felt isolated. His best friend and the man he was in love with were both more or less ignoring him. The other children still talked to him, but it wasn't the same.

With no other options, he turned to his very last resort.

"….Hey Near."

"Hello Matt."

Matt tried to hide his hesitation as he sat on the ground beside Near. "What'cha got there?"

"Sugar cubes," Near said, as emotionless as ever.

"That's uh… a big tower you're making out of um…"

Near glanced at him for the first time, then went back to concentrating on his task without another word.

Matt watched him for a moment, deliberating, then sighed.

"Go ahead and talk."

Matt looked up, slightly surprised. "Huh?"

"Talk," Near said again, still meticuliously stacking sugar cubes. "I know that's why you came to me. Neither Mello nor Linda are speaking to you right now and you feel the strange compulsive need to let it out in the form of verbal communication. However you don't get the fulfillment you need out of the other children that are not on your intellectual level, so you came to me."

Matt fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Gee Near, thanks for being so understanding."

"You're welcome," the white-hairs boy replied, either not noticing Matt's sarcastic tone or choosing to ignore it. "Now speak."

Matt sighed again. "Well… here's the thing. Linda's in love with me. But… I'm kinda… in love with Mello. Which I'm sure you know cause it's you." He shook his head at himself. "But in any case, I told Mello one night a couple weeks ago because I was upset, and ever since he's gotten very distant with me. I think he's mad at me."

"Why would you make that assumption?"

A frown line formed between Matt's eyebrows. "Because he's not talking to me…?"

"And you're sure it's because he is angry with you?"

"Well yeah, I would assume so…"

Near didn't so much as blink. "If I were you, I would reevaluate your rather flawed reasoning."

"Why do you say that?" Something clicked in the back of Matt's mind. "Oh… he's talked to you about this too, hasn't he?"

"He has," Near said simply. "What of it?"

Matt bit the inside of his cheek, fighting back the impulse to ask what Mello had said. "Well… I mean… I dunno… I'm just kinda…"

"Surprised? You shouldn't be. Mello and I may be rivals, but we get along quite well most of the time now."

"Now…" Matt repeated the word contemplatively. "Linda said something about that… about how you guys were before…"

"Before you came to Wammy's House, yes. Do I need to finish _all_ your sentences for you?"

Matt frowned again. "Don't be difficult. I'm having a hard time."

"I apologize." His tone didn't change in the slightest.

"Linda said you guys used to… duke it out or something every time you saw each other."

Near nodded minutely. "Indeed we did. But that was before your arrival here."

"Why did that make such a big difference?"

Near shrugged one shoulder a little. "I'm not really sure. Figuring it out requires more thought than it is worth giving. Consider it a useful side effect of your personality."

Matt smiled. "I never thought I'd hear you saying something like that."

The corner of Near's mouth twitched in an obvious attempt to fight a smile. "Apparently you're not the only one that can surprise people."

"No, I guess not." Matt grinned but it faded a little. "So Near… if he's not mad at me… why is he avoiding me?"

"Think about it for a moment Matt. His best friend just confessed that he is not only a homosexual but that he is also in love with his best friend. Meaning the first party. He's a little unsure of how to proceed. In case you haven't noticed, you are the only one of the top five children here with any semblance of people skills. We can work off of you quite nicely, but on our own we don't generally seem to be able to manage it."

Matt's face betrayed his shock. "Oh… I didn't know that."

"I did not expect that you would. How would you be aware of something when it only occurs when you are not present? The chances of that are slim to none."

Matt shook his head. "Ok, that's all fine and good, but Near, please. Help me out here. How do I get him to talk to me?"

"You're probably going to have to wait for him to come to you, as much as that may annoy you."

Matt groaned and threw himself back onto the floor, his arms spread wide in defeat. "I hate my life," he muttered darkly.

"No you do not," Near replied calmly. "You merely dislike the situation at hand."

"No… I'm pretty sure I just hate my life."

Near's sigh was barely audible.

"What about Linda?" Matt asked after a few minutes.

"What about her?"

"How do I get _her_ to talk to me?"

"I doubt you can," Near said simply. "She's hurt and, for some illogical reason, feels betrayed. She may be fourth in line, but her intellect is far inferior to ours. She does not think rationally or logically. I would forget about her if I were you."

Matt said nothing and instead continued to stare at the ceiling.

"There is no need for you to be upset Matt. It will pass if you give it time."

"That's easy for _you_ to say Near. You have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. I'm actually _human._"

Near smiled just a little. "Perhaps…But as I said. You're not the only one that can surprise people."

xXx

Matt found that he had a very hard time sleeping. He was almost always tired but never really wanted to sleep. He was hungry but never felt like eating. He ate anyway, but he got no pleasure out of it. He didn't even feel like playing video games. All he did was read for a while, but then he picked up a new hobby.

One day, Matt was wandering the halls of the orphanage, not knowing what to think or do, just trying to keep his mind blank when he passed the open door to Roger's office. He glanced in but there was no one inside. That was very unusual.

Matt looked inside again, but saw no one. He walked in and there was still no sign of Roger. But his computer was on, so he must have been there recently…

Matt couldn't help his curiosity. He walked in and looked at the screen on the computer, which was the only source of light in the room. He hesitated, looked around again, then sat in Roger's desk chair.

He tried to get the computer off its screensaver mode, but it asked for a password. He almost walked away, but then he remembered something.

He had read recently about the basics of hacking computers. And he also remembered someone once telling him that the best way to learn something was to apply it.

Matt smiled to himself, then started typing.

The first password was a cinch. The second two took a little longer, but it wasn't too difficult.

Once he was in Roger's computer, Matt started opening files, exploring his way through the heart of his caretaker's secret database.

He stopped when he saw a file with a title he didn't like.

_Mail Jeevas._

Matt frowned and clicked open the folder.

Inside was a complete personality analysis of him, his personal history, and even a recent photograph that he didn't remember anyone taking. His frown deepened. Photographs of the orphans was strictly forbidden. So why was there one of him…?

He closed his file for the time being, determining that he would come back to it later, and looked through the other files until he found another name he recognized. _Mihael Keehl._

Mello's photograph was also there.

Matt started opening file after file like a madman, scanning each and every one.

Why did every child have a photograph in their files when they had always been told they were so dangerous?

One after another, faces he recognized. He didn't try to memorize their real names, though he would one day. But two he couldn't keep from sticking in his mind.

_Nate River. _That was Near.

_Lydia Pavlosky. _And that was Linda.

His friends. Those he cared about. Everything about their lives was laid out neatly in Roger's computer, accessible even by an amateur hacker…? How did _that_ make sense?

Matt sat back in the chair, his own face and those of Mello, Near, and Linda staring back at him. He let himself get lost in thought for a few moments longer, than realized something. He'd been there for nearly ten minutes now and someone was bound to either come looking for him or for Roger.

He quickly logged out of the computer and set the screensaver back up. He turned the chair so it was exactly where it had been when he had arrived and left silently.

There was nothing he could think to do for the moment. But he wouldn't let this go. He'd figure something out.

Matt sighed to himself, wishing he had never gone in to Roger's office. While trying to get things _off_ his mind, he had somehow managed to get even more _on_ it.


	23. Chapter 22

A/N: Sorry it's been forever since I last updated. College is a bitch sometimes. Especially when people start drama over nothing. Literally nothing.

Anyway. Won't get in to that now. I may update a couple times today. Not doing so well today and no one will answer my calls, so I'm doing this to distract myself.

xXx

Near had been right even though Matt kept hoping he wouldn't be. He kept hoping just his mere presence would make Mello want to talk but it seemed that Mello really just needed time.

When Mello finally approached him, it wasn't at a time when Matt would have expected it. Or in the way he expected it either.

He was lying on his back on the couch in one of the many parlors in the mansion. He had a book in his hands and was holding it over his head, reading it. He was so absorbed in it that he didn't even hear Mello's approach.

"Matt, there's something I need to say to you."

Matt looked up, startled. "Mello!" He sat up very quickly and his book fell out of his hands and onto the floor. He fumbled with it for a moment, flustered, then finally picked it up and sat it down beside himself on the couch. "H-hey," he stammered.

Mello looked calmly at the place at the wall above Matt's head. "I wanted to apologize to you."

"You… you did?"

Mello nodded curtly. "Yes. I didn't know Jeevas Firearms was owned by your uncle. It must have been hard for you to go there and see your family's house. I'm sorry I made you go through that."

Mello's voice was sincere, but his face was impassive and downright stony.

"Oh… is… is that it?" Matt asked weakly.

"Yes."

"Oh…" Matt looked down at his hands sitting limply in his lap. "Alright," he said quietly. "Apology accepted…" He stood and walked past Mello. "See you later." He felt sick and wanted to run before Mello saw him throw up.

"Matt wait."

Matt turned back, hopeful.

"For forgot your book." Mello held it out to him.

Matt glanced at it, then at Mello's face but he couldn't look for long and had to turn away. "Forget it," he said weakly. "I don't want it."

As soon as he was out of sight, Matt ran.

xXx

Matt didn't run to anyone or anywhere he knew. He left the mansion and just kept running, off the grounds, off the streets he knew and didn't stop. He kept going until he was out of breath completely.

He threw himself down in the grass of a park he'd never seen before. There was no one else there, probably because of the cold weather they'd been having lately. His breath rose in clouds above him but he barely even noticed the shivers running down his spine.

He stayed still until he caught his breath, but then the floods came.

Matt didn't realize he was crying until he noticed that he was having a hard time breathing again. When he finally saw it, he rolled over onto his side and curled up into himself, sobbing.

He was miserable and freezing but he couldn't bring himself to move. He just wanted to disappear.

He stayed there so long that, despite the cold, Matt cried himself to sleep.

xXx

When Matt next came into consciousness, it was to find that it was dark and his phone was vibrating in his pocket. He could hear it ringing but only barely. He tried to reach for it but his hands were so numb that he found he couldn't do it.

He raised his hands and started blowing warm air onto them. He got enough feeling back in them that he could wrap his fingers around his phone. It kept ringing and ringing. When it stopped it would start up again immediately afterwards.

Matt answered his phone and held it up to his ear. "Hello?" he said gruffly.

"Where are you?"

"Near…?"

"You've been gone for hours, Matt. Where are you?"

"…I don't know." Matt forced himself to stand and moved to sit on one of the nearly frozen benches. He hunched over, trying to keep his body heat closer to his heart. "I just… started walking and… I don't know where I am… some park somewhere…"

"Talk to me. What do you see?"

"Uh…" Matt started shivering and his voice wavered. "I'm… on a b-bench and there's trees and stuff…"

"Just keep talking Matt. I'm trying to triangulate your signal. Tell me what you see."

"Oh… u-um…" Matt fought to concentrate. "Swings…a c-couple slides… th-three trash bins… twenty…five cigarette butts by th-this bench…"

"Keep talking."

Matt tried to focus. He really did. But it wasn't working. "I'm c-cold, Near."

"I know Matt. Just stay with me. Keep talking."

"I… I…" He fell silent, his breathing shallow and wavering.

"Matt? Come on Matt, answer me."

But Matt couldn't answer. He was no longer holding the phone. It had fallen from his hand before he hit the ground.

xXx

When Matt came to again, he was warmer than he had been. And he wasn't lying on the ground anymore. He glanced around and found that he was in the infirmary at Wammy's.

"You're awake now, are you?"

Matt turned his head and found Near crouched on a chair by his bedside. His heart sank a little at the sight of the little boy. It wasn't that he was sad to see him. In fact he was grateful that Near had cared enough to come. But he couldn't deny that he'd been hoping to see more than just Near.

Matt sighed heavily. "Yeah." He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed and put his feet on the floor. He started fumbling around with his shoes and tied them on tightly.

"That was reckless of you, you know," Near told him calmly.

Matt nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"You know how cold it gets at night. You could have frozen to death."

"I'm fine," Matt muttered.

"Yes, I can see that."

Matt glanced up, a little surprised. "Was that…sarcasm…?"

Near rolled his eyes and handed Matt something small. "Here. Take this."

Matt glanced at it. "Why are you giving this to me?"

"I figure you're going to need it. I take it you don't plan on staying here right now."

Matt sighed. "…No. I'm not."

"They were worried you know."

Matt shook his head. "You don't have to lie to make me feel better."

Near shrugged. "I wasn't. I don't lie."

Matt stood and grabbed his goggles from the bedside table. He slipped them over his ears and watched the world and the white blob that had been Near slide into focus. "If they were really worried, they would have come to see me. That's what friends do. They don't claim they care only to let you down. Those aren't real friends. Those are imposters. And I don't need them." He shook his head and walked out without another word.

Near turned, his face as impassive as ever, and watched him go.


	24. Chapter 23

A/N: This is loosely based off of something that happened to me not that long ago. Maybe two or three months now. I just got picked up before I went as far as Matt does.

xXx

Matt didn't even look back. He got on his motorcycle and just went. He had no idea where he was going or how long it would take to get there, but he knew he had to go. He didn't have anything with him but his cell phone, keys, and the money Near had given him in addition to a portion of his own.

He didn't feel like wearing a helmet, so he didn't. The frigid wind hit his face hard, almost like it was slapping him, but he didn't care. He barely even noticed.

He had been driving for nearly two hours when he realized something. He pulled off to the side of the road and took out his phone. Near was not likely to say anything to anyone about his sudden departure and he was sure that no one had seen him leave. He knew that he needed to tell someone of his departure… but who? He toyed with his phone as he thought, unconsciously flipping it open and shut.

Mello immediately came to mind, but with that thought came some of the pain Matt had been pushing back for weeks. He shook his head and tried to push all thoughts of Mello away again.

….Would Linda even look at a message from him? Probably not but… she was really his only other option. Except….

Matt flipped open his phone again and opened his address book. He started scrolling through his relatively short list of contacts until he found the one he was looking for.

_I left home. I don't know where I'm going or how long it'll take to get there. I wouldn't normally have said anything to you, but I needed someone to know and there really wasn't anyone else for me to tell. I'll be fine… I just wanted to let someone know where I am in case I don't come home tomorrow._

He hesitated for a moment, reading over the message again and then he hit send. He breathed easier again when the message flashed across his screen saying his message had been sent. It was done and now he could go.

xXx

He rode all through the night and didn't stop despite how tired he was. The more exhausted the better. It meant he had to work harder on staying upright and awake in his driving. It kept all his thoughts away from the things he didn't want to be thinking about.

He finally got to a small city that he thought seemed quiet enough. He shut off the engine of his bike and coasted until he reached a really big hill overlooking the whole place. He considered for a moment staying there, but it was too cold. He continued on down to the city and looked for a hotel.

He found one and put up for the night but really didn't feel like sleeping. He flopped down onto the bed, arms spread wide, and stared at the ceiling. He hadn't even brought any games with him to play.

He lay there for a while, trying not to think of anything at all. But then he remembered something he had forgotten to take care of.

He got up and turned on the computer sitting at the desk of his room. He flipped it on, waited for it to load, and then got to work.

It wasn't hard to hack into Roger's computer, even from where he was, because of all the information he had previously pulled from it. It took him only a few seconds now to hack through the firewalls and passwords and get to the files he wanted.

He had spent the past few weeks memorizing the files of every child in Wammy's. Now it was time to protect them.

One by one, Matt deleted the files, making sure they were impossible to recover. He did each part individually, just as an extra precaution. Doing it en masse would leave room for mistakes.

After a couple of hours, he was done. He smiled and sat back in his chair, feeling pleased with himself. His friends were saved… at least as far as their personal information was concerned. He had looked through the other computers in the mansion and Roger's was the only one with those files. They were now gone forever unless Roger had backed them up somewhere, but Matt really doubted it. With all that protection on them, Matt doubted Roger would even consider the possibility of something happening to them.

That finished, he got up and took a shower. He let the hot water run over his skin and he closed his eyes, letting the warmth comfort and relax him.

He spent over an hour in the shower, thinking things over.

"Maybe… maybe I shouldn't go back," he said to himself. "It's not like anyone would miss me… right? I mean… I've done everything I can for them I think… so why not go make a life for myself?"

But even as he said it, Matt knew he probably wouldn't be able to go through with it. He thought back on everyone at Wammy's and felt sad at the thought of leaving them forever.

He shook his head and shut off the water. He dried off, pulled his jeans back on and climbed in to bed. He sighed to himself and shut off the light.

Maybe running away this time wouldn't be as easy as he had thought.

xXx

The next morning, Matt awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. He sighed and reached blindly for it. Finding it, he flipped it open and held it to his ear without looking at the name.

"Yeah?" he said into it.

An explosion occurred in his phone, he was almost sure of it. He jumped and dropped the phone. He fumbled blindly for it, all the while listening to Mello screaming at him from a distance.

"MELL!" he yelled into the microphone when he finally found it again. "SHUT UP!"

Silence.

Matt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He held it in for a moment, then let it out slowly through his nose. "Is there something you need?" he asked calmly, "or do you just want to scream at me?"

He could hear Mello growl slightly in the back of his throat. "Where are you?" he demanded.

Matt shrugged, then remembered Mello couldn't see that. "Don't know," he said calmly. "Don't care."

Mello growled again. "Listen, you stupid bastard, you can't just-"

"I can't _what,_ Mello?" he snapped, interrupting him for once. "I can't be upset that I could have _died_ and my two best friends don't even come to make sure I'm ok? I can't be upset that I ran away _because of them_ and they _didn't fucking care_? Am I supposed to be okay with that Mello? Am I? Do you think I'm being unreasonable, cause I sure as hell don't. So the next time you want to get indignant over my leaving, don't be a son of a bitch to me. You don't get to treat me like shit, you got that? Cause I ain't standin' for it. It ain't right and you know it. So get the hell off your high horse and either start caring about me or shut the _fuck_ up about it." He snapped the phone shut then, ending the conversation before Mello could even respond.

Matt shook his head, positively fuming, and got out of bed. He picked his shirt up off the floor and took it to the bathroom to wash it. Before he could even start however, there was a soft knock on the door.

Matt looked up, confused. He sighed, turned off the water, and went to answer it, grabbing his glasses on the way and shoving them on to his nose. He opened the door and took a shocked step back.

"Wh…what are you doing here?" he asked, shocked.

Mello put his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground. "Coming to get you, idiot. What's it look like?" His face was red but he was trying to hide it.

Matt's initial shock wore off and his anger started to return. "So Near had the bills he gave me tracked, huh?"

Mello nodded.

"Well that was nice to him." Matt rolled his eyes. "But look. You're wasting your time. I'm not going anywhere with you." He tried to shut the door in the shorter boy's face, but Mello raised his hand quickly enough that he pushed it back, keeping it open.

"Matt, wait."

Matt raised an eyebrow and waited, arms folded across his chest.

Mello looked at him for a moment, then sighed. "Alright fine. I admit it. I was an ass, ok? I just… don't know how to… to…"

"To what?" Matt demanded.

"To be nice, ok?" Mello finally blurted out. "Especially to my friends… Never had many as a kid…"

Matt sighed. "Yeah obviously…" He felt his anger fading away. "Look, Mell. I appreciate you coming here, but I left for a reason. Things aren't ok for me at home. So I left. And I don't want to come back yet."

"Why not?" Mello demanded. He sounded almost hurt.

Matt raised his eyebrow again. "Are you kidding?" he said incredulously. "Did you miss the part where you and Linda have been actin' like I have the plague or sommat?" He shook his head. "Forget it," he said sadly. "I know you don't care. Now if you don't mind I-" He turned to go, but Mello caught his hand.

"Matt, please," Mello whispered. "Come home…"

Matt pulled his hand away and turned his back on Mello. "Why should I? No one would miss me anyway." He walked toward the window on the other side of the room.

He heard Mello walk inside after him and close the door. "What the hell…?" he asked quietly.

"Forget it. It doesn't matter."

"But-"

"I said forget it!" Matt snapped, glaring at Mello over his shoulder. "You weren't s'posed to come here." He sighed and shook his head. "I think you need to go," he said.

"But-"

"_Now!"_

Mello didn't move. Matt rounded on him. "What do you _want_ from me Mell?" he yelled in frustration. "I can't be your friend, your lover, or even your subordinate apparently! So what the _fuck_ do you _want?!"_

Mello looked into Matt's eyes very calmly. "…I don't know," he said quietly. "I don't know who I want you to be… I just know I want you home."

Matt sunk down on to the floor, his back against the wall. In that moment, he wanted very much to tell Mello everything he'd been hiding… about himself, about L, about Mello never being heir because of him… and so many other things. But he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Matt, please… Just come home. I'll be better… I promise I'll try. It just… isn't the same without you."

"I was only gone for a day," he said quietly.

"I know."

Matt looked up at Mello's serious face and thought it over for a long, long time. Finally, he stood, gathered his things, and followed Mello out.

xXx

A/N: Slow updates. Finals start next week. I haven't slept in 4 days… so tired… need to sleep now. So effing tired…

The chapter wasn't how I planned. But whatever.

Lots to happen next chapter. Should be fun and filled with angsty and emotional goodness.

Plot will pick up soon.

Believe it or not, there isn't much left.

Please review. It's what made me update this time.

Night all!

- Eevil hero


	25. Chapter 24

A/N: Um…. Can I just say that I both love and hate this chapter already? So much emotional garbage involved… but so much fun at the same time. I've been waiting for this chapter for a while. Mwa haha. :3

xXx

No one mentioned Matt's disappearance when they got back. He doubted many people had even noticed he had gone. He was wrong, but he didn't know that.

He walked past Near on the way to his room. "Shoulda known you'd mark those bills," he muttered as he passed the little white-haired kid. "Jus wasn't thinkin' I guess."

Near said nothing. He just toyed absently with the Gundam in his hands and let Matt and Mello pass him.

Matt had intended to go to his room alone, but Mello seemed to have other ideas.

Mello waited until Matt was about to disappear in to his room before he spoke. "Matt, wait."

Matt turned back to look at him. "What is it?" he asked tiredly.

"Can… can I come in for a bit?" Mello asked tentatively. "I wanna talk to you."

Matt sighed knowing he wouldn't be getting any sleep for a while but nodded all the same. "Alright." He stood aside to let Mello past him, then followed the blond in. He closed the door behind him.

"What's up Mell?" Matt asked. He sat down in his desk chair and watched the blond pace around the room.

"I don't really know," Mello said. "I just get a really bad feeling about stuff."

Matt frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well… remember the Kira case?"

"…Yeah? The one L's working on now. What about it?"

Mello bit his lip and sunk down on to Matt's bed. "I dunno… I just get the feeling something really bad's gonna happen."

"To who?"

Mello looked up at him. "Ultimately…? The whole world."

Matt hadn't been expecting their conversation to turn in this direction. He shrugged and tried to pretend he didn't know anything. Tried to pretend that L had almost promised him that this would be the last case he would live through. "I'm sure L can handle it. He's the world's greatest detective!"

Mello shook his head. "But what if this is … I don't know. _Bigger_ than him, you know? I mean… he's human. Even he has limits."

Matt turned around to face his computer and woke it up from hibernation. "I think you're getting nervous over nothing," he said confidently.

Mello sighed. "Yeah probably. I just get nervous when cases take this long. I mean… it's been over a year now, right?"

Matt shrugged. "I wouldn't really know," he lied.

"Yeah… forgot who I was talking to." Mello laughed and flopped back on to Matt's bed. "Hey Matt?" he said after a moment.

"Hm?"

"What are you gonna do when they make you leave here?"

Matt was silent for a moment. "I… hadn't really thought about it." That much was true at least. "What about you?"

"Dunno," Mello said. "Maybe get in to mercenary work? Seems interesting enough. Well, assuming I don't get named heir."

"Think you will?" Matt tried not to sound nervous.

"Maybe… I don't know though. It's a possibility, but not one I can plan on. Just in case, you know?"

"Yeah…"

"Hey Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"When I gotta leave, you wanna come with? I mean, I'm a few months older than you, but whadaya say? I mean… you _do_ love me, right?"

Matt's shoulders slumped. "Geez. Way to be sensitive about it," he muttered darkly.

Mello sat up. "Hold up. You mean… you were serious about that?"

Matt turned to stare at him. "You thought I was _kidding?_"

Mello looked a little uncomfortable. "Well… I was kinda hoping you were," he admitted.

Matt sighed heavily and shook his head. "Well I wasn't." He stood. "And now that _that's_ been thrown in my face again, I think I wanna go to bed. So if you don't mind…"

Mello stood but didn't go to leave.

"What?" Matt demanded tiredly.

"I dunno…" Mello tilted his head as he looked at Matt. "I just… never seriously thought about it."

Matt frowned. "About what?"

"You and me," Mello said as though that should have been obvious.

Matt sighed heavily. He pulled his shirt off and let himself fall into bed. "Just drop it, ok?" Matt said miserably, his voice muffled by his pillow.

Mello shrugged. "If you insist. But I don't see why I should."

"Oh gee, I don't know. Maybe cause you're _straight?_" Matt shot back sarcastically.

Mello chose not to respond, which was probably wise.

"Hey Matt?"

"_What?"_

"Mind if I sleep in here with you tonight?"

Matt rolled over to look at Mello, an incredulously expression on his face. "The hell?" he snapped.

Mello shrugged. "I did it all the time when we were kids."

"Things were _different_ back then Mell!"

Mello shrugged. "Ok, ok. Geez. I was just asking."

Matt shook his head. "Well I can't say no. You know that. I just… don't know if I'm so comfortable with it."

Mello shrugged and got into bed beside Matt. "Deal with it. What I want has always come first. You know that."

Matt rolled his eyes and pulled a blanket over them both. "Yeah I know. Cause you're a selfish bastard."

"Yep," Mello replied instantly.

Matt sighed and put his glasses on the night stand and shut off the light. He had the feeling it was going to be a _long_ night.

xXx

Matt was surprised to find himself awake around 3 am. Not sure what had woken him, he looked around until he saw the light on his cell phone just fading. He grabbed it and flipped it open. A single message had been sent just then. He opened it, feeling confused.

"The hell…?" he muttered.

"What is it?" Mello murmured sleepily.

"A message from L," Matt said, "but… I don't know… it's weird. It was sent from his computer… I don't get it."

Mello propped himself up on his elbows. "What's it say?" he asked.

"All it says is… 'I'm sorry… Be careful.'"

Mello frowned. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"…No idea," Matt said back. L had never replied to the text he'd sent him on the night when he'd run away. Not that he had really expected him to. But what was with this weird message now…?

Mello lay back down and shook his head. "Worry about it later," he advised. "It's too early to try to decipher it now. L is just weird sometimes."

Matt closed his phone and set it back on his nightstand. "Yeah…" he said slowly. "I'll ask him about it later I guess." He lay back down and was surprised when Mello moved closer to him. Not that he was complaining.

"It's kinda cold today," Mello muttered sleepily. "Musta forgot to turn on the heat or something."

Matt shrugged. "It _is_ November after all."

"Yeah…" He moved so he was right up against Matt. "You're warm…" he said.

Matt felt himself blush but didn't say anything back. Did Mello have _any_ idea how hard he was making things?? He sincerely doubted it.

"Go back to sleep Mell," he said quietly. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah… see ya…"

It was quite some time before Matt was able to fall back asleep.

xXx

The next morning, Matt woke up feeling colder than usual. Mello was all but lying on top of him which should have made him warmer. But for some reason, something felt… wrong. He couldn't say what it was, but something just wasn't right.

"Mello," he whispered, shaking his companion awake. "Mello wake up…"

"Nn," Mello protested.

After a minute or so, Matt gave up. He slipped out from under Mello's arm and got up, trying not to disturb the other boy. He pulled on his glasses and stood.

Matt crossed to the window and opened it, letting the chill November air wake him up some. He leaned on the sill and looked out at the frosty ground.

"Something's wrong," he whispered. "I don't know what it is yet… but something's very, very wrong."

xXx

Matt was jumpy and extremely edgy all morning. He started at the slightest sound, snapped at anyone that tried to talk to him, but didn't know why. He felt tired even though he'd gotten plenty of sleep.

It wasn't until the middle of the afternoon that he finally realized what was going on.

He was sitting in the parlor, reading, trying to relax, when Roger appeared. This in and of itself was odd. Roger rarely came to the students – he usually summoned them to his office instead.

He watched from a distance as Roger, grim faced, collected first Near and then Mello, who'd been about to run outside with some of his friends.

And then it hit him.

Matt rose from his seat, his book falling from his hands, as he watched the three of them disappear.

Linda noticed his sudden movement. "Matt?" she called over. It drew attention to him, but Matt hardly noticed.

He started shaking his head over and over, trying to deny what he already knew.

"No…" he whispered. "No. No! It's… it's not possible…! It's… it's just not!" He felt tears coming to his eyes. "Why? Why now?... What the hell…?" He felt his knees give out and he started to cry. He fell forward onto his arms, his head resting almost on the floor. "WHAT THE HELL?!" He screamed as loudly as he could, but it really didn't help.

"Matt!" Linda ran over to him, ignoring the whispers of the other students. She grabbed his shoulders and made him sit up so he had to look at her. "What happened?" she asked, shaking him. "Matt!"

He met her eyes with a pained expression. "Linda," he whispered. "L… L is dead… Kira's won."

xXx

Wammy's house was almost entirely silent that day. No one seemed to know what to do, least of all Matt.

He sat in the corner alone and refused to speak to anyone. He smoked cigarette after cigarette, not caring how many times people told him to stop or put them out. He simply ignored them.

"This is all my fault," he said to himself. "I knew this was coming… why did I do this… Why did I make that damned decision in the first place…?" He would shake his head over and over, crying. For the life of him, he couldn't stop crying. But that wasn't entirely uncommon for any of the children that day.

He saw Mello pacing back and forth throughout the whole house. Everyone stayed out of his way while he thought. But Matt saw no sign whatsoever of Near.

Feeling like he needed the little boy's calm right then, Matt went looking for him. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, not feeling like being judged by Near at the moment, and tried to remain calm.

He looked for a while before he found the other boy.

Near was in the library, curled up on one of the balconies around the higher shelves. Matt saw him from the ground and climbed up to meet him.

"Hey Near. I…" His voice trailed off and his jaw dropped. "My God Near… are you… are you really… _crying?_"

Near looked up at him, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his face.

Matt jumped up the ladder the rest of the way and rushed to Near's side. "Holy hell Near… I didn't think…"

Near sniffed and wiped at his nose with his extra long sleeve. "Yeah well…" he said quietly. "I told you people can surprise you."

Without another thought, Matt scooped up the younger boy in his arms and held him while he cried.

It was easy to forget sometimes that Near was still just a child like the rest of them. His intellectual level and his blatant lack of emotions most of the time made him seem much older. But, in the end, Near was just as young as the rest of them, his emotions just as underdeveloped.

Near curled his fingers in Matt's shirt and sobbed. And Matt let him.

"I'm sorry Near," Matt whispered. "I'm sorry everything is being placed on you and Mello now. It's so much all of a sudden…"

Near shook his head. "Mello said… he won't work with me. He… he wants to go it alone. He's leaving Matt."

Matt didn't respond. He couldn't.

His heart, which was already felt like it had been broken in half at the news of L's death, had just been broken again.

xXx

A/N: Yes. Yes I did.


	26. Chapter 25

A/N: Short chapter. Probably the last one until I finish with finals. Only a week and a half or so until I finally get to go home!! Yay!! Two full years of schooling has been exhausting. I'm glad I finally get something of a summer vacation.

Interesting chapter, I think. Haha. Enjoy!

xXx

Matt lay in his room several hours later, smoking cigarette after cigarette, trying not to think. Near had long since gone back to his room to sleep off his misery so Matt was left all on his own.

The day wore on but Matt was hardly aware of it. He almost preferred it that way though.

Somewhere around midnight, Matt heard a knock at his door but he made no move to answer it. When nothing happened, whoever it was knocked again. When Matt still refused to answer, the door opened and Mello walked in.

Matt sat up, surprised to see him. He stuck his cigarette in the ash tray on his desk which was almost full at that point, though it had been empty that morning. Matt reached for his glasses when Mello walked closer, but Mello grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"Mello?" Matt asked, confused. "What's going o-"

Mello interrupted him before he could finish his sentence by pressing his lips against Matt's.

Matt's eyes widened in shock, but then he relaxed. He let his eyes close and kissed back for a moment before Mello pulled away again.

"I… I'm leaving, you know," Mello said, his eyes boring into Matt's.

Matt swallowed hard. "Yeah…" he said. "I know."

Mello sat down on the edge of the bed, his grip still firm on Matt's wrist. "I don't know where I'm gonna go," he added, "but I know that I have to go."

"So…" Matt swallowed and tried again. "So… why did you come to see me first?"

With his free hand, Mello gently pushed Matt's bangs away from his face. "I wanted to see you before I left," he said quietly.

"Well yeah but… w-why?"

Mello's face remained completely serious. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I…. I think… part of my wanted to see if I love you the same way you say you love me."

Matt swallowed hard. He had to look away from Mello's face before he could speak his thoughts. "I… I wish you wouldn't."

Mello frowned slightly, a line forming between his eyes. "Why?" he asked, dumbfounded. "I thought… this was what you wanted…"

Matt shook his head, staring at the ceiling to make sure his eyes stayed dry. "It is," he said honestly. "But if you're only coming here because you're leaving… not cause it's what you really want… then I'd rather you'd never come."

Mello stared at him for a moment and then abruptly stood. He turned around to face the door.

Matt lay back down and stared at the ceiling so he wouldn't have to watch Mello go. But a long time passed and he didn't hear the door open.

"Why are you still here?" he asked dully.

Another long time passed before either of them moved.

Just when Matt was starting to think that Mello would never leave, the blond rushed back over to him. He leaned down so he was staring Matt in the face, one hand on either side of Matt's head.

Matt started at the other's sudden closeness, but Mello didn't seem to care.

"One night, Matt," Mello said. "Give me one night to prove that I mean it."

Matt's eyes widened. "Wh… what are you saying, Mell?"

Mello swallowed. "I think you know exactly what I mean," he said.

Matt stare into his eyes for a long, long time. Then he finally nodded. "Okay…"

xXx

The next morning, Mello tried to leave before Matt woke up to try to make things easier on both of them, but Matt had been awake long before Mello had gotten up.

"Mell?" Matt asked quietly. He looked up at Mello from the bed while the other was pulling his shirt over his head.

Mello smiled down at him. "Sorry. I was trying not to wake you."

Matt shook his head and sat up, the sheets falling down his bare back. "Before you go… there's something I want you to have."

"You mean besides what you just gave me?" Mello asked teasingly.

Matt shook his head again. "Come on Mell. I'm being serious."

Mello's smiled faded and his face became serious again. He sat down in Matt's desk chair. "Okay. Being serious now. What's up?"

Matt took a deep breath, then opened up the drawer in his desk and pulled out a small metal box. He hugged it to his chest for a moment, then opened it and gently withdrew what was inside.

"This… belonged to my mother," Matt said softly. "It's the only thing I was able to… to recover from my parents' house…" He hesitated for just a moment, then held it out. "I… I want you to take it with you."

Mello stared at it. "I… I'm not Catholic," he said weakly.

"I know… but take it… Please?" Matt carefully wound the red rosary beads around his hand and just as carefully placed them in Mello's hand. His closed the other's fingers around it. "I want you to have it with you."

Mello looked from the rosary to the red haired boy. "Matt, I can't take this."

"Please take it Mell… I want you to have it…"

"Are you trying to say that I'll forget you otherwise?"

Matt blinked back the tears in his eyes. "I don't know," he whispered thickly. "You never know."

Mello stood and grabbed Matt in a sudden kiss. "Yes I do," he said when he pulled back. "I could never forget you, so don't _you_ forget _that_."

"I love you Mihael."

Mello seemed surprised to hear his real name, but he smiled. "Yeah…You too Mail."

xXx

Mello left soon after that. He went on foot and took almost nothing with him. But when he was leaving, Matt watching him go from his bedroom window, he could almost swear he saw a flash of red around the blonde's neck. Despite his misery, Matt somehow managed to smile.


	27. Chapter 26

A/N: So… two months since my last update. Sorry about that… I'm not in the country right now. Haven't been for a month and won't be for another month. It's exhausting. I know I know. Sounds like an excuse.

Well….I don't know. I'm attempting another chapter haha.

It's funny… I got a lot more activity once I stopped updating. Oh well :P

Ok. On to angst and awesomeness. Reviews are always appreciated! Thanks for reading and being patient with me!

Oh and I have a question. I started another Wammy's House fic a while ago (not published yet) about A and B (as in Beyond Birthday). If I published it here (once it's finished of course) would anyone be interested in reading it? If not I probably won't publish it, so if you're at all interested even in the slightest bit, please let me know.

Thanks!

- E. H.

xXx

The days dragged on for Matt. They slowly turned to weeks, then months, then years. And before he knew it, he was nearly 18 years old. It was October now, almost 5 full years since Mello had left.

Matt was hardly recognizable. He had let his hair grow out and it now spiked up in a thousand different directions. He hid every single bit of skin that he could, wearing gloves and boots at all times whenever he was around anyone at all. The other children suspected that his goggles had become a permanent fixture on his face.

Wammy's house had never had rules about smoking before because it had never been necessary but they were seriously considering implementing them because of Matt. He had become a full-fledged chain smoker over the past couple of years. He was almost never seen without a cigarette in hand or in an ash tray nearby.

Where before he was always kind to everyone, now he spoke to no one unless it was absolutely necessary.

Traditionally, children his age weren't supposed to live at Wammy's anymore and, for a good deal of the time, Matt didn't. But he came back on occasion to use the more advanced computer equipment L had left behind. He had become a rather excellent hacker over the past few years and apart from that and playing video games he did almost nothing else. He rarely even ate and did so only when it was absolutely necessary for his survival.

In essence, Matt was only a ghost of the beloved child he had once been. Even the staff steered clear of him most of the time, which was probably the biggest indicator of them all.

At the time, Matt was in his own apartment, locked inside, playing a video game. He was hardly even aware of what it was, exactly, but it hardly mattered. Whenever he felt empty or lonely, he played games. Winning them gave him a false sense of self worth. He knew it was a lie, but he lived for it anyway. Almost nothing else could even bring a phantom of his old smile to his face.

He was just fighting yet another level boss when he heard his phone ring. At first it didn't register in his mind because his ringtone was, naturally, the theme for a video game. The same video game he was playing at the moment. When he finally noticed it ringing, he hesitated for a moment before picking it up. Whatever this was for, it was most likely just a waste of time.

"Yeah," he said, sounding bored, his eyes not leaving the television screen.

"It's Linda."

Matt rolled his eyes behind his goggles. Ever since Mello had left, she had deemed him worthy of forgiveness. While they were still friends, her frequent phone calls were getting on his nerves.

"Look, whatever Near wants me to do now, tell him I'm-"

"You're not busy," she said, cutting him off, "you're playing Final Fantasy seven." She sounded annoyed but the tone faded when she went on. "But it's not about Near right now Matty. Listen. Some strange men came to Wammy's House today."

Matt frowned and hit pause on his game. Now she had his attention. "What did they want?"

"They asked about Near and… and Mello."

Matt's frown deepened. "Why? What did you tell them?"

"Just that they don't live here anymore. They said they were part of the Task Force trying to find Kira."

Matt growled at the name.

"Look, I didn't know what else to do. They were asking for their real names and their photographs and… I don't know. It was all so strange."

Matt leaned back so he was leaning against his bed and stretched his legs out farther on the floor. He grabbed a cigarette from the ashtray beside him and took a drag before responding. "What did you tell them?"

"The truth. I don't know their names and there are no photographs."

"Good," Matt said approvingly.

"Um…"

"There's more?"

"I… I drew pictures for them…"

"Of Near and Mell?"

"…Yeah," she said hesitantly. "I figured it wouldn't hurt…"

"Ok. Thanks for telling me." His voice was as calm as it ever was, but in his head he was positively _fuming_. He wanted to yell at her for her stupidity. How could she possibly think leaking _that_ kind of information would help _anyone_ but _Kira?!_ Wasn't she supposed to be a _genius??_

Matt hung up with her and immediately dialed another person, holding down the number 2 until he heard it ringing. He waited until someone picked up.

"Code in."

"It's Matt," he said, slightly impatiently. "Put me through."

The other person sighed. "Alright."

He waited until a second person picked up the line.

"Yes? What is it Matt?" Near's voice was almost as monotonous as Matt's so often was.

"Linda drew pictures of yours and Mello's faces and gave them to the 'Task Force' hunting Kira. The one that claims it's with L. Be careful." He hung up without waiting for a reply and, without so much as missing a beat, started to play his video game again, cigarette in his mouth.

After that he would have been content to say nothing else for a week. In his opinion, that had been entirely too much talking.

xXx

Matt had been closely following the Kira case since its commencement, but had been memorizing every detail since L's death. He knew everything he could about everyone involved, including perhaps Kira himself, though he didn't know for certain who that might be. He had some guesses though.

He watched in silence as the two groups – the NPA and the SPK – tried to best one another in the struggle for authority in this case. He had watched the death tolls rising and knew it was only happening because L was dead.

When Director Takimura and then Sayu Yagami had both been kidnapped, and in similar fashion, he knew Mello was behind it. He also knew that the mafia was also involved and that pained him greatly.

Mello was willing to ask the help of perfectly dishonest and disloyal men he didn't even know, but refused to call Matt? The one person in the _world_ who would stand by him no matter _what?_ It caused Matt more pain then he cared to admit. He refused to admit, even to himself, that he had cried when he learned of it.

Matt shook his head, pushing aside all thoughts of his… of Mello. The days of their childhood were long gone, and he deeply wished the memories would go with him. But his memories of Mello were stronger than any of the others and, try as he might, he couldn't keep from reliving them and the worst moments of his life every night in his dreams. To be honest, he preferred his family's deaths over Mello's departure.

Matt chose instead to think of the other bit of knowledge that had piqued his interest when hacking his way through Near's computers at the SPK headquarters.

Kira's weapon of choice was something called a… Death Note. This intrigued Matt more than it shocked him.

He had always figured that there was a greater force than himself controlling life and death (more the latter than the former) but he had never known what. Finding out it was Shinigami was no big surprise, but he _was_ surprised to learn that one had come to earth and was sticking around so readily.

Matt absent-mindedly pressed keys on his controller and, without really caring, beat Sephiroth yet again. He sighed and set down the controller, not caring to watch the scene that followed.

He smiled slightly to himself. "Heh… maybe the Shinigami was bored… If I were a Shinigami, I'd do this for fun… must beat sitting around on your ass all day… That's for sure."

He paused the game again and looked out the room's only window at the smoggy sunset that was only just visible behind the skyscrapers that surrounded him on every side. He _hated_ Los Angeles with a passion, but he refused to leave until Mello did. He didn't care if Mello didn't even know he was there – which he was sure he didn't. He was going to stay as close to Mello as possible as long as he could. He'd made a promise, after all, and he had every intention of keeping it.

He set down his cigarette again and stood so he could stretch out his stiff muscles. He glanced at the framed photo of himself, Near, Linda, and Mello sitting together on the grounds of Wammy's House. It had been taken so many years ago… but Matt couldn't help but hold onto it. It was one of the last photographs that was allowed to be taken inside the grounds. He'd never had the heart to throw it away and now he was glad. In all likelihood, the four of them would never be together again. Not like that anyway, assuming they ever met again. Too much had changed since then.

Matt gently ran his hand over the glass, the very tips of his fingers brushing over the faces he knew so well. He picked it up off the shelf and stared at it absently as he lost himself in thought.

"If I have a… a set time that I'm going to die…" He shook his head and set the picture back down. "Then it doesn't matter what I do… I can be in all the danger I want to be. If I'm meant to die, I'll die." He chuckled softly to himself. "Might as well have some fun in the process."

He shook his head and sat back down, the popped the next Final Fantasy game into the system. This was his fifth time playing straight through the whole series.

"You better wise up and call me soon Mell," he said to the empty room. "I'm starting to get… bored."


	28. Chapter 27

A/N: Yay progress! Haha. I'm done with school now until August 31st, so hopefully we'll be nearly done with this monstrosity by then. XD

OK, on we go!

I came up with this on a whim a few days ago, so I hope you enjoy it. :]

Thanks for reading. Please review!!! :3

- E. H.

P.S. I'm feeling pretty shitty today and it's almost 1 am here so if it reflects in this chapter I apologize. Well, unless it helps, which it very well may. Oh the angst~

xXx

Matt was lying in bed, the sheets pulled up over his head so that only his hair showed. His goggles were beside his cell phone on the beside table. The only time he ever removed his goggles was when he slept. It was the only time he allowed his skin to be shown at all, apart from what little had to be seen of his face. He usually wore very little because he sweat so much when he had his nightmares.

Tonight, his dreams were abnormally peaceful. He was actually getting a decent amount of rest when something interrupted it.

Matt groaned when he was pulled back into consciousness and reached blindly for the source of his agitation. He grabbed his phone, flipped it open, and forced himself to answer.

"This better be fuckin' important Linda."

"Sorry Matt. It's not."

He groaned again. "Fucker. What the fuck are you calling me for? It's…" he checked the clock, "four in the fucking morning."

"Quit swearing at me. I can't sleep. I'm outside, let me in."

"If I refuse?"

"I have booze."

Matt hesitated. "…How much booze?"

"A lot."

"…Okay." Matt hung up the phone and forced himself to sit up. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and took several deep breaths. It had been a while since he'd actually seen her face to face and he had kept their phone conversations as short as possible lately.

He finally stood, pulled on an old pair of jeans and shoved his glasses onto his nose before going to open the door.

Linda looked tired. Her clothes were dirty and baggy and she had shadows under her eyes.

"Bad day?" Matt asked lightly, standing aside to admit her.

"You too?" she asked, looking him up and down. There were bruises on his chest, arms, and back and he had a cut on his left cheek. Even his hair was messier than usual.

He shrugged. "Bastards had it coming."

"What did they do?"

Matt shrugged. "Pissed me off. I don't remember how."

Linda shook her head. "You're so different Matt."

He shrugged again. "The world's different too," was all he could think to say.

They sat down on the floor of his tiny living room and Linda unloaded her bag of all the alcohol she'd been able to carry.

Matt grabbed a bottle of tequila, opened it, and took a swig. He sighed. "Damn," he muttered. "The world sucks lately."

Linda followed suit with her own bottle of gin. "Yep," she agreed. "It's… been a while, you know? Since we really got to talk to each other."

"Yeah…" Matt said sadly. "I know… I'm sorry."

After a few moments of silence, Linda smiled. "Hey Matt… wanna play a game?"

xXx

After Linda briefly explained the rules, it was pretty simple for them to get started.

"Let's start off with an easy one," she said, smiling. "I never had red hair."

Matt rolled his eyes and took a swig of his drink.

"Okay. I was never a girl. Cause that was cheap."

Linda chuckled and took a swig. "I've never been to….. France."

She didn't expect it to work, but Matt took a drink. "Moved there once with a foster family," he explained. He was silent as he thought. "Hm… I never…. wore a dress."

Linda took a drink. "I've never played Final Fantasy."

Matt laughed and took a drink. "Touché." His smile faded a little as he watched her face. He was starting to realize how distance they had become. It was hard to remember a time when they had been best friends. He wanted to change that. But it wasn't gonna be easy. That kind of thing was more give than take. So he had to be ready to give a lot for this. "Ok… More serious. I've never watched someone die."

Linda took a drink. "I've never seen a house in flames."

Matt took a drink. "I've never heard my sister speak."

Linda didn't drink. "My sister was older than me," she said. "Not younger."

Matt smiled sadly. "Sorry. Guess I forgot. Your turn."

"I've never kissed a girl."

Matt smiled and took a drink. "Only one, just for the record."

Linda smiled too, but instead of responding only said, "Your turn."

"I've never been afraid of the dark."

Linda drank. After she lowered the bottle, she thought for a moment. Matt watched her face and wondered what she was thinking. "I've never smoked…" she said quietly.

He knew that wasn't what she wanted to ask, but drank anyway. "Cheap," he muttered but smiled, trying to lighten her mood a little, but he knew it wouldn't work. There had been a reason she'd wanted to come here and a reason she wanted to play this game. Something was bothering her. There was something she wanted to know about him… but what was it? And Why was she afraid to ask?

"I've never used this game as a way to get the truth out of someone," Matt said finally, not wanting to put it off any longer.

Linda looked him in the eyes, startled, then took a drink.

_So what is it Linda?_ he asked silently. _What do you wanna know?_

"I've never…" she swallowed. "I've never had sex."

Matt could hardly believe it. _That_ was what she wanted to know? He sighed and closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at her when he took a drink.

"How did you know?" he asked, staring at the carpet.

"I didn't," she said quietly. "But I guessed… You were just so loyal to him… there was only one explanation… I figured you had to be in love with him."

"I'm…" he hung his head. "I'm sorry it hurt you." He shook his head back and forth and took another long drink from his now nearly empty bottle. "But it hardly matters now. I'll probably never see him again anyway."

Linda's smile seemed out of place… almost ironic. "Well, a toast then," she said, lifting her bottle as well. "To the Wammy Kids."

"Wammy kids," Matt said solemnly. They chinked their glasses together and finished them off. "God bless the geniuses of the world!"

Linda broke out two more bottles. "If there's even a God at all."

Matt raised his bottle to her. "Well then. Here's to Shinigami. Cause they're as shot to hell as the rest of us."

"Cheers."

xXx

The next morning, Matt woke up on the floor surrounded by empty bottles, cans, and wrappers from the snacks they'd eaten to try to stave off the alcohol. When the light hit his eyes, Matt groaned and rolled over so his face was pressed to the floor. His head was _pounding_.

"Fucking… hangover…" he muttered darkly. "Fucking…fucker…." He couldn't think of anything else to say. He got up and pulled the shades more securely shut, then headed to the kitchen to try to find some food.

Linda was there already with her head on the counter, her cup of coffee sitting untouched beside her head.

Matt grabbed it and took a swig. "Morning," he said quietly.

Linda groaned in response. "Hangover…." she muttered.

"Me too. Go back to bed?"

"Please."

The two of them slumped back into Matt's bed and tried their best to go to sleep. The best way, Matt discovered, to avoid a hangover was to sleep through it.

He felt Linda's body pressed against his and knew it was necessary in the tight space, but he couldn't help but feel sad.

The last time he'd let someone else sleep in bed with him had been years ago. In fact, it had been his last night with Mello. And that had been a very different experience, sleeping with the man he loved in his arms rather than his very hung over formerly former and now re-instated best friend. It was a very different feeling and Matt just didn't want to think about it.

Instead, he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.


	29. Chapter 28

Matt didn't wake up until that evening, and even then it wasn't of his own accord. He groaned, rolled over and grabbed his phone off the bedside table. The high pitched ringing was only a nuisance now that his hangover was gone, but it didn't make him want to answer it any more. Well, that is until he saw who was calling.

Matt sat up so fast he almost fell out of bed. Though Linda had already gone, he was still sleeping on the very edge of the bed. Once he steadied himself, he stared at the phone, hardly daring to believe it. Then, realizing that the person on the other end might hang up, he flipped open his phone and, hand shaking, raised it to one ear.

"…Hello?" he said uncertainly.

"…Matt?" The voice on the other end was weak. It sounded pained, but there was no mistaking it. Matt _knew_ that voice. He would know it anywhere.

"M… Mell?" he choked.

"I… I need you. There's been… an incident…"

Matt blinked his sudden tears away and forced himself to stand. He starting fumbling around for his shoes and pulled them on in the dark. "Where are you?"

"In um… in Los Angeles… I know you're not-"

"Shut the fuck up. Of _course_ I'm in L.A.! I meant _where_?"

Mello chuckled. "Never thought… you'd talk to me… like that…"

Mello's voice was getting softer. It sounded like he was in a lot of trouble. Matt could faintly hear shouting in the background.

"Where are you Mell?" he demanded, grabbing a shirt from the floor and forcing it over his head. He maneuvered himself so the phone was only away from his ear for half a second. He grabbed his keys from the table and waited. As soon as Mello had told him, Matt couldn't help but smile. "Ok. I'll be there real soon. I promise."

xXx

Matt didn't even look at the speedometer as he raced his car down the highway. Once he got close, the location wasn't even hard to spot. Flame were everywhere and the smoke had created a pillar at least a mile high. It had been an explosion alright. Matt shook his head. Some things Mello was really gonna have to learn to change one of these days.

He threw his cigarette butt out of the window as he pulled in to a back alley near the warehouse. Mello had told him exactly where to go and he hadn't forgotten a word.

He slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, not even bothering to lock the doors. He ran down the service ramp and turned the corner, then stopped dead in his tracks. There were at least twenty different alleys here and any one of them could be hiding Mello.

Matt walked slowly toward them, not really ready to see whatever it was he was about to find.

His phone started ringing, making him jump slightly, but he picked it up before the second ring.

"…I heard you…"

"Where are you?" Matt asked. Instead of getting a response, he got a dial tone. Starting to panic, he yelled, "_Where are you?!"_

He got no response right away, then something went flying through the air. Matt didn't even watch the shoe hit the ground before he was at the mouth of the alley it had come from. He turned to face Mello, but found himself completely unprepared for what he saw.

Burns. Covering at least 10% of Mello's body. His clothes were torn, one of his shoes now missing, his hair was singed and his eyes were closed. One hand was clenched around the now dead cell phone and the other was…

Matt looked away and blinked very rapidly to clear his eyes of tears. Then, forcing a smile on his face, walked forward.

"I thought you said you weren't Catholic," he commented lightly, nodded at the red rosary beads in Mello's injured left hand.

Mello looked up and Matt saw more clearly the burns that covered half of his beloved's face. His smile didn't waver at all.

"I thought… you said… you'd get here quickly…" Mello retorted, attempting a smile as well. He coughed hard, trying to get the smoke out of his lungs.

Matt's smile left his face. "Come on then," he said, crouching down beside Mello. "It's time for me to fix another of your damn mistakes."

Mello chuckled weakly, but it ended in a cough.

Carefully, very carefully, Matt gathered the injured boy into his arms. He did his best not to tough the burns on Mello's left side, but it was a difficult thing to do. He knew Mello was in a lot of pain already and hated to cause him more, but he couldn't treat him here. It was too dangerous. The building could actually explode at any time if there was even the tiniest gas leak somewhere or, worse, the cops could find them.

"I'll take you to a hospital, Mell, and-" But he stopped speaking the moment Mello started to shake his head.

"No… idiot… cops are… lookin' for me… no hospital… got it?" His voice was barely louder than a whisper, making it almost impossible to hear over the roar of the nearby flames, but Matt had heard every word. He had strained his ears to hear like his life had depended on it.

He took Mello to the car and gently laid him in the back seat. "This one's gonna be tough, but since this was your choice you're gonna have to trust me, ok?"

Mello just laughed again and Matt climbed into the front seat.

While driving back, after Mello had passed out from the pain, it took all the strength Matt had in him not to burst into tears.

xXx

A/N: Sorry! That's all you're getting today. I want to finish, but my eyes are protesting. I think I'm getting sick, which explains why I'm so exhausted all the time. I'll try to update soon, I promise.

Thanks for reading. Please review! Mello finally came back, after all!

Arigato!

-E.H.


	30. Chapter 29

A/N: Sorry. This will be a long A/N.

It's been four months since my last update D: I'm really _really_ sorry. I had almost forgotten about this story until people kept adding it to their favorites and alerts and stuff. It surprised me. So I read through it all again today and read everyone's reviews again – all 112 of them. Thanks so much you guys for writing them. Without them, I would probably never have touched this again.

Since I think you deserve it, I'm gonna (briefly) explain my absence for so long.

I was in France studying for 2 months, which I explained briefly. Then I went to Portugal to get my brother, whom I hadn't seen in 2 years. We came back to the states and went to school. I had to pull up my GPA to keep getting funding for school, got engaged, got sick and had to drop out and return home for the remainder of the semester, broke up with my fiancé (long story), got in touch with my Mello again (along with other friends) and am now trying to avoid fights with my mother on a daily basis while trying to stay sane while feeling trapped in my own house. Oh, and I'm being tested for depression and bi-polar…stuff. And I can't sleep. Again. Part of the depression, my dad figures.

Sounds like fun, right? Totally is. I don't recommend it. Seriously.

It seems I always return to this site when I'm depressed or…whatever it is I am right now. Unfocused is probably a better word for it. I'm writing a (new) book. Started it for NaNoWriMo, but we'll see if it gets done. I hope so. It's non-fiction for once, though it doesn't seem like it some days. Hopefully I'll get this fic done this semester.

Keep your fingers crossed, but don't hold your breath. I like you guys too much.

Here we go again!

-E.H.

xXx

"What can you do for him Doc?"

The doctor sighed and looked up at Matt. His eyes were weary and kept darting to the gun that was just visible beneath Matt's vest. "I can give him something for the pain and some ointment for the burns. It'll help, but at this point nothing can prevent the scarring. I'm afraid the burns are just too bad."

Matt turned away and ran his hands through his hair. "How long until it heals? Well…as much as it ever will, I mean."

"Three weeks at least. Probably more. Some people heal faster than others so it's difficult to say."

"How soon can you get him the meds?"

"I have most of them with me. The others are on their way."

Matt turned to face Mello again. The other boy's breathing was ragged and irregular. The IV in his arm was dripping fluids and sedatives into Mello's system and his heart rate monitor pulsed at a fairly even rate. That, at least, was comforting.

"Can you give us a minute, Doc?"

"But-"

"Leave, or I don't pay you. _And_ I'll alert the authorities of your drug trafficking habits to minors."

The doctor didn't need telling twice.

Matt pulled a stool up to Mello's bedside. Matt tentatively took Mello's uninjured hand in his. "Mell… can you hear me?"

Mello opened his eyes for a moment and glanced at Matt, then closed them again.

"It's okay. Don't push yourself or anything," Matt said quickly. "I just…wanted to know if you could hear me."

Mello nodded a fraction of an inch.

"You're gonna be fine, Mell. You heard him, right? You'll be on your feet again in no time, blowing up even more lowlife mobsters."

Mello chuckled weakly.

Matt tried not to look, but felt his eyes drawn to the raw, nasty burns on the left half of Mello's face. They ran down his chest and bicep and even onto his back, though those weren't as bad thankfully.

"That bad…huh?" Mello asked, his voice barely audible.

Matt smiled despite the tears in his eyes. "You're still as beautiful as you always were," he said quietly, his eyes still trained on the wounds.

Mello laughed again but it was almost forced. "…m'sorry."

Matt frowned slightly. "What for?"

"…Your family…I know you're…thinking about…them…" It was hard for Mello to talk but it seemed he was determined to get this out. "You're not…looking…at me…are you?"

Matt hesitated, then slowly shook his head.

"I sh…shouldn't'a called you…"

Matt's grip on Mello tightened and his gaze snapped back to the whole side of Mello's face. "No!" he said sharply. "Don't think that Mell. I wish you had called me sooner. _Before_ you got yourself so deep in this shit. It's just…" he sighed and shook his head. "You're right. As always. It's hard. But I'll get through it. It was a long time ago now and it's not important."

"How can…?" he started, but Matt cut him off.

"Mello, believe me when I say that you're all that matters to me now."

Mello stared at him for a long time, his open eye wide, then he finally nodded.

Matt's face was stony, his eyes unfocused. He was clearly thinking about something more than what he was seeing. "I'll never leave you again."

Mello didn't even try to fight him on it.

xXx

After their visit with the doctor, Matt took Mello back to his apartment. He laid the injured boy gently in his bed. Bandages now covered all of Mello's burns. Having them out of sight was something of a relief for Matt. He gave Mello some of the many drugs the doctor had given then, waiting until they knocked him out, then went out into the front room.

Matt paced back and forth while his phone rang and he waited for the other person to pick up.

He didn't even wait for a hello. "Linda! Listen, I need-"

"Hello Matt."

Matt stopped. "Oh…hey Near…Why do you have Linda's phone?"

"She is otherwise occupied at the moment."

Knowing that was as much of an explanation as he was going to get, Matt didn't push it. "Can I talk to her?"

There was a few moment's pause. "I will give her the message," Near said, almost hesitantly.

Matt sighed but knew he had no choice. "…All right. Mello is here. With me. And it's not looking too good. I assume you knew what happened?"

"Of course."

"He's pretty messed up…I'm worried."

"Has he been seen to by medical personnel?"

"Of course!" Matt said indignantly.

"What is being done presently?"

"He's sleeping. Doc gave us some drugs. One of 'um knocked him out."

"I know you would prefer to keep the details short on this, but what exactly happened to him?"

Matt sat down in the kitchen chair nearest him and hunched over, feeling too drained to sit up anymore. Near's monotonous voice did nothing to ease his concern. Did _nothing_ upset this kid?? "About 16% of Mello's body is covered in third degree burns. You should know better than anyne what kind of scarring that will leave. He will be pretty much unable to do anything for the next month."

This explanation was met with silence.

"…Near?" he asked tentatively.

"Thank you for explaining. I will pass your message." Near spoke more quickly than normal (though not by much) and then, before Matt could even think of a response, he heard a click and Near was gone.

Matt pulled his phone away from his ear, staring at it in utter disbelief. "Huh… I guess you love more than just L after all…"

xXx

After cleaning the house as much as he could, trying to make it safer for Mello to be in, Matt was exhausted. He was emotionally and physically drained, but he didn't want to let himself sleep for once.

He went back into the room where Mello was sleeping and pulled a chair up by Mello's bedside. With one hand, he gently held on to Mello's wrist, his thumb carefully rubbing the back of Mello's hand. His other hand held his mother's rosary beads. His eyes never left Mello's face.

He didn't even remember falling asleep.

xXx

The next thing Matt knew, he was slumped over, his head on Mello's bed, being shaken awake.

Matt sat up and rubbed his eyes. He smiled when he saw Mello looking at him. "Hey," he said. "How are you feeling?"

Mello smirked, though he was only able to use half of his mouth. "Shitty, thanks. How did you _sleep_ like that?"

Matt sat up and stretched, working out the kinks in his back. "I dunno," he said honestly. "One minute I was just sitting here and the next you were waking me up."

"Huh…Alright then." Mello smiled but it faded very quickly. "Matt, listen, I…"

Matt shook his head. "You don't need to explain. I understand you had stuff to do…I just… I wish you had told me, is all. You know I would have done _anything_ for you."

Mello sighed. He had so many ways to make this subject lighter – stalker jokes not the least of them – but knew now wasn't the time.

He turned his head as far as he could and looked the other boy up and down. "You're real thin, Matty…"

Matt shrugged. "It happens," he muttered, looking away.

Mello squeezed Matt's hand. "I'm sorry I did this to you."

Matt shook his head. "This is the life _I_ chose. You don't get to be sorry for that. You had no say in the matter."

Mello didn't respond, so Matt took that as a silent acceptance.

After studying the other's face for a long time, Mello finally said, "Listen Matt…about that night…before I left… I-"

"If you're going to tell me it was a mistake-"

"No. Nothing like that," Mello reassured him. "I just… I wanted to tell you I meant it."

Matt's look was one of confusion. "I had never doubted that," he said quietly.

Mello nodded his understanding. "I'm…I'm glad…"

Matt studied the other's face for a while, then sighed and smiled, breaking the tension. "You're so reckless Mell. What ever am I gonna do with you?"

Mello chuckled. "Apparently drug me and keep me prisoner."

Matt snorted. "Yeah. Cause you could definitely be on your own now if you wanted."

Mello made a face. "Sure I could!"

Matt raised his eyebrows at him.

"Ok ok. So I couldn't. But that isn't the point!"

Matt smiled and shook his head. Then he picked up a syringe from the bedside table and held it up for Mello to see. "Well, Mr. Big and Tough, it's time for some more meds."

Mello rolled his eyes and held out his arm. Matt injected him and set the syringe back down.

"I know this place isn't much," he said. "Probably nothing like what you're used to."

Mello shrugged one shoulder. "It's fine enough."

"I was thinking, once you're well enough, we'd move you. They're looking for us so staying here probably isn't the best idea. Not that you can go outside to be seen and Near certainly won't tell anyone, but-"

"Near?" Mello repeated.

"What about him?"

"You told _Near_ what happened to me?" Mello sounded angry.

"Well…yeah…? He knew about the explosion. I called Linda and Near picked up. Said he'd tell her what I wanted to say. I wanted some advice but Near didn't have any. He seemed…well…upset, actually."

Mello guffawed. "Oh come on Matt. You and I both know Near doesn't care about people."

Matt stared at him incredulously. "You really don't know, do you?"

"Know _what_?" Mello snapped back.

Matt shook his head and stood. "You just don't get it at all." He crossed to the door but stopped before walking out. "Near cried the day L died, Mell. And he hung up on me when I told him what happened to you. You tell me one more time that Near doesn't care, and I swear to God I'll punch you in the face." He left then, shaking his head in disbelief.

Mello had no idea what to think.


End file.
